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Rating the Websites of the Nation’s Top Technology Universities


I started in computers in 1970, got a B.S. degree in computer science,  and a masters later, was a member of an IBM/DEC effort to computerize the college campus. That was in the mid-1980s. Afterwards, at another job where I was a project manager, my instructions to my web designers were simple: always make whatever you put on a web page “painfully obvious.” The user should never have to guess where to find something and going between a subpage and the home page should always be one click away.

Graphics are great where graphics are called for. But in the first 10 universities I reviewed, all of which either have the word technology in their name or pride themselves in the technology acumen, too many were overburdened with graphics. Worse, some of the graphics seemed like an inside joke, something a person working or attending the university would understand but which an outsider would be made to feel like an outsider.

My next review will be of the Ivy schools, except Cornell which I reviewed here, plus a few other top rated universities.

MASSACHUSETTS INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY

Home Page – “A”. A single frame page with links to every part of the university you are looking for.

Second level pages – “A” equally fine with a single frame, for the most part, but all the important highlights a potential or incoming student may desire.

Overall, the M.I.T. webpage is a model for all schools.

CARNAGIE-MELLON UNIVERSITY

Home Page – “B+”. Scrolling required. Should have stopped at “the fold.” That is, everything below the first frame belongs on another page.

Second Level Pages – “A”. Well organized, no scrolling, and links off to areas potential student would want to see.

Overall, not a bad look. A few fixes here and there on the home page and the site would easily get an A overall.

UNIVERSITY OF MIGHIGAN

Home Page – “C+”. Multiple scrolls require on home page. Would have been perfect if they had stopped at the bottom of the first frame. Everything below the first frame belongs on a different page.

Second Level Pages – “C-“. Does not look like much thought was put into these pages. Way too much blank space. The “Prospective Students” section, for example, has many redundancies which easily leads to confusion.

Overall, is the Big Blue trying to show just how pretentious is can be or is it a lack of engineering oversight? Either way, it is not a good look for such a great university.

CALIFORNIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY

Home Page – “C-”. The slide show banner has got to go! It is very unprofessional. This page is in desperate need of re-engineering. Funny I should have to say that about an engineering school. Kids today love the acronym TMI, too much information and that exactly describes this, the worst of the best technology schools in the nation.

Second Level Pages – A great improvement over the home page.

Overall, I recommend that Cal Tech take a look at the Cal Poly home page to see how it’s done right.

RENSELLEAR POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE

Home Page “D+”. A slideshow at the top?   Why? The most valuable information appears all the way at the bottom of the page: Admissions, academics, schools, resources, etc. This page is easily the biggest waste of space of all the technical colleges.

Second level pages – “B-“. Some were good with all information contained within a single frame while others looked like the home page all over again. The Lally Business School page, for example, would be better served with much small fonts and elimination of the “Lally News & Events,” at least from that second level page.

Overall, this site desperately needs to be reworked. It is poorly laid out and is too concerned with past accomplishments rather than future students.

WENTWORTH INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY

Home Page “A-“. I would have given them an A” but a listing of current “events” simply does not belong on a home page.

Second level pages – “B+”. Not bad although a couple of pages were a bit long. Top in a prospective student’s mind, and his parents, is the cost of attendance. This showed up under admissions as a tertiary page. It should have been on the second level.

STANFORD UNIVERSITY

Home Page “C-“. A college/university president is not the most important person in education. His picture needs to go! Ongoing college events does not belong on a home page. The things most important to the prospective student look like an afterthought sitting at the very bottom of the page. Shame on you!

Second level Pages – These pages are well-organized and a vast improvement over the home page. Were it not for these pages I probably would have given Stanford a “D-“ overall.

I thought Stanford was better than this, guess I was wrong.

GEORGIA INSTITUTE OF TECHNOLOGY

Home Page “C+”. The graphic presentation which takes up the entire first frame needs to go, or at least be put into the background. Flashy is not always good and here it is just bad. The next screen down belongs on a separate page or pages. The third frame needs to be moved to the top in a place of prominence in which it belongs. And with it, most of what is in the second screen could be incorporated there.

Second level Pages – “C+” Same problem as with the home page, the information is spread out over many scrolled screens.   Most of these pages need to have the information which currently resides at the bottom of the page pushed to the top of the page where it belongs.

Those persons responsible for this site desperate need a heavy dose of logic and reasoning. The most important information an educational site offers consistently sits at the bottom of the page on Georgia Tech’s site.

CORNELL UNIVERSITY

Home Page “C-“. I counted five full frames from top to bottom. Here’s a thought, do it in one! Sadly, much of what presently exists on Cornell’s home page is pure eye wash. Everything the prospective student needs already exists in the first frame. The following four frames should have been placed elsewhere on the site or simply eliminated.

Secondary level Pages – “F”. Someone at Cornell is really proud of his graphics. Is that what Cornell is all about?   My first click at the top level was on academics which took me to a page that told me, nothing! Once again, lots of graphics about, who knows what, and I found myself in a position of having to descend yet another level to find anything about academics. And there, at the third level, was all the information I expected to find at the second level.

Overall, I hope Cornell teaches its students better engineers than that which they did on their site.

VIRGINIA TECH

Home Page “A”. Compact and complete. One of the best reviewed.

Second level Pages “A.” I am finishing as I started, a college with a good grasp on what a good website looks like. It is easy to maneuver and very complete with information offered.

Overall, VT site is right up there with M.I.T. as one of the best.

 

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Who Owns America? Not You!


American political parties today are dominated by political action committees. Democrats and Republicans both have PACs who make large contributions to support their various causes. It may come as a surprise to you but the limit for giving, individually, is $35,000. There is, as there always seems to be, a catch.

Let us say, for example, that I am Charles and David Koch with more money than I know what to do with. And I decide I want Joseph Stumblebum to be president of the United States. I start by giving my $35,000 directly to Joe’s campaign. Then another $35k from my wife, another $35k from each of my kids but his kids are all grown. But there is no limit to how much I can give to a national PAC which is not directly supporting a particular candidate.   That is the loophole.

As of February 9, 2016 (www.opensecrets.org) there exist in America today 2,197 groups which are classified as Super PACs! There is no limit on how much money I can give a Super PAC. And of the top 20 Super PACs you have to go all the way down to number 20 to find the first one which supports liberal candidates. But to be fair, of those 20 top Super PACs, one claims no political persuation.

The number 1 Super PAC, which happens to support Bush (Right to Rise USA), has raised a whopping $118,300,000!

According to Forbes Magazine (October 2, 2015) Super PACs have raised over ½ billion dollars for this election cycle. The Forbes 400 estimates the contribution by those 400 to be approximately $66.5 million. But there is a problem with these figures. Like dark matter which is undetectable, Forbes has deemed this sort of giving to be “Dark Money.” It effectively challenges anyone to figure out how much it is and who exactly is giving it.

The original political action committees were formed in the 19th Century to lobby Congress for their various projects and desires. And for all of the 19th Century and a good part of the 20th Century these groups stayed away from political campaigns. It was deemed dishonorable but as soon as campaign finance reform became an idea, certain large industrial groups fearing heavier regulation, transparency of operation and being held accountable, brought the Super PAC into existence.

I am not a supporter of Bernie Sanders but God bless Bernie Sanders because he has done something no one else has had the courage to do. He has flatly refused all PAC money and is at this point running a very successful campaign for president. Bernie has flatly stated that if we want our government back we have to turn away the PACs.

Without regard to party, our Congress has abdicated its obligation to the citizens of the United States favoring the opinion of the PACs and the corporations behind those PACs. Every candidate will make the claim that he, or she, promises to do the will of the people. A multitude of polls have shown the will of the people includes, legalized abortion, tougher gun laws and controls, a higher minimum wage, a better health system (we are 37th in the world just ahead of Slovenia and behind Morocco and Colombia to name a few). Americans want a curb put on jobs being sent overseas, want their roads fixed, their water systems made safe, and their voice heard!

Sadly, America is run by about 1000 people total and not a single one is an elected official. How can I say that? The phrase Political Action Committee is merely a euphemism for political control. The majority of the most power PACs are conservative in nature but there are many liberal PACs as well.

Well, why don’t we just outlaw PACs? Seems like a reasonable solution however it would unconstitutional. It comes under protected speech of the 1st Amendment.

I believe the most reasonable solution is the enacting of term limits for members of Congress limiting any member of Congress to a total of 20 years. That would mean 3 terms for senators and 5 for representatives.

There is no simple solution to the afore-mentioned problems but Americans are going to have to come to terms with these problems if they care to regain control of their government. But until that day, regardless of your political persuasion, the person you put in office will do the bidding of the PACs they are beholding to.

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The Rules of Life


Whatever happened to manners, common curtesy, thoughtfulness? I do not know where it went but we need it back, and we need it back right now!

When I was a kid and had received a present, Christmas or birthday, my mother sat me down at the dining room table and had me write out a thank you note to the person who had given me the gift. It was a small thing but at the time I did not realize how important it was.

RULE 1: ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL

That thank you letter was an acknowledgement of a kindness given. It was a curtesy demanded of people who desired to have good manners. So what is curtesy?

There was a time when men would stand up at the dinner table when a woman came in to sit down. A man would hold the door for a woman to walk through. There was a time when you spoke to your elders using the word “sir” or “ma’m.” It seems like much of that has fallen by the wayside.

Americans are in a rush, all the time and everywhere. But why? I do not know. But here’s something to chew on. If you live 15 miles from work and the average posted speed is 45, that means it will take you about 20 minutes to get to work. Now today’s American is in a rush so he is going to try to average 55 miles an hour for that 15 miles to work. How much time does he gain from going 55? A little over 1 minute. Yup, that’s it, one minute! But that extra 10 MPH makes that driver more dangerous on the road. It is likely he will take chances along the way, rush a yellow light before it turns red, cut off another driver, or worst of all, cause an accident.

RULE NUMBER 2: NEVER EXCEED THE SPEED LIMIT

Now it would appear that rule 2 is meant for the previous paragraph and it is, but only in part. There is a speed limit to living life. But it the case of life, you can neither live it faster or slower than the clock allows. But some people believe that have to push as hard as possible to get where they want to go. To be who they want to be. That person will try to get things done in half a day that normally takes a full day. Are they moving too fast? Speeding? Possibly. Each person needs to check his stress level. A train can go into a curve traveling at a rate of speed greater than the tracks can handle. The tracks become overstressed and fail. People do the exact same thing. Stress is not a normal state of living. That you feel stress for an extended period of time is proof positive you need to slow down.

RULE NUMBER 3: BE A GOOD FRIEND

Okay, so if this were a question it would be a trick question. Being a good friend to the people we know is easy. The people I am speaking are those people we do not know. If you live in a city environment, as I do, you can easily come in contact with a thousand people every day. Most of them we simply pass by without a thought. But occasionally someone catches our eye. Their eyes meet our eyes. At that point we become their brief friend. We smile, nod to them, and maybe even say ‘good morning’ or ‘good afternoon.’ This is what friends do for one another.

Recently I have exacted a demand of myself. Whenever someone asks me how my day is going I must answer with a smile and say energetically, “I’m having a marvelous day! How’s your day going?” I have found it absolutely amazing the positive response I get. I believe if I do that enough times and on a regular basis, sooner or later I am going to run across a person who is actually having a crappy day but my positive energy will lift them just enough to smile for a moment and possibly allow them to feel a little better. But is that not exactly what you would do for a friend?

RULE NUMBER 4: BE INTOLERANT OF INTOLERANCE

The United States of America may be the most diverse country of any in the world. I would not be surprised if we have at least one person who represents every country, every race, every everything in the world. We probably have a member of every religion here too. But just between those two things Americans seem to generate an awful lot of intolerance, bigotry, racism and xenophobia. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into the trap the likes which Donald Trump is making popular. We are both bigger and better than those whose small minds speak poorly of others. We need to recognize that all people, regardless of who they are, share common fears, desires, and interests. My years of living have taught me that whatever you fear, whatever you have done, whoever you are, you are just one of many who feel the same things, want the same things, fear the same things.

RULE NUMBER 5: NEVER LOAN MONEY ANYONE; GIVE IT TO THEM

Few things cause more resentments and hard feelings than money which is lent out and not repaid. Every now and then someone will ask me to loan them some money. I tell them I will not loan them any money but will give them some money with just a single provision attached. That provision is that they promise when someone asked them for a load they will give that person some money. I tell them once that is done, their debt to me is paid but the must never tell me of it. This is just the “pay it forward” concept someone else came up with.

RULE NUMBER 62: DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY

The world does not revolve around you! Ever hear that saying? Well it is true! But here is the really good news: the world does not know you exist. That means when it rains, it rains on everyone, not just you! When you are stuck in a traffic jam and will be late for a super important meeting, just look around you. Everyone else is stuck in that same jam and one of those people may be a doctor who is desperately needed to save a life.

The world was here billions of years before we were born and will continue on billions of years after we die. In time we will all be forgotten. That is neither a good nor bad thing, it just is. If you want to know how to live, take trip to your local park, sit on a bench, and watch the squirrels. Each of them lives entirely within a single moment in time. They scurry around to find food. Hide in the branches to escape the wind and rain. And when they sense danger, as we do, there is that little place in their brain that yells at them to run, same as us. But have you ever heard of an unhappy squirrel. No. And you never will. They simply adapt to what is going on around them and move on.

RULE NUMBER 0: EVERY DAY YOU WAKE UP IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY, CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVE

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Politics and Religion Do Not Mix!


The First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution states: Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

The First Amendment is actually very complex taking on no fewer than 5 separate issues. My interest here is in only one of them, religion. I will start with the man who wrote this amendment, James Madison. Madison was central to writing the base document as well. Madison was an Episcopalian. His colleagues in writing the basic document were:

http://www.internationalman.com/articles/framers-of-the-american-constitution

 

Adams was a Congregationalist, Dickinson a Quaker, Edmund Randolph was an Episcopalian, and Thomas Jefferson was a Deist which meant he did not adhere to any religion in particular. Such was the make-up of those who wrote the Constitution and helped with its first 10 amendments. But only a few of them could be found with any regularity at the church of their choice, except for Madison. The wisdom among each of these men was their ability to compromise because they recognized that to have the new country not only get off to a successful start, but to have a secure future. Going back to 1775, the only man of repute who helped get our country started but held disdain for organized religion was Benjamin Franklin. And yet to this day he is revered.

Strangely, the early 21st century, where politics is concerned, is sounding a lot like the early 19th century when America experienced the 2nd Religious Revival. Politicians from the Republican Party are particularly enamored allying themselves with Evangelical Christians. Curiously, only about 13% of the entire population clings to Evangelical beliefs. As a country, the US is about 71% Christian. Therefore, even among all Christians the Evangelicals can claim about 18%. Why is such a minority so important? When lawyers investigate certain types of individuals during a criminal investigation they are told to follow the money. I believe that it exactly what is happening in the Republican Party today and that is a real shame.

The historical man Republicans love the most is Abraham Lincoln, and for good reason. He brought the party back to life and gave it direction. But Lincoln never joined any particular religion. It was not important to him.

Why then, are today’s Republicans so intent on infusing their religious beliefs on American society in general? Follow the money! Even though I have no proof, I believe many of the Republican PACs are funded mostly, if not entirely, by Evangelicals. This needs to stop, now!

I am not a big fan of Bernie Sanders politics, not because I am a Republican which I am not, but because of his socialist beliefs. And yet he has done something truly remarkable. He is waging a pitted battle against Hilary Clinton but Bernie receives zero PAC money while Hilary relies upon it. But Bernie has made an extremely strong statement in the way he is funded and that is he does not owe a PAC anything. With the exception of Donald Trump who can fund his own campaign, all the rest of the Republican candidates are deeply indebted to multiply PACs. And they know that the Evangelical based PACs are particularly adept at energizing the public to support their candidate.

“Their candidate” should be seen as a curse to every American. The two people who run for president representing their political party should be our candidate. Bernie is on to something because he has shown that individual Americans are more than willing to support a candidate at a level that makes the candidate viable. I expect Hilary will eventually become the Democrat candidate for president and that she will ask Bernie to be her running mate. He is charismatic and will energize the public, particularly young people.

Religion has no place in the American government. Our first amendment says as much. But more importantly, Americans need only look to otherwise democratic countries which do allow religion to mix with the government. In general they are a mess.

It is really quite simple, Jews do not want my Catholic ideas impressed upon them. Southern Baptists have absolutely no interest in embracing Unitarian beliefs, and so forth.

I ask only one thing:

PLEASE KEEP YOUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS OUT OF MY AMERICAN GOVERNMENT!

PLEASE KEEP YOUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS OUT OF MY AMERICAN GOVERNMENT!

 

PLEASE KEEP YOUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS OUT OF MY AMERICAN GOVERNMENT!

 

PLEASE KEEP YOUR RELIGIOUS BELIEFS OUT OF MY AMERICAN GOVERNMENT!

 

 

 

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Self Care


The expression “self-care” is likely people think they understand but when nailed down for a definition they would need to think about it for a while. And were you to ask that very same person what they do on a regular basis that qualifies as self-care, they would probably find themselves at a complete loss for words.

Self-care comes in three distinct, but each equally important, parts. Self-care involves the physical body, mental state and spiritual state. Now do not worry about this becoming some sort of religious treatise, but I assure you, you will hear none of that in this.

PHYSICAL SELF-CARE – This concept is by far the easiest of the three to explain. I cannot imagine any adult have doubts as to its meaning but I am going to bring up a few points all the same. In this area everything starts with your primary care physician. You do have a primary care physician don’t you? If you find yourself answering “no” to that question then get one, today if possible but tomorrow at the latest. Then make an “as soon as possible” appointment for a physical. You may think you are in perfect health but until you hear those words for someone whose job it is to make such judgements; you simply do not know! I cannot emphasize this enough to women in particular. You have breasts which, whether you like it or not, can become cancerous. This is where the advice of a physician is crucial. They will do an in-office exam of your breasts for you plus will teach you how to do a self-exam. Also, and even as a man I know this to be uncomfortable, you need a pelvic exam on a regular basis. Again, cancer is the concern but the good news in both cases those cancers have a high degree of cure. But along with the usual listening to your lungs and heart, looking in your eyes and ears, they do blood and urine tests looking for things with a higher degree of difficulty of discovery.   Get a dentist too while you are at it!

Ah, but that is not everything. Our bodies want us to eat good healthy food. Most of us have some degree of difficulty in identifying what our particular body is craving and which is also healthy. My body craves chocolate but I know except in moderation, it simply is neither necessary nor healthy.

And finally there is exercise. This tends to be the least popular of physical care and yet it is equally important to all the others. What is regular exercise. I believe the general rule is 3 days a week of ½ hour of cardio level exercise. That means your heart beats fast and you work up a sweat. If that seems more than you care to do then I suggest one hour of walking 4 days a week.

MENTAL HEALTH SELF CARE — This may be the scariest of the three but I will attempt here to make it less so, a lot less. This is not a test to find out if you are crazy, just the opposite, it is an exercise in insuring mental acuity. That simply means you do thinks which require you to exercise your brain. Reading, crossword puzzles, even video games require a high degree of focus which helps keep the brain sharp. But it also helps forestall, if not stop completely, any chance of depression, a listless feeling, and other things contrary to good mental health; things which lead to a feeling of dullness in the brain.

It is my belief that 75% or more of all people suffer through a period on mental illness. I am not a medical or psychological professional, however, experience leads me to believe I am probably right. The good news is that most mental conditions encountered by people are temporary and easily dealt with. However, and this is the big one, left untreated a simple problem can easily turn into something extremely serious. One thing I know for certain: there is no shortage of psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers in this country. These are to “go to” people for when you encounter one of the many mental illness any human can experience. I think the ones which most people experience, if not all people, are depression and trauma. We all think we know what depression is and we are probably right. But at such times it never hurts to get an unbiased look-see at the situation. This is not to say that your best friend cannot help you all the way through a depression, but should (s)he not be able to see you through it, the responsible thing to do is to seek out the professional.

Trauma, fortunately, is the rarer of the two conditions. But what is “trauma.” “Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives.” (http://www.apa.org/topics/trauma/).

Unfortunately, many people find themselves having to suffer through one or more of the above mentioned circumstances. In such cases professional help is a necessity. If you are one of those people and have not sought out help because you are afraid of what people will think, stop it! Anything you do which promotes any portion of your health in a good way is always a good thing. In truth, it is none of anybody’s business what measures you are taking to stay healthy and shame on them should they have the temerity to criticize you for doing so. You have to put your well-being ahead of what anyone thinks.

SPIRITUAL HEALTH SELF CARE – It is my belief that spirituality is either the most misunderstood or not at all understood of the three. Spiritual health is necessarily tied to mental health because lacking good mental health makes spiritual health almost impossible. And yet, a person who keeps himself in excellent spiritual health finds that somehow, almost by magic, physical and mental health seem to take care of themselves.

Spiritual health is a state of mind which is practiced on a daily basis. For example, I love to say to people, “Do you know how I know it is going to be a good day today?” And of course they say “no.” “Because I woke up,” I respond. Then I suggest they consider the alternative, it is that day that I do not wake up because I have died. I may be on my death bed but upon waking up that morning I know it is going to be a good day because I woke up. Simply put, I am grateful for every day I am alive.

But that is just the beginning of my day. I have committed to myself to do my level best to never judge another person, regardless of their bad deeds, their irresponsible behavior, their immaturity. There are a lot of people who anger me, that is to be expected. I hate their deeds but I have come to believe that it is either they are very much the narcissist or have a lacking of self-worth. But I have the power to keep myself clear of their foolishness. I will be all right regardless of what they do.

I believe that you cannot be to kind to a person. I like to be a person’s cheerleader. I like encouraging them. I like reassuring them that they are doing the right thing. But most of all, I like telling that regardless the circumstance, they are not alone, there is always someone willing to stand by them and help as much as reasonably possible.

I was at the supermarket today and the woman at the cash register asked me how my day was going. The way she asked me made me feel like this was something the supermarket had commanded her to do. I responded that I was having a fabulous day and asked her with a big smile how her day was going. She instantly knew my question was genuine and she smiled. Mission complete. And that cost me nothing at all.

Healthy spirituality to me means knowing when to speak and when to remain quiet. It means being someone other people can rely upon. It means being 100% honest. It means being helpful even when it might mean my having to go out of my way.

Spirituality to me means that when it is rainy and windy and causing me discomfort, it is the same for everyone else. It means that when I get bad news for my doctor my next question is: “So what are we going to do about this?” It means that I have come to the realization that the universe is moving inexorably in a particular direction and that I can either fight it and lose, or going along with it and win. It means acceptance of my life and everything going on around me always helps me get past the difficult with the least amount of pain.

Spirituality means I take complete responsibility for all of my actions and have no problem admitting to such when it is called for.

Spirituality means I am grateful for all that I have and do not feel I need anything more for continued happiness.

All this things make up the complete package of self-care, at least as far as I can tell.  Who knows, maybe there is more but I am certain that if I keep to the above, which I do, I am guaranteed the greatest amount of happiness possible.

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At Home with Alcoholics Anonymous as Told by Robert Frost


As far as I know, Robert Frost was not an alcoholic.  When it comes to poetry, I am a true philistine but Robert Frost speaks to me, I get him.  One of his poems could easily be adopted by AA as its signature piece.  The name of the poem it “The Death of the Hired Man” and it follows here.  In there you will find he says,  “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in.”

That is an absolute truth about all AA meetings.  I welcome you home.

The Death of the Hired Man

By Robert Frost 1874–1963 Robert Frost

Mary sat musing on the lamp-flame at the table
Waiting for Warren. When she heard his step,
She ran on tip-toe down the darkened passage
To meet him in the doorway with the news
And put him on his guard. ‘Silas is back.’
She pushed him outward with her through the door
And shut it after her. ‘Be kind,’ she said.
She took the market things from Warren’s arms
And set them on the porch, then drew him down
To sit beside her on the wooden steps.
‘When was I ever anything but kind to him?
But I’ll not have the fellow back,’ he said.
‘I told him so last haying, didn’t I?
If he left then, I said, that ended it.
What good is he? Who else will harbor him
At his age for the little he can do?
What help he is there’s no depending on.
Off he goes always when I need him most.
He thinks he ought to earn a little pay,
Enough at least to buy tobacco with,
So he won’t have to beg and be beholden.
“All right,” I say, “I can’t afford to pay
Any fixed wages, though I wish I could.”
“Someone else can.” “Then someone else will have to.”
I shouldn’t mind his bettering himself
If that was what it was. You can be certain,
When he begins like that, there’s someone at him
Trying to coax him off with pocket-money,—
In haying time, when any help is scarce.
In winter he comes back to us. I’m done.’
‘Sh! not so loud: he’ll hear you,’ Mary said.
‘I want him to: he’ll have to soon or late.’
‘He’s worn out. He’s asleep beside the stove.
When I came up from Rowe’s I found him here,
Huddled against the barn-door fast asleep,
A miserable sight, and frightening, too—
You needn’t smile—I didn’t recognize him—
I wasn’t looking for him—and he’s changed.
Wait till you see.’
                          ‘Where did you say he’d been?’
‘He didn’t say. I dragged him to the house,
And gave him tea and tried to make him smoke.
I tried to make him talk about his travels.
Nothing would do: he just kept nodding off.’
‘What did he say? Did he say anything?’
‘But little.’
                ‘Anything? Mary, confess
He said he’d come to ditch the meadow for me.’
‘Warren!’
              ‘But did he? I just want to know.’
‘Of course he did. What would you have him say?
Surely you wouldn’t grudge the poor old man
Some humble way to save his self-respect.
He added, if you really care to know,
He meant to clear the upper pasture, too.
That sounds like something you have heard before?
Warren, I wish you could have heard the way
He jumbled everything. I stopped to look
Two or three times—he made me feel so queer—
To see if he was talking in his sleep.
He ran on Harold Wilson—you remember—
The boy you had in haying four years since.
He’s finished school, and teaching in his college.
Silas declares you’ll have to get him back.
He says they two will make a team for work:
Between them they will lay this farm as smooth!
The way he mixed that in with other things.
He thinks young Wilson a likely lad, though daft
On education—you know how they fought
All through July under the blazing sun,
Silas up on the cart to build the load,
Harold along beside to pitch it on.’
‘Yes, I took care to keep well out of earshot.’
‘Well, those days trouble Silas like a dream.
You wouldn’t think they would. How some things linger!
Harold’s young college boy’s assurance piqued him.
After so many years he still keeps finding
Good arguments he sees he might have used.
I sympathize. I know just how it feels
To think of the right thing to say too late.
Harold’s associated in his mind with Latin.
He asked me what I thought of Harold’s saying
He studied Latin like the violin
Because he liked it—that an argument!
He said he couldn’t make the boy believe
He could find water with a hazel prong—
Which showed how much good school had ever done him.
He wanted to go over that. But most of all
He thinks if he could have another chance
To teach him how to build a load of hay—’
‘I know, that’s Silas’ one accomplishment.
He bundles every forkful in its place,
And tags and numbers it for future reference,
So he can find and easily dislodge it
In the unloading. Silas does that well.
He takes it out in bunches like big birds’ nests.
You never see him standing on the hay
He’s trying to lift, straining to lift himself.’
‘He thinks if he could teach him that, he’d be
Some good perhaps to someone in the world.
He hates to see a boy the fool of books.
Poor Silas, so concerned for other folk,
And nothing to look backward to with pride,
And nothing to look forward to with hope,
So now and never any different.’
Part of a moon was falling down the west,
Dragging the whole sky with it to the hills.
Its light poured softly in her lap. She saw it
And spread her apron to it. She put out her hand
Among the harp-like morning-glory strings,
Taut with the dew from garden bed to eaves,
As if she played unheard some tenderness
That wrought on him beside her in the night.
‘Warren,’ she said, ‘he has come home to die:
You needn’t be afraid he’ll leave you this time.’
‘Home,’ he mocked gently.
                                       ‘Yes, what else but home?
It all depends on what you mean by home.
Of course he’s nothing to us, any more
Than was the hound that came a stranger to us
Out of the woods, worn out upon the trail.’
‘Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
They have to take you in.’
                                      ‘I should have called it
Something you somehow haven’t to deserve.’
Warren leaned out and took a step or two,
Picked up a little stick, and brought it back
And broke it in his hand and tossed it by.
‘Silas has better claim on us you think
Than on his brother? Thirteen little miles
As the road winds would bring him to his door.
Silas has walked that far no doubt today.
Why didn’t he go there? His brother’s rich,
A somebody—director in the bank.’
‘He never told us that.’
                                  ‘We know it though.’
‘I think his brother ought to help, of course.
I’ll see to that if there is need. He ought of right
To take him in, and might be willing to—
He may be better than appearances.
But have some pity on Silas. Do you think
If he’d had any pride in claiming kin
Or anything he looked for from his brother,
He’d keep so still about him all this time?’
‘I wonder what’s between them.’
                                                ‘I can tell you.
Silas is what he is—we wouldn’t mind him—
But just the kind that kinsfolk can’t abide.
He never did a thing so very bad.
He don’t know why he isn’t quite as good
As anyone. Worthless though he is,
He won’t be made ashamed to please his brother.’
‘I can’t think Si ever hurt anyone.’
‘No, but he hurt my heart the way he lay
And rolled his old head on that sharp-edged chair-back.
He wouldn’t let me put him on the lounge.
You must go in and see what you can do.
I made the bed up for him there tonight.
You’ll be surprised at him—how much he’s broken.
His working days are done; I’m sure of it.’
‘I’d not be in a hurry to say that.’
‘I haven’t been. Go, look, see for yourself.
But, Warren, please remember how it is:
He’s come to help you ditch the meadow.
He has a plan. You mustn’t laugh at him.
He may not speak of it, and then he may.
I’ll sit and see if that small sailing cloud
Will hit or miss the moon.’
                                      It hit the moon.
Then there were three there, making a dim row,
The moon, the little silver cloud, and she.
Warren returned—too soon, it seemed to her,
Slipped to her side, caught up her hand and waited.
‘Warren,’ she questioned.
                                     ‘Dead,’ was all he answered.
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And God Spoke to me……


I get a kick out of people who love to quote the Bible and take particular pains to tell me exactly where what they are saying exists in the Bible, like that John 3:11 thing that pops up all the time.  And so, to find out what exists there, I dug out my handy dandy Catholic Bible.  It made me laugh, not because of what it said, but because whoever wrote the passage seemed to think that it must be put in quotes.  By definition, the use of quotes in such circumstances means you are relating the exact words which were said.  And so  you ask me, what’s wrong with that.  When Jesus was wandering about Palestine no one was writing down a single thing he said.  If they did, well, it got lost because not a single text of that sort exists anywhere in the world today.  Now that does not mean Jesus did not say words to that effect, but I find it a real stretch to believe that it is in fact a quote.

The four gospels were written no earlier than 37AD but more likely close to 100AD.  But even at 37AD there exists an obvious problem.  How good was the memory of the writers and who were the writers.  Now here comes the real problem.  In 2012 scholars made a claim they had found the oldest surviving text of the four gospels.  It dates to around 125AD but it is just a small portion of the Gospel of Mark.  The oldest for Matthew dates to 100AD, for John 137AD, and for Luke 200AD.  Worse, none of these gospels is complete.  They are fragments, literally.  Scholars have had to rely on more recent, circa 400AD manuscripts to compile a single Gospel.

The next problem is equally significant.  All four writers of New Testament Gospels were present with Jesus during his life.  And yet, you can easily find time and again a passage in one which seems to disagree with its complement in another Gospel. There exist other Gospels by other writers which the Catholic Church has never accepted.  One of the Gospels is the Gospel of Mary.

Did you ever see the movie “The Life of Brian” done by Monty Python?  It is a parody, not meant to be taken seriously or to be offensive.  There is one portion where a man, Jesus, is speaking to a large crowd.  A second man is standing at the rear of the crowd, is a bit hard of hear, and is constantly asking the man standing next to him what was just said.  Invariably  the man repeating Jesus’ words gets it wrong.  And that is in the moment!

Most people of the day were illiterate.  I suspect Peter was definitely illiterate because he was a fisherman and his father probably never saw the need for that sort of education.  I also suspect that was true for most of the other apostles too.  The solution was an easy one and one oft used in those days, scribes.  But scribes cost money and money for Jesus and his followers was probably something they saw very little of.  There existed a second choice, the “story teller.”  The story teller existed right here in North America among the Native Americans.  Most of them did not have a written language and needed their legacy remembered.  And so all tribes had a story teller who would remember events, messages, and everything else in very exacting language.  They would learn it so well that they could pass on these messages, stories, etc. to the next generation in perfect form.  Each word was remember in it precise location and proper meaning.  Such people existed at the time of Jesus as well.  Unfortunately we have no evidence that those who traveled with Jesus were given such a task.  But just to make a point, the Koran is extremely accurate from its most early days precisely because people were tasked with perfectly committing it to memory and passing on the exact language.

Jesus was literate.  The speaking in tongues, as related in the Bible, speaks to his ability to speak not just in the prevalent native language, Aramaic, but quite possibly in Egyptian, Turkish, Mesopotamian, and the dialects of the various tribes he visited.  His was a mission to deliver the “good news.”

Now if you look at the four gospels closely you will find that there are really only a very few principles He preached constantly: faith, love, good works, acceptance, understanding and forgiveness. And so I just ran across this passage, it is from Matthew, Chapter 7, verse 1: “If you want to avid judgement, stop passing judgement. 2 Your verdict on other will be the verdict passed on you.  The measure with which you measure will be used to measure you.”  My take on that, he new who the gay people were and loved them.  He knew who the prostitutes were and loved them.  He knew who the thieves were and loved them.

Consider this, Jesus never founded a church because he was both born a Jew and died one.  He only preached in the synagogues towards the end of his ministry.  I expect he did this because he felt he could reach a lot more people by mixing with them in their daily lives.  We have ample example of that happening.

But the most curious of all statements in the New Testament is where some theologian thought to put the phrase “I have not come to change the law.”  I do not believe for a second Jesus ever said that because that is exactly why he came when he did.  The law was imperfect and needed changing.  He even went so far as to say the “eye for an eye” concept of the Old Testament was changed to the New Testament principle of “turn the other cheek.”  Jesus was a radical, an extreme liberal of his day.  Those Jews who felt offended by His ministry and said such were really just revealing their own guilt.  Jesus ended the ancient Jewish custom of stoning by saying “he who is without sin, let him cast the first stone.”

I believe that Jesus purposefully made certain that no exact record of his adventures was ever made because as he said, “go in peace, your faith has saved you.”  He led by example and showed everyone the righteous was to act hence forth.  In the early days following the death of Jesus, His followers were of course outcasts of the Hebrew religion but the did not know what to call themselves.  The chose to say they were followers of “the word.”  That was good enough and said everything.  The apostles remembered well what Jesus had taught them and went about spreading “the way.”  But it was certainly by the year 100AD that they called themselves Christian for the first time.

I was talking with a priest recently and said to him that it is my belief if Jesus decided to come back, but not in a “second coming” sort of way, He would most certainly visit the leadership of all the various Christian churches to voice his displeasure in how they are acting and what they are saying.  I think he would start with the Pope and ask him why Rome has found it necessary to accumulate such large caches of wealth while millions of followers go hungry each night.  He would also question the need for all the pretense of the Pope and his selected cardinals.  He would certainly question their requirement of tending to the poor, the sick, and the poor in spirit.

He would like remind many of the conservative Protestant churches of what was said in Matthew that I quoted above.  He would ask about their pride in being intolerant and intractable.  We could use a little Jesus about now.  Christians seem to have forgotten what his mission was and have made it into something that serves their desires while ignoring the intent of the words as Jesus spoke them.

God once said to me, “How dare you question my love for any of mine!”  I had asked the question of what to do when I come into contact with those who condemn gay people and state that “God hates fags.”  And in that one little statement a great deal was said.  We cannot know the mind of God as we sit here on earth but we do know his intent, Jesus gave us the words.  God simply wants us to do our best, to be kind to anyone and everyone we meet, particularly those who would quarrel with us.  He wants us to love all people as if they each were a blood brother or sister.  He tells us not to fear sin, but simply to make our amends and change that which took us into that sin.  And God has no preference of religious practice, one is as good as another as far as He is concerned.  No one religion is absolutely right or absolutely wrong.  And to put a point on that, He loves his Hindus, His Buddhists, His agnostics and His atheists.  He gave each person the right to be what he believes to be right.  He knows the best of Catholics or Jews is no better than the best of agnostics or atheists.

 

 

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I’m Only 25! How Can I Be an Alcoholic?


Alcoholism is a disease. Alcoholism is a disorder. There are two camps of thought on this be regardless of which you chose, alcoholism is a problem that no one disputes, except the alcoholic of course. The NIH has 11 criteria for alcoholism only two of which need be present:

  • Had times when you ended up drinking more, or longer than you intended?
  • More than once wanted to cut down or stop drinking, or tried to, but couldn’t?
  • Spent a lot of time drinking? Or being sick or getting over the aftereffects?
  • Experienced craving — a strong need, or urge, to drink?
  • Found that drinking — or being sick from drinking — often interfered with taking care of your home or family? Or caused job troubles? Or school problems?
  • Continued to drink even though it was causing trouble with your family or friends?
  • Given up or cut back on activities that were important or interesting to you, or gave you pleasure, in order to drink?
  • More than once gotten into situations while or after drinking that increased your chances of getting hurt (such as driving, swimming, using machinery, walking in a dangerous area, or having unsafe sex)?
  • Continued to drink even though it was making you feel depressed or anxious or adding to another health problem? Or after having had a memory blackout?
  • Had to drink much more than you once did to get the effect you want? Or found that your usual number of drinks had much less effect than before?
  • Found that when the effects of alcohol were wearing off, you had withdrawal symptoms, such as trouble sleeping, shakiness, irritability, anxiety, depression, restlessness, nausea, or sweating? Or sensed things that were not there?But I am speaking specifically to those of you in your teens and 20s. The common refrain is: “But I’m on 25, how can I be an alcoholic?” Because 2 of the examples above are present.

Still not convinced? Okay, years ago Johns Hopkins University came up with 20 questions for those who doubt or think they might have a problem with drinking:

Now remember, you need only identify with 2 of the above to be an alcoholic.

  1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?
  2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
  3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
  4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
  5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
  6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
  7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
  8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?
  9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
  10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
  11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
  12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
  13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
  14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
  15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
  16. Do you drink alone?
  17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
  18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
  19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
  20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

And here is what they say if you respond in the positive to any of these questions:

“If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.”

I answered “yes” to 11 of them. But still I did not believe because I was never an everyday drinker. I seldom got drunk. I lost only one job because of drinking. I was never arrested for DUI, nor even stopped. And when I joined AA, I had held the same job for 10 years, always showed up on time and did my job. So how could I be an alcoholic?

Because I, in a moment of honesty, answered yes to 11 of the questions above. Because I was in desperate straits and thought I was on the cusp of total destruction. Because I had almost no friends, my family desired I say away from them and I was a wreck. Anyone who observed me could easily have made the comment “you’re a wreck! You need help!” without ever seeing me take a single drink.

Well, let’s go back to my 25-year-old. First of all, alcoholism does not care what age you are, what your financial standing is, how smart you are, what race you are, what religion you are, or anything else you can think of which would preclude you from being an alcoholic. It simply, like any disease, does not care. Physicians and health care providers are at a loss to predict when any one person will cross that line from being a non-alcoholic to being an alcoholic. But they do know, once you become one, you are always one.

I have been in Alcoholics Anonymous for over 17 years now. But when I had been in A.A. for fewer than 90 days I saw a teenage girl of 15 getting her one-year sober medallion. Age is irrelevant. Alcoholism is so prevalent among teens and 20-somethings in our society, that with A.A. there exist hundreds of meeting referred to as “young peoples meetings.” I went to one once, was invited, and there was a room of about 30 or so young people in attendance. Each had stopped fighting the idea that they had a problem with alcohol. Each had made an honest assessment of their life up to that point and saw that denial of the obvious was a hopeless battle.

Today, five days a week, I go to a meeting in Boston in which there are usually about 6 people under 30. One just turned 20.

It is extremely difficult for a young person to believe that they can possibly be an alcoholic, particularly when they see all their friends “partying” and drinking to their heart’s desire. But the question cannot be about what they are doing and why. It necessarily must be about you and why you are drinking. When I first started drinking I was 19. A late comer who did all he could do to make up for lost time. But more importantly, I wanted to be a person who could party, comfortably. I had no self-confidence that I, as a sober person, could possibly have fun at a party. I would be too shy, too withdrawn, too something to enjoy myself. And so, like when I got a headache and took some aspirin, when I was going to a party I made certain that I drank prior to arriving. Alcohol was medication to me, and it worked! Oh yes, it did indeed work. I had a good old time. But I failed to ask the question, at what expense? I failed to see people inching away from a drunk, me, who was making a fool of himself. I failed to see, even more importantly, that I was using alcohol as an anesthetic to cover over my underlying problems. My shyness was the result of something. My social awkwardness was the result of something, my inability to enjoy myself sober at a party was the result of something. The non-alcoholic addresses those issues and others straight on. The alcoholic decides that there is nothing quite like a good numbing agent.

There is a ton of bad logic in alcoholic thinking. Most importantly, the alcoholic convinces himself through drinking that he can do something he might otherwise think impossible. The bad logic there is simple: sober people who try something and fail either go right back at it again or seek out help in overcoming their problem.

So here we are. If you are still reading this, you are probably struggling with the possibility that you might have a problem with alcohol. I will give you an easy way out. Find an A.A. meeting in your area. They’re everywhere and you can usually find a phone number in the phone book of an A.A. help line. If you cannot, contact me and I guarantee I will find you not one, but a dozen meetings so that you will have choices. And once you attend that first meeting, if you cannot say the words “I am an alcoholic” then simply say “Hi, my name is Joe, and I don’t want to drink today.” That phrase is accepted in AA everywhere around the world.

But go to the meeting with a purpose beyond just seeing what it is all about. Go there with the idea of finding someone who you identify with who you can talk with after the meeting to help you with your decisions.

Now, I have a challenge for you. Imagine that for Lent this year, it starts February 10, you gave up alcohol. Lent only last for 40 days so that should be an easy task. Now here’s the curve ball, you know for fact that on February 13, just 3 days into Lent, there is going to be this huge Valentine’s Day party at which you know there is going to be a ton of alcohol. How likely is it you can attend that even and limit yourself to drinks which contain no alcohol? Oh, and for the record, those drinks which call themselves “non-alcoholic beer” and others like it, contain alcohol. They can claim to be non-alcoholic because they contain 0.5% by volume of alcohol. Therefore, you would be not allowed to drink such drinks either. The non-alcoholic finds such a task laughable because they feel no need. When the non-alcoholic takes on the job of designated driver, she is quite content with drinking coke, juice or even just water. It does not have any impact upon how much fun she will have.

One of the great lies alcoholics tell themselves and anyone who will listen is, “I can stop anytime!” But the truth is they cannot. The police love hearing “I only had two bears” when they stop the obvious intoxicated driver. You see, the “I only had two beers” is an incomplete sentence. The full sentence goes, “I only had two beers when I stopped counting.”

There is no shame in deciding you are an alcoholic. They only shame is denying the obvious or at least the possible. There is no down side to never taking a drink again. If a sober person were told by his doctor that he has this rare genetic condition which will cause death if that person continues to drink. For an instant the sober person might think, “well that sucks,” but to the doctor he will say, “okay” and with the knowledge that his life is in the balance will forever restrict himself from the use of alcohol. For the person who already is an alcoholic, the same is true, his life lies in the balance if the use of alcohol is not discontinued.

Years ago there was this young woman, Melanie, who was trying to get sober because she knew she needed to. But her participation in A.A. was sketchy at best. One day I received a text from her which read “please help me!” But before I could get to her she was dead. Alcoholism. Four years ago there was another young lady I knew because of AA. She came from an upper middle class family who loved her. She was a graduate from an Ivy League college, a Navy veteran, an extremely popular person with everyone who knew her, she was quite athletic and beautiful to boot! She had it all, that is, until January 7 when she decided at age 31 she still hand another round of drinks in her. Turns out she did not. She is dead.

Medicine is a science within which there is a lot of guessing. It is not that the doctors are all incompetent or inept, but that where every person’s physical makeup is different, so too is their ability to tolerate disease. The only known treatment for alcoholism is total abstinence. That works every time. And once free of alcohol, the individual will sudden find he has time to deal with all the problems which caused him to drink. He will find out through the social interactions with AA that his worries, his shortcomings, his disabilities are very common and that the AA member is usually more than happy to talk about how they overcame those issues without having to use alcohol.

If alcohol is the answer, then it is a sure thing you do not know or understand the question because alcohol is never the answer to anything.

Oh, by the way, AA meetings are not overwhelming older men wearing trench coats or people who are homeless or living in shelters. To the contrary, such a person is the except in meetings. My daily meeting is full of professionals, doctors, lawyers, financial analysts, psychologists, teachers, professors, brick layers, iron workers, policemen, and just about any other profession you can think of. The average meeting is not filled with people over the age of 50. Most meetings have significant numbers of people in the 30s and 40s, not to mentions those in their teens and 20s.

The young person who comes to Alcoholics Anonymous and stays invariably tells the story of the many “miracles” he, or she, has experienced since becoming a sober person. Their wildest dreams have come true and then some. The “and then some” are those wonderful things they experience which had not crossed their mind when they were simply trying to get and stay sober.

The AA Promises

“1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed

before we are half way through.

  1. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
  2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
  3. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
  4. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience

can benefit others.

  1. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
  2. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
  3. Self-seeking will slip away.
  4. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
  5. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
  6. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
  7. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for

ourselves

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us –

sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84

 

Everyone who hangs around AA long enough and invests the time and energy needed to succeed, will tell you that not only do all those promise come true, but they come true to an even greater extent than initially imagined.

If you need help, the Alcoholics Anonymous World Service, located in New York has a web page at www.aa.org

If you want to ask me a question about anything feel free to contact me directly. My personal email account is: osgoodp@comcast.net

 

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How To Know If You Are in a Healthy Relationship


Not every relationship comes to an end but many do. Marriages, lovers, friends, all have a time in their life when they realized what was once a great relationship simply has ceased to exist. The smart person is not afraid to recognize such a situation and do one of two things. First, they can reach out to the other person and after telling that person they believe their relationship has died or is in its death throws but that they want to see if it can be resurrected. Or, they can simply walk away after telling the other person that their relationship is over and they have no desire to fix it.

Of the three above mentioned relationships the marriage reigns supreme, of course. That relationship seldom comes to an end because the actions of one person accounts for 100% of the problems. I believe that most have somewhere between a 60/40 and a 50/50 responsibility. To me that says most relationships, at least within that range, are repairable and with a minimal amount of pain. But then there is that relationship where one party accounts for 70 to 80% of the issues. Still, the partners in such a relationship should seek outside help and get an unbiased assessment of where they stand.

I think it likely that when a relationship hits the 70% plus fault it is probably time to call it quits. For some reason women are predisposed to hanging in there, their usual reason being “for the kids.” To that person I would say, your unhealthy relationship with your husband, or your wife, is hurting your children more than you realize. And by keeping the marriage alive via life-support only exacerbates the pain the children feel.

For the most part, children love both their parents equally and want both of them around all the time. But children are very poor judges of what is good for them. That is one of the reason we are legally, if not morally, bound to the care of our children. And since children are like sponges, taking in everything they see and hear around them. But when those things are negative, they tend to believe that those negative things are the way the world works. That of course is simply not true. That is a relationship that necessarily needs a great deal of work to get it fixed or the couple needs to think of their children and separate.

We tend to take what we learn about relationships we have in our teens and twenties as how things “have to be.” It is my experience that most of those conclusions are not only wrong, but are so wrong the put in jeopardy the success of all future relationships.

The most important part of a relationship is honesty and trust. Now that might sound like two separate things, and they can certainly be taken separately, but in a relationship they must be held as one principle with neither being more important to other. To the contrary, the one relies upon the other for success. We trust people because we know we can count of their truthfulness with us. They are also reliable but that is the second most important factor.

There are two kinds of relatable truths: the easy truth and the tough truth. The easy truth is: “I’m sorry honey, I went out with Jason even though I promised you I would never do that again.” The tough truth is: “I don’t think our relationship is working anymore and I think we need to separate.”  The good news about each statement is that unto itself, each is truthful. The simple truth of each statement should lead to an exhaustive examination of the relationship at that point of time with each party coming to a meeting of the minds.

People who truly care about one another know exactly what little things thrill their partner. That known, they do a good job of doing one of those little things on a regular basis. They realize it a mistake to take their partner for granted.

The good relationship has each party in tune with the other. They instinctively know when their partner is not feeling well, is hiding their feelings, or is troubled in any fashion. They also know they hold a responsibility to reach out to their partner immediately upon the realization of the trouble.

And the killer to any and all relationships is the answer to the question: “Is your relationship largely based on sex?” If the answer is yes, make certain the other person is in the relationship for the same reason because if they are not, then the relationship is by definition based on a lie. People have purely physical relationships all the time but that is only good when it is mutually agreed upon.

The good and strong has three equally important parts: physical, mental and spiritual. If any of those three are missing, cut your losses and move on.

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The Ultimate Guide to Social Success While Enduring Your Teens and Twenties


My last posting, An Absolute Guide to Surviving Your Teens and Twenties, struck me, almost immediately following my posting it, as being incomplete. And then it hit me. BAM! You idiot! You forgot to tell the how to navigate life during their teens and twenties. I would apologize for such a faux pas except that upon reflection, I realized it would have made the first posting too long and most likely, difficult to understand. Therefore, this is really part two to that first posting, just with a different title.

When I was in my teens, and in high school, a deadly duo if ever there was one, I was ruled by fear. That had actually started prior to my teens but my experience as a teen is more than enough to make a point.

Everybody, hopefully, has a first day of high school. Some of you more advantaged people, had a first day of prep school. Me, I started at the first and ended up at the latter. Anyway, there you are with several hundred of your closest friends heading into an auditorium for orientation. Most of you took this as an opportunity to talk to your friend on one side or the other of you. And maybe you talked to both of them. Does not matter! Not listening was by no means a fatal error but it did have a degree of seriousness. That is, some guy stood up on a stage and told you what to expect now that you were joining the part of life known as high school. Had what that person been saying been a guide of how to get from one side of the Amazon upper river, where you presently were, to the other side of the upper Amazon safely, I would be willing to bet that not only would 90% of you have listen, but would have taken notes. The other 10%?   Well, isn’t there always that 10% who just seem incapable of understanding the gravity of what they are about to undertake? I think so.

After the first month or so of your freshman year you have figured out which group of outcasts you belong to. I say outcasts in a coverall way because everyone group, each in its own way, is a bunch of outcasts at least for the time they assemble.

Now you probably think I am going to go on another diatribe about how important education is for you. Nah, I did that in my last post and I really hate repeating myself. This little diatribe is all about social survival. And since for high schoolers the overwhelming amount of socializing happens either within those high school walls or out on the athletic fields, what better place to focus upon!

Now take a second and think about your two greatest fears. Make certain you are being honest with yourself and place them in the front of your mind. I am willing to be that fear is one of those fears.   Sounds rather redundant doesn’t it. Well it’s not! Actually, it is prime to our entire survival.

There is this little talked about part of your brain called the amygdala. It is right next to the pituitary gland which helps regulate everything which happens in your body. But the amygdala has one purpose and one purpose only. The amygdala tells the pituitary gland that your life is in imminent danger and to send out a high amount of adrenaline to put the body into a fully alert state and defend itself. That one goes all the way back to when we were still crawling around in trees and could not communicate with one another except through sign language.

One of the first big social events all high schoolers experience, if they so choose, is the homecoming dance. That is the time when the school’s seniors, and a few choice juniors, celebrate something they really do not understand but since it means showing off with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you go all out for it. For the most of us, it is a time of heightened social fear. Why? Well I am so happy you asked! Because we have decided during that dance that the boy or girl we would really like to have a dance with will reject us out of hand. That is called projection.   It is an irrational fear which decides our next move, or in this case, lack of movement.

At my twentieth high school reunion I sat at a table I call the “divorced table.” I think there were ten of us and we were all divorced. To my heart’s belated delight, most of the women were some of the prettiest and most desired in high school. Now here comes the shocker, are you ready? Each of them agreed that far too many Saturdays passed with them not having a date when they desired one. The crusher for me was when I said to one of the women seated there, “oh I had such a crush on you.” And to my shock she responded, “I had one on you too but you never said anything!” So does that mean all I had to do as a freshman attending the homecoming dance was to walk across the floor, pushing aside my fear of rejection, and asking her to dance with me and I would likely have met with success. Well, if what I have just said is to be believed then the answer is an extremely obvious yes!

I remember thinking, “how come no one ever said anything?” The answer is amazingly simple: because most of us never overcame our fear of rejection to chance acceptance and so we said, or in this case, did nothing.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Odd statement huh? But think about it, was every high school dance you ever attended a repeat of the one prior. Were you doing your own version of “Ground Hog Day.” Most likely! That does not mean you will never get rejected, it just means you need to change your focus. I know for absolute fact that at any high school dance you ever attend there are going to be this rather large group of boys and girls who are dying to be asked!

Now if you happen to be reading this and are also in high school you would probably like to yell at me how there is this group of people who are universally popular! And you know what? You are quite correct. HOWEVER! They are in the minority, and a small minority at that. Which means by default, you are in the majority! The majority always rules but only when it does something.

Oh, and that reminds me, if you are drinking alcohol, STOP IT! Not only is it illegal, actually the least of your problems, but it denies you access to that part of you that will make you a social success. And now you are going to tell me how you become more social when you drink.   Wrong! You just talk more and most likely make a fool of yourself. And if you are a regular drinker, well, you are going through the progression of socially retarding yourself. Is that what you really want? Think about that guy or girl who is intelligent, beautiful, and popular who you would dearly love to date. Chances are they do not drink. But if they do drink, then you definitely do not want to date them because they are a mess inside in spite of any successes they seem to be amassing.

And drugs? A complete waste of time! Yeah yeah, I did a little marijuana and hash in my twenties but to what end? I just made myself into a bigger fool than I already was. In the 1980s there was a saying going around which went something like this: drugs are for people who cannot cope with reality, and reality is for people who cannot cope with drugs. Truer words were never said! So when you are considered doing X, or K, or Molly or whatever else is out there, do yourself a huge favor and opt out. Anything a doctor has not prescribed to you and you take are a roadblock between you and the happiness you so desperately desire.

And so you graduate from high school and find yourself in your twenties. If you are going to school, keep the focus on your studies and make party time tertiary. Third? Yes, because taking care of yourself in body, mind and spirit comes first, your studies come second and your family comes third. Ooops, looks like I just made party time 4th and maybe it should be even lower.

Every state in the United States considers you to be an adult once you achieve the age of 18. Do not be fooled! It is a trick! You are not! Science generally agrees that women mature more quickly than men and it has been my experience that such is exactly the case. There seems to be about a 3 year difference. So guys, this means that when you reach the age of 21 you are probably still acting like an 18-year-old. And just how responsible is an 18-year-old? Not very. It is not their fault. It just the way the maturation process works.

The smart person, for the first half of their 20s, refuses to get into committed relationships. They do this because they are still exploring what type of a relationship they want to be in which means who would make the best sort of partner for them. They will love someone for a while and then suddenly discover they like the person more than love the person. They met a good person, someone who will make a good friend, but who would make an absolutely miserable lifetime partner. Oh, and they do not party much.

But the early twenties are also the time you need to get every mistake you can make out of the way. You will make a lot of mistake just don’t forget what they were because they hold a lot of value for your future. A mistake is the universe’s way of saying, “Don’t do that again!”

A common mistake is a young man or woman finding the person who they think is mister or miss right when in fact that person is simply mister right now, or miss. That’s okay because that is how you learn who will not figure into your future, at least not as a life mate.

Regardless, for those years of 20 to 25 do not worry about all the mistakes you make, just be certain to remember each and every one. It sucks making the same mistake twice. Take that from someone who had done such many times over. Oh, and if you happen to reach 30 and still have not met the right person, fear not, they are close. And let me put one last misconception to bed. It is common said when looking at the people around you, and after being asked why you do not date a particular person, to say, “Oh, we’re just friends.” Just friends? That is exactly the person you want to marry. If you are not considering marrying a person who is also your best friend, you have probably made the wrong choice. Take another look at your friends, the right guy or girl for you may be right there.

There is a quip you hear sometimes: “the secret to life is . . . . “ There is no secret to life. Life means you wake up and you are happy that you did so. Life is enjoying the people around you. Life is a quiet moment watching ducks paddle a pond and seeing how “just being in the moment” works so really well for the rest of the animal kingdom. For some odd reason, man seems to have missed this most salient of all points. Live in the moment. Remember, when it rains on you it is raining on everyone else too. You are never alone. Want to see that work? Next time you come across a friend or are with a group of friends, look for the quiet one and go up and ask, “how’s it going?” And do not let them get away with a one sentence answer. Do not just act like you care, care. You might be the person who not only helps salvage that person’s day, but you will find yourself a happier person, almost like it was magic.