Month: January 2012

by

Love, Lust, and Green M&Ms


I am going to start with the last thing first, green M&Ms.  There was a time that I heard that green M&Ms were an aphrodisiac.  I cannot say I ever truly believed that, but I have never turned down a green M&M either, or any other color for that matter.

But what do they have to do with anything?  Everyone seems to have some sort of belief system which goes something like, “If I wear this, then I will get the guy.”  Or, if I act like this, then I will get the girl.  What I say is, eat some green M&Ms first, they are equally as effective as anything could can wear or act like.  The thing is, you do not want to be with someone who is mostly attracted by what you wear, or how you behave.  The latter is the better of the two, of course, but I point out the word “act.”

All right, so what is this all about?   I have a pretty broad spectrum of friends these days and some are in their 30s, and single.  It is not unusual for me to hear one of them bemoan the fact that they are still single.   They get fixated on what they should or should not be doing or what they look like.  It cannot be about either of those things!

Here is the deal.  Your life partner necessarily has to be your best friend.  I frequently hear people saying they never date their friends.  Are you kidding me?  There is no one better to date!  You should always start dating someone with the sole idea of becoming a friend to them.  Anything else makes you either a player or desperate.  And this is where the lust factor comes in too.  I hear a lot of men and women say they have to date someone who is hot.  That is lust!  If you do it right, the person you settle down with will always be hot.  They better seem that way to you or you need to ask yourself why you are with that person.

And that is the crux of things.  I once dated a woman who broke off the relationship because I did not have enough money.  She actually cried doing it, admitted that she was being shallow and selfish, but said she could not seem to help herself.  She said she really wanted to be with me but could not get past the money aspect.  I respected that honesty.  She was rather wealthy, just to be clear.

I was talking with this guy about a year ago or so about a woman we both knew.  She is quite sweet and pretty.  He made it known he would really like to go out with her and said it in a way that I knew he had an agenda.  He wanted my thoughts on how he should approach her.  I told him to be her friend first and foremost.  He did not understand so I told him that women are pretty good about sniffing out ulterior motives, if not right away then not long afterward.  I told him just to ask her out for coffee and small talk.  Small talk will morph into much longer talks if there is chemistry.  It is one of the most natural things that happens to people.  I think that is good advice for both men and women.  First dates should be necessarily time constrained and totally platonic.  Get to know the person first.  After you get past the “hot” you might now like what you see afterwards.

I think people should love lots of other people, of both genders.  But, you can commit to being in love with only one person.  That keeps things simple and honest.  I have any number of friends who I truly love but I am in love with only my wife.  As Robert Frost said, “Good fences make good neighbors.”

 

by

Poland, the Best Kept Secret Destination


About three years ago I was looking for somewhere to go on vacation with my wife.  I really wanted to go back to Italy but upon looking at what it would cost for 2 weeks, I felt it rather expensive.  We have both been to Hawaii on numerous occasions, so that was not something to consider.  Then I thought about Poland.  My wife’s family, several generations ago, emigrated to the United States from Poland.  I thought it might be an interesting destination so I researched it a little.  I found that we could spend 2 weeks in Poland for about half what Italy would have cost.  My wife was, of course, excited about going.

We flew out of Logan Airport on a Friday evening and connected through Frankfurt to Warsaw.  My first impression upon arriving at the airport was that Poland would be a stark former Iron Curtain remnant of the old communist regime.  The airport seemed to say that was still true.  It was a sunny Saturday afternoon and we go a cab to where we were staying.  I had found a place that looked pretty good and was centrally located.  It is called St. Andrews Residency.

This was the start of my transformation of thought.  We were greeted by an extremely pleasant young woman who welcomed us to St. Andrews Residency and to Poland.  She took us to the top floor and showed us where we would stay.  The best way to describe our accommodations is to say it is quite similar to a one-bedroom apartment.  It had the bedroom, a separate living room, a small kitchen, and a huge bathroom.  St. Andrews itself was small and I would guess it accommodated maybe 25 people.

The entrance to St. Andrews was off a small courtyard.  Diagonally across the courtyard was a terrific little coffee shop that also served a nice continental breakfast.  It was truly European at its best.

On Sunday were started our discovery of Warsaw by heading out walking towards Old Town which was about 2 miles distant.  The walk from St. Andrews to Novy Swiat, the street leading to Old Town, was a walk through what could have been any European city.

Novy Swiat is a busy two lane road lined with coffee shops, restaurants none of which were chains, several large churches, the University of Warsaw, the Polish Capitol buildings and finally Old Town.  This street was very clean and well kept.

The area around the Royal Castle had been completely destroyed during World War II.  It has been rebuilt.  Pictures of the castle and the buildings nearby allowed reconstruction of the area so that it looks almost identically as it did prior to 1940.  The beauty of that area is unparalleled.

On Tuesday we rented a car and headed out for Krakow.  Poland does not have a single super highway like we have here in the U.S. or that you find in Western Europe.  Still, there was a single two lane highway from just outside Warsaw to Krakow.  It took us most of the day to get there.

I had found a nice hotel in the Kazimierz section of the city.  This is the old Jewish section of the city and it is also where significant portion of the movie Schindler’s List was filmed.  Unlike Warsaw, Krakow went untouched by World War II and has fully retained its old world elegance.  Upon the highest point in the city sits the castle Wawel.  This is a 16th century castle where many Polish kings resided.  Like Boston, you can see everything on foot using a guidebook.  Not far from the castle is the Old Town district and Jagiellonian University.  One of the most famous graduates of Jagiellonian was Copernicus.

Even though our visit to Krakow was still early in our trip, we had already visited many Polish churches.  Any one of those churches would be called a cathedral in the U.S.  They all seemed to be very large and lavishly decorated in their interiors.  Each church had works of art lining the walls and gilded gold everywhere.  But in the Old Town Square there is the Church of St. Mary.  Mary is the Patron Saint of Poland and this is epitomized at this church.  It is one of the larger churches in Poland.  It is a 15th century gothic edifice whose beauty is unparalleled.

On Thursday we left Krakow to return to Warsaw.  We left early, however, so we could visit the city of Chestahova.  This is a small city situated about 50 miles west of Krakow.  Its significance is that the church there hold a painting that is named “The Black Madonna.”  The Madonna’s face in this picture has darkened significantly since it was painted, and there a numerous purported miracles that have happened in its presence.  This has made visiting this church a pilgrimage for many Poles.

Back in Warsaw we continued our tours of the city seeing places such as the old Warsaw Ghetto where the Jews were held prior to their being moved to Auschwitz, about 30 miles west of Krakow.  We also visited the Park Lazienkowski in the heart of the city.  Once in this gorgeous park, the sounds of the city quickly disappear.  One of the first things you see in the park is a statue commemorating Fredric Chopin who was born in Poland.  The park is also the location of the Palace on the Water.

On our final day before we departed we visited the Wilanow Palace and Park.  The palace is also known as Villa Nova.  It is a 17th century palace where the infamous “Warsaw Pact” was signed.  But more than that, the palace itself is of particular beauty and is surrounded by many gorgeous gardens and grassy walkways.

The only bad meal we had during our entire stay in Poland was when we went to a restaurant that was trying to be American.  It’s about what you’d expect in an American fast food restaurant.  The Polish food was delicious and the service in every restaurant was always great.

We found the Polish people to be exceptionally polite and friendly.  We did not have a single negative encounter.  That is unless you count the woman in the National Museum in Warsaw who got angry with me because I was using a flash on my camera!  There were no signs saying no flash pictures but I really should have known better.

Two weeks in Poland was not nearly enough time for us to see everything we wanted to see.  I cannot recommend a trip to Poland enough.  The entire two-week trip cost us about $5000 which included everything.

It would have been easy for me to have written at least 4 times as much as I have.  I recommend that anyone interested simply look up some of the places I have mentioned on the Internet and you will see what a great country this is to visit.   I would go back to Poland in a heartbeat and it is number one of my list of places to go even now.

by

Honesty, Integrity and Hurt Feelilngs


During my life I have generally been honest and had pretty good integrity.  But that was not a good thing.  To the contrary, it was not good at all.  What did “generally” mean?  Something over 50% but well under 100%.  That meant there were serious questions surrounding my honesty and integrity at any given moment.

About 12 or so years ago I decided I really needed to change that.  First and foremost, it was not good enough to pick and chose those honest moments, cherry pick them.  It has taken a lot of practice and I cannot say I enjoy 100% success, but I can say that I probably am around 99% successful.  And for those times I find myself wanting, I make a concerted effort to fix my shortcomings.

One of the most common excuses I have heard, and have used myself, is that complete honesty, in certain circumstances will hurt someone’s feelings.  Realizing this might happen there were several things I might do.  I might say nothing at all to the person.  I might tell only part of the truth.  Or I might tell that “little white lie.”  What is a “white lie?”  I really have no idea.  It is still a lie.  That is no longer acceptable in any situation.  Almost as bad is holding back the entire truth.  That too it tantamount to lying.  It is a lie of omission.  All this to save a person’s feelings?  I do not remember being told that I am responsible for anyone’s feelings!

This does not mean I should act callously.  It also does not mean I should hit the person over the head with the truth.  My part in all of it is to relate the truth, unedited, and candidly.  I have to take the chance that the person’s feelings may be hurt and I may well incur their wrath.  That is not my responsibility.  At the end of the day I am accountable for each and every one of my actions.  Tactful honesty is always better than any alternative.  I have found that people always get over hurt feelings and generally have more respect for me once the dust settles.  If they decide they want nothing more to do with me, I will know it was not because of my being dishonest, duplicitous, or self-serving.

With honesty comes integrity.  My integrity means that people can count on me to keep my word.  They can count on me to be there when I say I will.  They know I will give a full effort in doing whatever it is that is needed.  And they know that I will admit to my failures and shortcomings along the way.  Dealing with failure was another thing I found has really only one acceptable action.  I hate failing but when I do, I have absolutely no problem with saying I have failed.

Another part of honesty and integrity is my ability to say “I do not know.”  People ask questions I do not know the answer to, I admit to that.  If further action is required, I will look to fill my void of knowledge.  If not, I do nothing.

There is always someone who is looking to put me down.  When they say hurtful or dishonest things to me I have two responses I use.  The first is to simply agree with them.  If someone says that I am dumb, I will agree with them leaving them with nowhere to go.  If they say something that is truly bad, I will ask them why they feel that way.  But I will do nothing more than those two things to defend myself against personal attacks.  Such people are looking for a fight, and if I choose not to accept their challenge, what are they left with?

All the above things are the tools I use for success in my personal and professional life.  People know they can count on my honesty and integrity.  Even though I am not 100% successful it still means they can trust me and respect me.  Trust and respect are things that are earned, not demanded.

by

New Year’s Resolutions


I do not make New Year’s resolutions, ever.  But then I am a curmudgeon who is usually in bed by 11PM on New Year’s eve too.  I am not sure why, but it has never meant anything to me.

I could resolve to put a healthy dent in the chocolate stores of Greater Boston but I am already working on that anyway.  I could resolve to up my level of exercise.  That means I have to get over being generally lazy too.  Sounds like a lot of work to me.

I could resolve to lose another 20 pounds or so.  I did lose 20 pounds this past year so I suppose that one is possible but that would require me upping my exercise level and cutting out chocolate.  Refer to the previous paragraph for my response to this one.

Maybe I should resolve to complete all levels of my “Angry Birds” app that I have on my Kindle Fire.  Actually I have two different “Angry Birds” apps just to be clear.  But would that really be resolution or obsession?

I could also resolve to buy a new bicycle when my present one hits 10,000 miles which it should do in early February if not sooner.  It has 9,350 on it now.  It will also be almost 4 years old and will need replacing right?  I mean, last year I have had to replace the rims, the gears, the chain, and the tires.  That sounds like a lot of rationalization but not true resolution.

Maybe I will think this all over a little more, not likely, but maybe.  Oh I know!  I resolve to watch the Patriots on television today and enjoy a nice dinner with Patty.

Happy New Year everyone!!!