alcoholics anonymous

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You Do Not Ever Need to Feel Lonely Again


I am struck by how many people say they feel lonely a lot. Why is this? Is it because they do not have a mate? Is it because they do not know what to do with themselves? Is it because they are depressed?

I will start with the last thing first. Depression is a medical condition which requires treatment, first and foremost, by a psychiatrist. I hear many people say they went to their primary care physician to deal with it. If the primary care physician is not immediately referring such patients to a psychiatrist, shame on them! But once that condition is stabilized, the following suggestions apply to them equally as with someone who does not have depression.

The first thing you might do is read a book. Figure out which types of books are likely to be of greatest interest to you. Expect to find some that, after reading a book or two, did not hold you as you had hoped. Move on to another genre and do not stop until you have identified at least two genres that please you. Once that is accomplished, play a game with yourself to read as many of these books in a month as you can. Of course, libraries are a great resource in finding books but if you end up like me, you use your local bookstore to find them. And once you are done with them, please, do not throw them away. Simply put them in the library’s return book area or drop off device and be certain they will be welcomed.

Next, get outdoors and walk. Even walking is a great source of exercise but as another use, you can get out into nature and enjoy her. Most people own an automobile, so if you live in a city, make no excuses about there being nothing to find in the city. I can easily combat that idea, but that is for another time. In the countryside, find a walking trail. Walk slowly with the determination to find as many different animals as you can. Even when I am riding my bicycle, you would be surprised by all the animals I saw. And oh yes, bring a camera with you. You may see some animal you have seen frequently, but this is a photographic notebook of your travels. And no time of year is not good to do this. Once you start see certain animals and birds, of course, many times, find a spot where you can rest and watch these creatures in their habitat. Note how they move and which of their species they move with and how they do it. One thing you will find, birds love to be in the company of another of their species but of the opposite species gender. Note the color differences. If the bird is brightly colored, most likely it is a male. But do not stop a birds, notice bugs, and if you have the stomach for it, spiders, they are the most resourceful and creative of all insects, in my opinion. And for a mind blower, remember that scorpions are related to spiders!

Another thing to take note of is the flora of the woods. In northern climes, see if you can spot a lady’s slipper, a type of orchid which is rare but not impossible to find. If you see one, there are probably others near it. But do not pick them! They are an endangered species. Of course, also in nature are trees. There are nine different types of conifer trees, pine trees. There are 35 different species of elm tree, there are 600 different types of oak tree, there are 17 types of walnut tree, there are 13 different types of cedar tree, and the list goes on.

Can you find edible plants? There are 120,000 types of these plants.

Wild flowers abound and figuring out what you are looking at is a challenge unto itself.

I recommend that your purchase some of the different books that apply to each of the things above: trees, birds, wild animals, edible plants, rocks and other things.

Finally, if you find yourself “stuck” in the city and cannot get out for any reason, take a walk along the sidewalks. As you do and come upon a building you think is old, look up and find some of the most amazing architecture. Modern buildings are cold and without merit. But buildings dating back to the 1930s and earlier, were built with a lot of pride. You will find cornices, finials, balustrades, arched windows, colored glass, and windowed and non-windowed domes, some with bells. There are many other parts as well but that is what you will need to identify. Start with the easy buildings, old public libraries and other public buildings. Take pictures of these buildings, make a written note of them, such as what the picture is, and take them home and research them. It is not impossible to find a building dating back to the 1850s, or earlier! Note the progression of styles. Find out what their original use was. Let’s say you live in New York City. There are two buildings of note that I would bet most New Yorkers know nothing of their history. The first is the Flatiron building and the other is Grand Central Terminal.

Each of the things noted above are things you can do alone. And some beg you to do them alone. But the important part of all these exercises is that you will not feel alone while doing them and you cannot help but learn something new, never a bad thing.

One last important note. If you find yourself drinking every night or everytime you feel lonely, consider the case that you might be an alcoholic. Call your local Alcoholics Anonymous Service Center and talk to whoever answers. They are alcoholics in recovery and can give you some useful guidance.

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My Peculiar (?) Version of Alcoholism


What follows is a true story and solely my experience. Alcoholism does not run in my family. My parents were not alcoholics, my sister isn’t, but I am not sure about my brother, probably not though. The only person in my extended family who definitely was one was my favorite cousin. And he was that long before I took my first drink.

Just a tiny bit of background. From a young age, my mother would allow me to take a sip of the wine she had set out for my father for when he got home from work. It was love at first sip and I sipped for many many years. I once heard a fellow share at a meeting that the legal age for drinking in South Boston was 12. He was joking, of course, but he was putting a date on the beginning of his drinking career and I have heard a lot of people put similar dates on their drinking careers. But for me, my first drink happened at age 19 at the Fort Wolters (TX) officers’ club. And it was not just one drink. That would have been too easy. No, I went through 23 drinks, all but one of the 7 and 7 variety. Needless to say I was blackout drunk. And a little later that evening I made a total fool out of myself back at the barracks where I managed to fall completely down the barracks stairs from the 2nd floor to the first and then tumble into the latrine there hitting my head hard on the concrete floor. A number of my mates rush to see if I hadn’t killed myself.

And that was the last drink I took until January of the following year, 1969. I was stationed in Korea in what was ostensibly a war zone. In those days Korea was a very lonely place for a person who did not make friends easily. I discovered a club called the USOM (United States Overseas Mission) Club. I don’t know what their mission was but it was there that I took up drinking straight shots of rum. A very fast, cheap, drunk that was. In those days it was rare that a military person had to pay more than 25 cents for a drink of hard alcohol. After $3 you could be really drunk. Many was the night I did exactly that.

As an aside, for now, I entered a contest called “The Miller Man Contest” whose first prize was R&R in Hawaii. I entered it and immediately forgot all about it.

When I returned to the U.S. in December 1969 I had no thought of drinking. My father died almost exactly one month later, January 24, 1970. A month later, while I was suffering from a particularly bad case of the flu, there came a knock at the side door. Upon answering it the man on the other side asked, “Where do you want it?”

“Where do I want what?”

“Twelve cases of Miller beer.” It seems I had won an alternate prize. Curiously, at that moment I did not care for beer and suddenly I had 12 cases of it! I did sell off over half of it but I also gain a taste for it. But there was no getting drunk. In fact, between then and October of that year, I barely had anything to drink at all. October 1970 is when I went back into the army and found myself stationed in Italy. I never drank every day in Italy but when I did, it was always for the same two reasons. I either wanted to escape reality or I wanted to feel sociable. In other words, I saw alcohol as medicine and that never changed.

There were only a couple of times in my entire drinking career where I drank a got drunk for more than a couple of days in a row. And those times were me drinking for a week solid. But then I’d stop. And I could stay stopped for a month. But put a little stress on me and I was looking for a drink to release the stress. It never occurred to me that stress relief would come via facing what was challenging me.

I cannot say I never drank in the morning, I did. I cannot say I never drove drunk, I did. But most importantly, I cannot say that my drinking only hurt me, it did not. Most importantly, it hurt what should have been healthy relationships, my wife, my daughters in particular.

In the final years, I had so many liquid lunches it was ridiculous! I had one half hour for lunch at work. My half hour started at about 11:30 and ended at 1, regularly. And I was always chasing that “buzz” which left me feeling good. But mostly I blew past the buzz and into another universe.

Finally, on July 3, 1998, I was out and about in Boston with my girlfriend. We started drinking about 11 and continued on. I can remember at the first place we stopped I ordered a beer, it was a hot and humid day, and I told the waitress that as soon as she went back to bring me a second beer because I would definitely be done with the first, and that is exactly what happened.

From there my girlfriend and I wandered down the Boston Esplanade to a place where we lay down in the grass and just took everything in. I actually sobered up. But when I got up I felt light headed. And when I started to walk, I found breathing a bit difficult. My girlfriend looked at me and told me that I literally looked gray. She thought it best we call an ambulance but I objected, saying that the Massachusetts General Hospital was so close that I could easily get there. Well, that meant I had to climb and cross this foot bridge over a busy thoroughfare to the hospital. It took all the will-power I could muster to make it over that bridge and then fall into the emergency room. It took the doctors fewer than 3 minutes to diagnose me with having a heart attack.

A doctor a little later came by me and said, “you have to stop drinking and drugging.” To which I replied, “but I don’t drink!” Alcoholics are really smart people who while drinking say incredibly dumb things. And there I was, instead of denying the drugs, which would have been the truth, I picked alcohol, which was the problem. It never occurred to me that this trained observer, this physician actually knew what he was seeing and talking about.

It wasn’t until later October that I found my way to Alcoholics Anonymous and had my last drink. I put my sober date at November 1, 1998 because I had no faith in myself that I could remember something like October 23 which was probably the last day.

But I was still not an alcoholic, in my mind. I went to meetings because they promised to make my life better if I would stay away from a drink a day at a time. I figured that was a fair trade and also, I was desperate. Even more, where step 2 of the 12 steps refers to a return to sanity, I knew I was crazy and if this 12-step program could stop the crazy in me, I was all in. And it actually took me a few years before I realized that I was truly an alcoholic.

Today, 21 years and 4 months later, my life is really good. I could still argue that I am not an alcoholic but to what end? The kindness, the wisdom, the friendship I found in all those meeting I went to are second only to the birth of my daughters. And without the meetings, saying I was still alive, it is doubtful I would have any of my daughters in my life today, or anyone else for that matter.

My story illustrates that you do not have to drink everyday to be an alcoholic. If you drink to be sociable, because otherwise you cannot, you might think about it. If you find yourself getting blackout drunk, you might want to think about it. If you find yourself waking up in strange places with no idea of how you got there, you might want to think about. If you think you are too young to be an alcoholic, think again. Were that true there would not be alcoholics anonymous meeting meant for young people, teenagers are regularly sighted at such meetings. And if what I have offered about is not enough,

If you are reading this and wondering if you are an alcoholic do this: make a vow to yourself that you will not drink for 90 consecutive days and that for each of those 90 days you will find an A.A. meeting, attend it, raise your hand a tell people what’s going on with you, and stay after the meeting to talk to members of the meeting. I promise you this, you will not regret it.

If you remain unconvinced, take a minute to take the test below which was developed by Johns Hopkins University.

20-Question Addiction Questionnaire John Hopkins
Johns Hopkins University developed the following self-test for identifying alcoholism and addiction. Please answer the questions as honestly as possible.

  1. Do you lose time from work due to drinking or drug use?
  2. Is drinking or drug use making your home life unhappy?
  3. Do you drink or use drugs because you are shy with other people?
  4. Is drinking or drug use affecting your reputation?
  5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking or drug use?
  6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking or drug use?
  7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking or using drugs?
  8. Does your drinking or drug use make you careless of your family’s welfare?
  9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking or using drugs?
  10. Do you crave a drink or a drug at a definite time daily?
  11. Do you want a drink or drug the next morning?
  12. Does your drinking or drug use cause you to have difficulties in sleeping?
  13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking or using drugs?
  14. Is your drinking or drug use jeopardizing your job or business?
  15. Do you drink or use drugs to escape from worries or troubles?
  16. Do you drink or use drugs alone?
  17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory?
  18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking or drug use?
  19. Do you drink or use drugs to build your self-confidence?
  20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking or drug use?

If you answered “yes” to 3 questions, it suggests you probably have a drinking or drug problem.
If you answered “yes” to 4-7 questions, it suggests you may be in an early stage of alcoholism or drug addiction.
If you answered “yes” to 7-10 questions, it suggests you may be in the second stage of alcoholism or drug addiction.
If you answered “yes” to more than 10 questions, it suggests you may be in end-stage alcoholism or drug addiction.

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Alcoholism Among Teens and 20-somethings


Alcoholism in America remains in the closet in spite of its acceptance by the medical community as a disease. And since this disease is listed as a mental disorder, it is doubly stigmatized. Worse, most people have no idea what it takes to be an alcoholic. Most see alcoholics in their mind as a person who lives on the street, is unemployed and who is at least 40 years old. In truth, none of those generalizations is truthful.

Few people ever think of someone in the 12 to 25 age group as being alcoholics. According to the National Institute of Health, people from age 12 to 18 reported 3.4% are heavy drinkers. For college students 18 – 22 reported 12.5% are heavy drinkers and binge drinking is 3 to 4 times the afore listed rates.
Because alcoholism is a mental disorder those in the age group described above are least likely to believe they are an alcoholic. Here are some of the common reasons given by 12 to 25-year-olds for why they are not an alcoholic:

• I’m too young
• I don’t drink every day
• I can stop anytime
• I’m doing all right in school
• I’ve never gotten a DUI
• I’ve only blacked out a couple of times

Chief among the reason for not being an alcoholic is age. There is a perception that to become an alcoholic takes many years of heavy drinking, drinking every day, and being at least 40. But in truth, if you drink because it makes you feel good, because it gets rid of bad feelings, because everyone your age is doing it and because it allows you to be more social are all indicators that you might have a drinking problem.

What follows is the Johns Hopkins University test for being an alcoholic. Go through these and see how many apply to you.
1 Have you lost time from your work because of your drinking?
2 Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
3 Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
4 Is drinking affecting your reputation?
5 Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
6 Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?
7 Do you turn to lower companions or environment when drinking?
8 Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?
9 Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
10 Do you want a drink the next morning?
11 Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
12 Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13 Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
14 Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
15 Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?
16 Do you drink alone?
17 Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
18 Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
19 Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
20 Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

You need only have answered yes to 3 of these questions to most likely be an alcoholic.

For the young person, questions 15 to 19 are probably the most telling and most likely to have said “yes” to. Answering yes to even one of these questions suggests an underlying problem.
Being an alcoholic is as much a why question as it is a how much question. That is, if you drink because you are feeling depressed, because you cannot be social otherwise, or because you have some really negative feelings, then you have a drinking problem. You have nothing to lose by deciding you have a drinking problem you cannot fix. Help is everywhere in the form of Alcoholics Anonymous.

The good news for young people is that there are thousands just like you out there. And even better, if you live near a city, there most likely are meetings for you. They are called “Young People Meetings.” And within these groups, you will find a secondary group that refers to itself as “never had a legal drink.” And the really good news is, within each meeting you go to you will find someone else who has exactly the same problem as you who have found a solution to that problem, and others. You need only ask, and they will tell you how they did it.

It does not matter if there are no young people’s meetings near you, the regular AA meeting will help you more than you can imagine. The first step is in saying that you have a problem you cannot resolve. Take that problem to a meeting and in time it will be resolved.

For more information please visit Alcoholics Anonymous’ Internet site at:

http://www.aa.org.

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At Home with Alcoholics Anonymous as Told by Robert Frost


As far as I know, Robert Frost was not an alcoholic.  When it comes to poetry, I am a true philistine but Robert Frost speaks to me, I get him.  One of his poems could easily be adopted by AA as its signature piece.  The name of the poem it “The Death of the Hired Man” and it follows here.  In there you will find he says,  “Home is the place where, when you have to go there, They have to take you in.”

That is an absolute truth about all AA meetings.  I welcome you home.

The Death of the Hired Man

By Robert Frost 1874–1963 Robert Frost

Mary sat musing on the lamp-flame at the table
Waiting for Warren. When she heard his step,
She ran on tip-toe down the darkened passage
To meet him in the doorway with the news
And put him on his guard. ‘Silas is back.’
She pushed him outward with her through the door
And shut it after her. ‘Be kind,’ she said.
She took the market things from Warren’s arms
And set them on the porch, then drew him down
To sit beside her on the wooden steps.
‘When was I ever anything but kind to him?
But I’ll not have the fellow back,’ he said.
‘I told him so last haying, didn’t I?
If he left then, I said, that ended it.
What good is he? Who else will harbor him
At his age for the little he can do?
What help he is there’s no depending on.
Off he goes always when I need him most.
He thinks he ought to earn a little pay,
Enough at least to buy tobacco with,
So he won’t have to beg and be beholden.
“All right,” I say, “I can’t afford to pay
Any fixed wages, though I wish I could.”
“Someone else can.” “Then someone else will have to.”
I shouldn’t mind his bettering himself
If that was what it was. You can be certain,
When he begins like that, there’s someone at him
Trying to coax him off with pocket-money,—
In haying time, when any help is scarce.
In winter he comes back to us. I’m done.’
‘Sh! not so loud: he’ll hear you,’ Mary said.
‘I want him to: he’ll have to soon or late.’
‘He’s worn out. He’s asleep beside the stove.
When I came up from Rowe’s I found him here,
Huddled against the barn-door fast asleep,
A miserable sight, and frightening, too—
You needn’t smile—I didn’t recognize him—
I wasn’t looking for him—and he’s changed.
Wait till you see.’
                          ‘Where did you say he’d been?’
‘He didn’t say. I dragged him to the house,
And gave him tea and tried to make him smoke.
I tried to make him talk about his travels.
Nothing would do: he just kept nodding off.’
‘What did he say? Did he say anything?’
‘But little.’
                ‘Anything? Mary, confess
He said he’d come to ditch the meadow for me.’
‘Warren!’
              ‘But did he? I just want to know.’
‘Of course he did. What would you have him say?
Surely you wouldn’t grudge the poor old man
Some humble way to save his self-respect.
He added, if you really care to know,
He meant to clear the upper pasture, too.
That sounds like something you have heard before?
Warren, I wish you could have heard the way
He jumbled everything. I stopped to look
Two or three times—he made me feel so queer—
To see if he was talking in his sleep.
He ran on Harold Wilson—you remember—
The boy you had in haying four years since.
He’s finished school, and teaching in his college.
Silas declares you’ll have to get him back.
He says they two will make a team for work:
Between them they will lay this farm as smooth!
The way he mixed that in with other things.
He thinks young Wilson a likely lad, though daft
On education—you know how they fought
All through July under the blazing sun,
Silas up on the cart to build the load,
Harold along beside to pitch it on.’
‘Yes, I took care to keep well out of earshot.’
‘Well, those days trouble Silas like a dream.
You wouldn’t think they would. How some things linger!
Harold’s young college boy’s assurance piqued him.
After so many years he still keeps finding
Good arguments he sees he might have used.
I sympathize. I know just how it feels
To think of the right thing to say too late.
Harold’s associated in his mind with Latin.
He asked me what I thought of Harold’s saying
He studied Latin like the violin
Because he liked it—that an argument!
He said he couldn’t make the boy believe
He could find water with a hazel prong—
Which showed how much good school had ever done him.
He wanted to go over that. But most of all
He thinks if he could have another chance
To teach him how to build a load of hay—’
‘I know, that’s Silas’ one accomplishment.
He bundles every forkful in its place,
And tags and numbers it for future reference,
So he can find and easily dislodge it
In the unloading. Silas does that well.
He takes it out in bunches like big birds’ nests.
You never see him standing on the hay
He’s trying to lift, straining to lift himself.’
‘He thinks if he could teach him that, he’d be
Some good perhaps to someone in the world.
He hates to see a boy the fool of books.
Poor Silas, so concerned for other folk,
And nothing to look backward to with pride,
And nothing to look forward to with hope,
So now and never any different.’
Part of a moon was falling down the west,
Dragging the whole sky with it to the hills.
Its light poured softly in her lap. She saw it
And spread her apron to it. She put out her hand
Among the harp-like morning-glory strings,
Taut with the dew from garden bed to eaves,
As if she played unheard some tenderness
That wrought on him beside her in the night.
‘Warren,’ she said, ‘he has come home to die:
You needn’t be afraid he’ll leave you this time.’
‘Home,’ he mocked gently.
                                       ‘Yes, what else but home?
It all depends on what you mean by home.
Of course he’s nothing to us, any more
Than was the hound that came a stranger to us
Out of the woods, worn out upon the trail.’
‘Home is the place where, when you have to go there,
They have to take you in.’
                                      ‘I should have called it
Something you somehow haven’t to deserve.’
Warren leaned out and took a step or two,
Picked up a little stick, and brought it back
And broke it in his hand and tossed it by.
‘Silas has better claim on us you think
Than on his brother? Thirteen little miles
As the road winds would bring him to his door.
Silas has walked that far no doubt today.
Why didn’t he go there? His brother’s rich,
A somebody—director in the bank.’
‘He never told us that.’
                                  ‘We know it though.’
‘I think his brother ought to help, of course.
I’ll see to that if there is need. He ought of right
To take him in, and might be willing to—
He may be better than appearances.
But have some pity on Silas. Do you think
If he’d had any pride in claiming kin
Or anything he looked for from his brother,
He’d keep so still about him all this time?’
‘I wonder what’s between them.’
                                                ‘I can tell you.
Silas is what he is—we wouldn’t mind him—
But just the kind that kinsfolk can’t abide.
He never did a thing so very bad.
He don’t know why he isn’t quite as good
As anyone. Worthless though he is,
He won’t be made ashamed to please his brother.’
‘I can’t think Si ever hurt anyone.’
‘No, but he hurt my heart the way he lay
And rolled his old head on that sharp-edged chair-back.
He wouldn’t let me put him on the lounge.
You must go in and see what you can do.
I made the bed up for him there tonight.
You’ll be surprised at him—how much he’s broken.
His working days are done; I’m sure of it.’
‘I’d not be in a hurry to say that.’
‘I haven’t been. Go, look, see for yourself.
But, Warren, please remember how it is:
He’s come to help you ditch the meadow.
He has a plan. You mustn’t laugh at him.
He may not speak of it, and then he may.
I’ll sit and see if that small sailing cloud
Will hit or miss the moon.’
                                      It hit the moon.
Then there were three there, making a dim row,
The moon, the little silver cloud, and she.
Warren returned—too soon, it seemed to her,
Slipped to her side, caught up her hand and waited.
‘Warren,’ she questioned.
                                     ‘Dead,’ was all he answered.
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I’m Only 25! How Can I Be an Alcoholic?


Alcoholism is a disease. Alcoholism is a disorder. There are two camps of thought on this be regardless of which you chose, alcoholism is a problem that no one disputes, except the alcoholic of course. The NIH has 11 criteria for alcoholism only two of which need be present:

  • Had times when you ended up drinking more, or longer than you intended?
  • More than once wanted to cut down or stop drinking, or tried to, but couldn’t?
  • Spent a lot of time drinking? Or being sick or getting over the aftereffects?
  • Experienced craving — a strong need, or urge, to drink?
  • Found that drinking — or being sick from drinking — often interfered with taking care of your home or family? Or caused job troubles? Or school problems?
  • Continued to drink even though it was causing trouble with your family or friends?
  • Given up or cut back on activities that were important or interesting to you, or gave you pleasure, in order to drink?
  • More than once gotten into situations while or after drinking that increased your chances of getting hurt (such as driving, swimming, using machinery, walking in a dangerous area, or having unsafe sex)?
  • Continued to drink even though it was making you feel depressed or anxious or adding to another health problem? Or after having had a memory blackout?
  • Had to drink much more than you once did to get the effect you want? Or found that your usual number of drinks had much less effect than before?
  • Found that when the effects of alcohol were wearing off, you had withdrawal symptoms, such as trouble sleeping, shakiness, irritability, anxiety, depression, restlessness, nausea, or sweating? Or sensed things that were not there?But I am speaking specifically to those of you in your teens and 20s. The common refrain is: “But I’m on 25, how can I be an alcoholic?” Because 2 of the examples above are present.

Still not convinced? Okay, years ago Johns Hopkins University came up with 20 questions for those who doubt or think they might have a problem with drinking:

Now remember, you need only identify with 2 of the above to be an alcoholic.

  1. Do you lose time from work due to your drinking?
  2. Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
  3. Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
  4. Is drinking affecting your reputation?
  5. Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
  6. Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of your drinking?
  7. Do you turn to lower companions and an inferior environment when drinking?
  8. Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?
  9. Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
  10. Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
  11. Do you want a drink the next morning?
  12. Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
  13. Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
  14. Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
  15. Do you drink to escape from worries or troubles?
  16. Do you drink alone?
  17. Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of your drinking?
  18. Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
  19. Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
  20. Have you ever been in a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

And here is what they say if you respond in the positive to any of these questions:

“If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.

If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.”

I answered “yes” to 11 of them. But still I did not believe because I was never an everyday drinker. I seldom got drunk. I lost only one job because of drinking. I was never arrested for DUI, nor even stopped. And when I joined AA, I had held the same job for 10 years, always showed up on time and did my job. So how could I be an alcoholic?

Because I, in a moment of honesty, answered yes to 11 of the questions above. Because I was in desperate straits and thought I was on the cusp of total destruction. Because I had almost no friends, my family desired I say away from them and I was a wreck. Anyone who observed me could easily have made the comment “you’re a wreck! You need help!” without ever seeing me take a single drink.

Well, let’s go back to my 25-year-old. First of all, alcoholism does not care what age you are, what your financial standing is, how smart you are, what race you are, what religion you are, or anything else you can think of which would preclude you from being an alcoholic. It simply, like any disease, does not care. Physicians and health care providers are at a loss to predict when any one person will cross that line from being a non-alcoholic to being an alcoholic. But they do know, once you become one, you are always one.

I have been in Alcoholics Anonymous for over 17 years now. But when I had been in A.A. for fewer than 90 days I saw a teenage girl of 15 getting her one-year sober medallion. Age is irrelevant. Alcoholism is so prevalent among teens and 20-somethings in our society, that with A.A. there exist hundreds of meeting referred to as “young peoples meetings.” I went to one once, was invited, and there was a room of about 30 or so young people in attendance. Each had stopped fighting the idea that they had a problem with alcohol. Each had made an honest assessment of their life up to that point and saw that denial of the obvious was a hopeless battle.

Today, five days a week, I go to a meeting in Boston in which there are usually about 6 people under 30. One just turned 20.

It is extremely difficult for a young person to believe that they can possibly be an alcoholic, particularly when they see all their friends “partying” and drinking to their heart’s desire. But the question cannot be about what they are doing and why. It necessarily must be about you and why you are drinking. When I first started drinking I was 19. A late comer who did all he could do to make up for lost time. But more importantly, I wanted to be a person who could party, comfortably. I had no self-confidence that I, as a sober person, could possibly have fun at a party. I would be too shy, too withdrawn, too something to enjoy myself. And so, like when I got a headache and took some aspirin, when I was going to a party I made certain that I drank prior to arriving. Alcohol was medication to me, and it worked! Oh yes, it did indeed work. I had a good old time. But I failed to ask the question, at what expense? I failed to see people inching away from a drunk, me, who was making a fool of himself. I failed to see, even more importantly, that I was using alcohol as an anesthetic to cover over my underlying problems. My shyness was the result of something. My social awkwardness was the result of something, my inability to enjoy myself sober at a party was the result of something. The non-alcoholic addresses those issues and others straight on. The alcoholic decides that there is nothing quite like a good numbing agent.

There is a ton of bad logic in alcoholic thinking. Most importantly, the alcoholic convinces himself through drinking that he can do something he might otherwise think impossible. The bad logic there is simple: sober people who try something and fail either go right back at it again or seek out help in overcoming their problem.

So here we are. If you are still reading this, you are probably struggling with the possibility that you might have a problem with alcohol. I will give you an easy way out. Find an A.A. meeting in your area. They’re everywhere and you can usually find a phone number in the phone book of an A.A. help line. If you cannot, contact me and I guarantee I will find you not one, but a dozen meetings so that you will have choices. And once you attend that first meeting, if you cannot say the words “I am an alcoholic” then simply say “Hi, my name is Joe, and I don’t want to drink today.” That phrase is accepted in AA everywhere around the world.

But go to the meeting with a purpose beyond just seeing what it is all about. Go there with the idea of finding someone who you identify with who you can talk with after the meeting to help you with your decisions.

Now, I have a challenge for you. Imagine that for Lent this year, it starts February 10, you gave up alcohol. Lent only last for 40 days so that should be an easy task. Now here’s the curve ball, you know for fact that on February 13, just 3 days into Lent, there is going to be this huge Valentine’s Day party at which you know there is going to be a ton of alcohol. How likely is it you can attend that even and limit yourself to drinks which contain no alcohol? Oh, and for the record, those drinks which call themselves “non-alcoholic beer” and others like it, contain alcohol. They can claim to be non-alcoholic because they contain 0.5% by volume of alcohol. Therefore, you would be not allowed to drink such drinks either. The non-alcoholic finds such a task laughable because they feel no need. When the non-alcoholic takes on the job of designated driver, she is quite content with drinking coke, juice or even just water. It does not have any impact upon how much fun she will have.

One of the great lies alcoholics tell themselves and anyone who will listen is, “I can stop anytime!” But the truth is they cannot. The police love hearing “I only had two bears” when they stop the obvious intoxicated driver. You see, the “I only had two beers” is an incomplete sentence. The full sentence goes, “I only had two beers when I stopped counting.”

There is no shame in deciding you are an alcoholic. They only shame is denying the obvious or at least the possible. There is no down side to never taking a drink again. If a sober person were told by his doctor that he has this rare genetic condition which will cause death if that person continues to drink. For an instant the sober person might think, “well that sucks,” but to the doctor he will say, “okay” and with the knowledge that his life is in the balance will forever restrict himself from the use of alcohol. For the person who already is an alcoholic, the same is true, his life lies in the balance if the use of alcohol is not discontinued.

Years ago there was this young woman, Melanie, who was trying to get sober because she knew she needed to. But her participation in A.A. was sketchy at best. One day I received a text from her which read “please help me!” But before I could get to her she was dead. Alcoholism. Four years ago there was another young lady I knew because of AA. She came from an upper middle class family who loved her. She was a graduate from an Ivy League college, a Navy veteran, an extremely popular person with everyone who knew her, she was quite athletic and beautiful to boot! She had it all, that is, until January 7 when she decided at age 31 she still hand another round of drinks in her. Turns out she did not. She is dead.

Medicine is a science within which there is a lot of guessing. It is not that the doctors are all incompetent or inept, but that where every person’s physical makeup is different, so too is their ability to tolerate disease. The only known treatment for alcoholism is total abstinence. That works every time. And once free of alcohol, the individual will sudden find he has time to deal with all the problems which caused him to drink. He will find out through the social interactions with AA that his worries, his shortcomings, his disabilities are very common and that the AA member is usually more than happy to talk about how they overcame those issues without having to use alcohol.

If alcohol is the answer, then it is a sure thing you do not know or understand the question because alcohol is never the answer to anything.

Oh, by the way, AA meetings are not overwhelming older men wearing trench coats or people who are homeless or living in shelters. To the contrary, such a person is the except in meetings. My daily meeting is full of professionals, doctors, lawyers, financial analysts, psychologists, teachers, professors, brick layers, iron workers, policemen, and just about any other profession you can think of. The average meeting is not filled with people over the age of 50. Most meetings have significant numbers of people in the 30s and 40s, not to mentions those in their teens and 20s.

The young person who comes to Alcoholics Anonymous and stays invariably tells the story of the many “miracles” he, or she, has experienced since becoming a sober person. Their wildest dreams have come true and then some. The “and then some” are those wonderful things they experience which had not crossed their mind when they were simply trying to get and stay sober.

The AA Promises

“1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed

before we are half way through.

  1. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
  2. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
  3. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
  4. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience

can benefit others.

  1. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
  2. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
  3. Self-seeking will slip away.
  4. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
  5. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
  6. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
  7. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for

ourselves

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us –

sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.”

Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84

 

Everyone who hangs around AA long enough and invests the time and energy needed to succeed, will tell you that not only do all those promise come true, but they come true to an even greater extent than initially imagined.

If you need help, the Alcoholics Anonymous World Service, located in New York has a web page at www.aa.org

If you want to ask me a question about anything feel free to contact me directly. My personal email account is: osgoodp@comcast.net

 

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Getting Sober in Your 20s — Part 2


Alcoholism and addiction are the diseases that will tell you that you do not have them.  The irony of the problem is that recovery from the disease does not require any expensive medication.  Still, it is a doctor who will absolutely confirm the diagnosis but the treatment, abstinence, seems somehow unacceptable to the individual in its clutches.  The rationalization that cutting back or controlling is all that is needed comes to the forefront.  But that is the lie the disease whispers into the ear of the afflicted.

Our society, to this day, is uncomfortable with the idea of alcoholism and addiction.  The picture that gets painted is one of old men who are either one step away from homelessness or already there as being the hallmark of most alcoholics.  And while it is true that those nearing homelessness and in its grips so frequently do suffer from the disease, the reality is that they make up only a very small percentage of all alcoholics in society today.  There is no such thing as being too young to be an alcoholic or too smart.  Alcoholics are frequently high functioning fully employed individuals.  It crosses all races, religions, nationalities, educational and socio-economic states.  It is sneaky, insidious and deadly.

The following are the 20 questions developed by Johns Hopkins University to help the individual with the identification of alcoholism.  Take a minute to read through them and see how many apply to you.

1    Have you lost time from your work because of your drinking?
2    Is drinking making your home life unhappy?
3    Do you drink because you are shy with other people?
4    Is drinking affecting your reputation?
5    Have you ever felt remorse after drinking?
6    Have you gotten into financial difficulties as a result of drinking?
7    Do you turn to lower companions or environment when drinking?
8    Does your drinking make you careless of your family’s welfare?
9    Has your ambition decreased since drinking?
10    Do you want a drink the next morning?
11    Do you crave a drink at a definite time daily?
12    Does drinking cause you to have difficulty in sleeping?
13    Has your efficiency decreased since drinking?
14    Is drinking jeopardizing your job or business?
15    Do you drink to escape from worries or trouble?
16    Do you drink alone?
17    Have you ever had a complete loss of memory as a result of drinking?
18    Has your physician ever treated you for drinking?
19    Do you drink to build up your self-confidence?
20    Have you ever been to a hospital or institution on account of drinking?

And their conclusion is: If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

Please remember, the above is the conclusion of experts in the field of alcoholism and addiction.

Below are 5 video which were created by Alcoholics Anonymous.  In the videos you will hear from people under 30 who will tell you about their alcoholism, what it looked liked, what happened, and what they have done.

Young People’s Videos

1. On the Beach Flash Player
2. Alcoholics Anonymous Flash Player
3. Young People’s Animation VideoFlash Player
4. 25 and Under New Flash Player
5. A Group of People Just Like Me New Flash Player

If you have more questions about alcoholism and Alcoholics anonymous follow this link:

www.aa.org

You should also feel free to contact me.

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A Tale of Susannah — Desperately Seeking Sanity


At 31 Susannah had it all.  She was beautiful, a tall woman with long naturally curly auburn hair, beautiful wide-set eyes, and a smile that immediately engaged anyone towards whom it was directed.  She had graduated from Wellesley College magna cum laude and at the delicate age of 20.  From there she continued her education within the ivy covered walls of Harvard University.  She was not contented with being good.  At Harvard she had become editor of the law review after a summer clerking for a justice at the Massachusetts Supreme Court.  And at the age of 23, on a particular hot day in early June, she joined 6500 other students in the Harvard Yard to receive her doctor of jurisprudence.  And that, a day that should have been the culmination of her greatest success, seemed, at least to Susannah, a sad day, if not a failure of a day.

That early Thursday morning as she and her fellow law students gathered in one of the law buildings, started as a grand day for Susannah.  Her mother had promised to phone her as soon as she and her father found their seats with the other 10,000 guests who crowded the college’s gates at 7 that morning.  It was just before 8 and her mother had no yet called so Susannah called her.  After her mother answered, and when they had briefly chatted, Susannah had asked her mother to put “daddy” on.  Her mother went quiet, mumbled a bit, and then told Susannah that her father had “not been able to make it.”

It was at that moment Susannah questioned her entire life up to that moment.  She had spent her entire life thus far desperately trying to please her father.  He had always said how proud he was of her.  She thought back to how he had seldom been able to attend her basketball games when she was in high school, how he had been suddenly “called away” when she had graduated from both high school and Wellesley, and now this.  Her first instinct was to say “screw this” and leave the ceremony even before it started.   But she did love her mother and even as angry as she was with her father, she would not spoil the day for her mother.

But at that moment Susannah took mental leave from the morning’s ceremonies.  She did not hear Harvard’s president’s message or that of any of the other speakers of the day.  Instead she formulated a plan for her immediate future.  She had been offered, and accepted, a position as an associate at the 2nd largest law firm in New York.  Before 9 that morning she not only no longer wanted the position, she despised the idea of working for corporate America at any level.  But at her father’s insistence she had considered her future using that track and her personal doubts not withstanding, she knew she could succeed in that culture.  But it had not been what she wanted.  It was what her father wanted, and now all that was counterfeit.

It was Thursday, that graduation day, and Susannah promised herself that by the end of the next day she would not only resign her position in New York, but she would find a suitable replacement in Boston.  She decided that the suitable replacement job would be at the public defender’s office.  And that is exactly what she did.  The woman who ran the PD’s office, after a quick review of Susannah’s credentials and the incredulity she felt about Susannah’s seriousness for wanting the job, took her on, happily.

Her first year in the practice of law saw her succeed far beyond what her employer could have hoped.  In the process, Susannah had ingratiated herself to all she came in contact with.  Her boss had on any number of occasions suggested she talk to the partners who visited the sparse PD’s office seeking to hire Susannah away.  But she rebuffed all advances, never accepting a single interview, and seldom even seeing the partner who had ventured to see her.  She claimed, though her boss assured her she was wrong, that the hours for the PD’s office were far friendlier than any could expect at a top law firm.  And certainly there was far less pressure in the job.  Susannah obstinanancy became legendary in both her office and the legal community.  And not just because of her resisting being recruited, but her dogged determination before the bar.  She was oft heard to say that failure was unacceptable, never allowing that it was in fact inevitable.

On this morning, some eight years later, as Susannah awoke in her bed, and after she noticed the throbbing headache, she wondered, for the millionth time, why she was not happy.  She came from a well-to-do family that, at least on the outside, looked like they had it all.  She knew she was a pretty woman, although she doubted any man who described her as gorgeous, which she found curious at the regularity that such compliments happened.  She had long ago decided that such men wanted one thing and one thing only.  She knew they did not desire her for her mind.  And to that end, she had long ago decided that the only men she would go out with would be the ones she chose and never ones who chose her.

At that moment it hit her.  She needed a job, and that was the plan for the day, to find a new position.  She remembered how her job at the PD’s office had ended badly when she had failed to show at a 9AM bail hearing.  The defendant, a man who her boss felt had a strong case, had been remanded to jail and denied bail.  Susannah had apologized profusely to her boss explaining that an emergency the night before had kept her up quite late and she had slept through her alarm.  It was not a true story, but it was the best she could come up with at the moment.  Her boss, however, having heard one too many such excuses over the years, asked Susannah that she clean out her office that day.

Susannah had recovered well from that setback, she thought, as she landed a new job that same day at a fairly large law firm that specialized in tort claims.  When friends heard of this new job the questioned her working for an “ambulance chaser” but Susannah had vigorously defended the position noting that everyone was entitled to protection from unscrupulous insurance companies, companies who denied their employees worker’s compensation for disabilities incurred on the job.  She lasted there a little over two years and left, she always laughed to herself about this, when the firm refused to pay her disability after she had injured herself at the office one day, and tore her ACL in the process which kept her laid up for over a month.  The firm had let her go “for cause,” they said.   And while Susannah had admitted to having had a drink with her lunch that day, she categorically denied that she had been gone for nearly two hours and had returned to the office drunk.  But upon the advice of “her attorney,” she did not press or pursue the issue.

That had been her last job as a lawyer, and that had been almost two years ago.  She told her friends that the bad economy affected lawyers just like any other field, and that she was actively pursuing a promising job at a prestigious firm.  The truth was, there was no firm.  There were not even any prospects.  She was at present employed as a waitress at the Four Seasons Hotel restaurant in Boston’s posh Back Bay., and that had been almost two years ago.  She told her friends that the bad economy affected lawyers just like any other field, and that she was actively pursuing a promising job at a prestigious firm.  The truth was, there was no firm.  There were not even any prospects.  She was at present employed as a waitress at the Four Seasons Hotel restaurant in Boston’s posh Back Bay.  When her friends question her about this job, she claimed that she was seriously considering a job as a chef, and that it was something she had long considered doing.  But she had also told them she had long considered becoming a legal consultant, a software developer for law firms, and fifteen other jobs all of which were plausible, given her intelligence and education, but none of which had ever been something she had truly considered, or even wanted.

As these and other thoughts raced through her mind, her headache racked mind that morning, she tried to remember her plan for the day.  And when nothing came immediately to mind she rolled over to stroke her cat who invariably slept with her, only to find a man occupying the space her cat should have been in.  For a moment she could not for the life of her think of who this man was, and then she remember the night before, and in that memory came the reason for the horrendous headache.  She remembered the bar, the crush of other young people just like her, who were fully enjoying themselves.  She remembered going to the ladies room where she was startled to see a woman snorting a line of coke.  It had briefly shocked her, but she had not moved, and when the other woman took notice of her, had offered her a line of coke.  Susannah had never done cocaine but she had said to herself “what the hell” and tried it.  The tipsiness she had been feeling was immediately transformed into an alertness she loved.  And she had returned to the bar and renewed her effort to enjoy the evening and join in everyone’s festivities.  But she could not remember this man at that bar, or for that matter, ever having left the bar and what had happened afterward.

The thought immediately went through her mind, “never again!”  She promised herself right there and then that she would not drink that day and that she would hence force control her drinking so that incidents such as she was presently experiencing, would never again happen.  This was not the first time she had awakened next to such a man, nor the second or even the third, but she promised herself it absolutely would be the last.  She knew she was more than smart enough to overcome her present condition and all she had to do was resolve to herself to never drink like that again.  Or at least never touch cocaine again because, after all, that had been the agent that had allowed her to drink more than even she thought she could.

Susannah poked the man next to her.  She desperately wanted him out of her apartment.  He had been lying there with his back to her and when he turned towards her, she saw a man who was easily her father’s age.  At that moment she thought, “Oh God, not again.”  But her greatest surprise was yet to come.  When she asked the man to leave so she could start her day, he had informed her that she was in his apartment and any leaving that must be done would be on her part.  And that was followed by the information that not only was she not in Boston, but she was actually in one of the remote suburbs and the man had said he could not possibly take her back into town as he had to get to work himself.

It took seven phone calls to various friends before she found someone who was willing, though not happy, to retrieve her from her inconvenience.  On the drive home her friend, Sarah, had suggested to Susannah that she might have a drinking problem and that she might consider attending a 12 step meeting.  But Susannah had assured Sarah that she did not have any sort of a drinking problem, that she could stop anytime she wanted, and besides, she was just 31 years old and everyone knew you cannot be an alcoholic at so tender an age.

As soon as she got home Susannah surveyed her apartment.  Sure it was a studio apartment in Boston’s South End but it was “nice.”  What is lacked for direct sun light it more than made up for in character.  After she had showered she decided to make a plan to find a job that day, or within the week at least, that was worthy of her extensive talents.  Yes, she told herself, she did have extensive talents and any company would be lucky to have her.

As the morning turned to afternoon, a Susannah considered her lunch options as he looked over her refrigerator, she noted the half-full bottle of wine sitting next to the milk.

This time when Susannah woke up she immediately knew by the hardness of the bed that she was not in her apartment.  But when she turned over her relief that she was alone in the bed was immediately replaced by the stark realization of where she was, in a hospital bed.  It was at that moment that a nurse entered her room and said how nice it was that Susannah was awake as she had a number of questions for her.  It was the first question that most unnerved Susannah, however.  The nurse had inquired as to her name.  Noting Susannah confusion, the nurse explained that she had been brought into the emergency room without any sort of identification on her person.  She had wandered into the ER and had promptly collapsed.  She had remained unconscious since.

But then Susannah noted she was attached to an i.v. and a heart monitor and queried the nurse why this had been necessary.  The nurse related, to Susannah’s horror, that she had suffered heart failure.  She told Susannah, in an extremely matter-of-fact tone, that such things happened to alcoholics, even young ones.  Susannah responded by denying that she had any sort of an alcohol problem.  The nurse simply replied by telling Susannah to rest.

About an hour later the attending physician stopped by Susannah’s room to see how she was doing.  She suggested to Susannah that she might do well to go to a detox upon her discharge from the hospital.  This time when Susannah informed the doctor that she did not have a drinking problem she heard the doctor say words she found hard to believe.  The doctor, a woman about her own age, and certainly very good looking, informed Susannah that she was an alcoholic.  Susannah had responded by questioning how a young and obviously very successful doctor could possibly be an alcoholic.

The doctor had given, in Susannah’s mind, a most unacceptable response by saying that how she would be an alcoholic was irrelevant.  What was relevant was the fact that she could not drink in safety.  That when she took a single drink she never knew where that drink would lead.  But it was the final admission by the doctor that most surprised her.  The doctor related that not only had she suffered through a failed marriage because of her drinking, but that her license to practice medicine had been temporarily suspended and she had lost custody of her two children.

For Susannah, this was just the beginning but unfortunately it was not the end.

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Getting Sober In Your 20s


I have long thought about writing on this subject but have been reticent about “outing” myself.  But that has changed.  In January of this year, 2012, a young woman who I was friends with lost her battle with alcohol and prescription medication.   A little bit about her:  She was 31 years old at the time of her death.  I had known her for 3 years at that time and we had become close, closer than I even knew.  She came from a good family of substantial means.  She was a Yale graduate and a navy veteran.  She was tall, lean, well-liked, and by all outward appearances, in great health.  She was very athletic, able to run a marathon.  But in the end, all that was simply window dressing to a serious problem.

I have been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for almost 14 years now.  I could easily have convinced myself that I did not have a problem with alcohol as I was never an everyday drinker, I had a job that I had held for a long time, and by all outward appearance, I was doing pretty well.  That just was not the case.  My inner turmoil was tremendous and had been that way since I was a teenager.  Whenever I felt an unpleasant emotion or unpleasant situation descending upon me, I would use alcohol at a means to blunt those feelings.  I also used the excuse of drinking to be “more socialable.”  And I really believed that was true!  But the truth was, I was failing to deal with my fears by covering them up which allowed me to do things that scared me.   That is, by any stretch of the imagination, not a healthy way to deal with problems.  In point of fact, it only serves to make the problems worse.

When I stopped drinking my only reason was to gain peace and sanity, neither of wich I had.  I did not believe I had an alcohol problem, but if the Alcoholics Anonymous program would help me with a legion of other problems I had, I would do it.  Fourteen years later I can say that regardless of what I believed all those years ago, my life today is fabulous because I made a commitment to stop drinking and to closely adhere to this 12-step program.   For as much as I hated life back then, I love it now.

My young friend who died early this year had a future as bright as anyone could want.  But I firmly believe she had some inner demons that kept dragging her down.  And within those demons was one in particular that told her that because she was so young and so healthy she could have another drink.  But that was the big lie.  For whatever reason, her last drink killed her.  And the truth is, it did not have to be that way.

I remember my 20s.  I was drinking hard and it never occurred to me that I either had a problem or that my drinking could have killed me.  It was not that I felt invincable, but that I refused to consider my actions as being all that dangerous to my own health and welfare.  Worse, it never occurred to me that it was having a hugely negative effect upon those people in my life, but it did.

I see young people coming into Alcoholics Anonymous all the time, as young as 17 I have seen.  It is extremely difficult for those people to believe that it would be best if they never took another drink.  Their concept of drinking is that it is something everyone does and that they are going to be just fine.  They cannot imagine being out with their friends who are drinking and not drinking themselves.  They are victims to peer pressure and their own faulty thinking.

Here is something to consider.  Have you ever made the statement, even to just yourself, that you need a drink or that you have to have a drink?  Most people would have to honestly answer that question with a “yes.”  The follow-up question necessarily has to be “why?”   Almost without exception, if a person is being entirely honest, the answer is going to come along the lines of having to deal with uncomfortable feelings or situations.  And then the honest person must ask themself how taking a drink is going to help that situation.  And the honest answer is, it will not!  The strong sober person deals with those feelings and situations head-on, without feeling it necessary to anaesthetizing themself.   They will actually view taking a drink as getting in the way of good progress.

Webster’s Dictionary defines sober as “straightforward: serious; plain or subdued; devoid of frivolity, exaggeration, or speculative imagination.”  I particularly like that last definition because it harkens unto “magical thinking.”  That is, the belief that if I take a drink I will somehow be better at something.   That, of course, is totally illogical, but that is also very common thinking.  Everyone does it but it is never right.

People in their 20s, the “Gen-Y” people, are prone to this magical thinking mostly because they lack the experience of life to tell them that the truth lies somewhere else.  It is not their fault.  It is just something every person must go through.  It is really easy for a person in their 20s to deny that they have any problem with alcohol because, as the thinking goes, they are too young to have such a problem.  That, of course, is pure b.s.  A problem drink is any drink that is taken in lieu of something else.

Anther thing, while people in their 20s and 30s may not believe they are immortal, they usually believe they have a lot of time in front of them and that they need not concern themselves with some of their immediate problems.  That somehow, those problems will work themselves out or that they will simply grow out of them or that they are just going through a phase.  All of this happens when anyone, regardless of age, is in denial about their root problems.

I feel certain my friend who died was in denial about her vulnerability to her problems with alcohol.  I think everyone uses denial at some time in their life, if not frequently, because a problem or situation feels overwhelming and that somehow, by denying the problem, it will eventually go away or fix itself.  From my own personal experience, I can tell you absolutely that this is just a big lie we tell ourselves. It is never ever true.

To those people who are in their 20s and 30s I ask that you consider if you have ever wondered if you have a drinking problem, or if it has ever been suggested that you might have one, that you take that extremely seriously.  Consider if a doctor suggested you might have skin cancer, would you ignore that in the hope that it would just go away?   Of course not!  Problem drinking is a medical problem in exactly the same way.  It is also, by definition, a spiritual problem.   I promise that those of you in your 20s and 30s, if you were to go to an alcoholics anonymous meeting you will not be in the presence of a bunch of old people who are one step removed from homelessness, although such people certainly attend such meetings.  In fact, you will find there is an entire portion of Alcoholics Anonymous devoted to young people that includes meetings that are mostly attended by young people.  There is a whole group of young people in Alcoholics Anonymous who refer to themselves as “never having had a legal drink,” and yet they have stayed away from alcohol for many years.

If you think you have a problem and want more information, feel free to contact me via email here, or, you can always find a central office of Alcoholics Anonymous listed in phone books and on the Internet regardless of where you live.

My hope in posting this it that it will give pause to young people to at least consider how they drink.  Even the slightest suspicion is worthy of attention.

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Required Feelings


There was a time when someone asked me how long I had felt depressed, I would answer, “I have never known a time when I was not depressed.”  That depression came from a few sources.  One was fear and the other was an inability to deal with my feelings.  Feelings are one of those things that have certain requirements that come with them, but if you do not know what those requirements are, you fail.  I know a lot of people who get negative feelings of some sort respond to those feelings by taking a drink.  I was one of those people.  I knew that when I felt badly I could cover up those feelings by having a drink, or two, or three.

There is a problem to actively avoiding feelings, they are cumulative.  That is, each feeling that is covered up remains with you even if submerged.  They continue to accumulate waiting to be dealt with and released.  In my case more feelings meant more alcohol or pills.  And every time a new and negative feeling arose I covered it up with a drink.  I did not know how to honestly deal with my feelings.

One of the feelings I had that bothered me was a simmering anger.  There was a lot that had happened to me in my childhood and as a young adult that made me feel resentful and angry.  But my inability to deal with those issues in an honest and straightforward manner made me feel worse and worse.  It also made me dishonest.  Whenever someone offered to help I rejected the help because I was too ashamed with what I was feeling to express it and rid myself of it.   One of the things I feared the most, losing friends and family, happened anyway.  My own daughters felt rightfully estranged from me.  I needed a solution but I was clueless as to what it could be.

One day someone suggested I had a problem with alcohol.  My response was that I could control my drinking.  I could stop whenever I wanted.  Of course that was all part of the big lie I told myself so that I believed I had some sort of control of myself.  The truth was, I was totally not in control of my life.  I did not have a clue of how to be happy with myself.  Hell, I hated myself and told myself such regularly.  I resented my mother, my sister, and a whole host of other people.  What I failed to realize was all that resentment was simply my seeing myself and hating what I saw.

I was taken to a meeting of Alcoholics Anonymous, still not believing I had a problem with alcohol.  I heard this promise in one of those meetings that my life would change more dramatically for the good than I could either imagine or hope for.  Of course I did not believe all those good things would happen to me but since I did not have any ideas of my own I decided to stick around and see if things could get better.

One of the first things that happened to me was I gained friends, lots of them, quickly.  I liked these people but they consistently told me that I had to be totally honest with myself and everyone else if I wanted to be truly happy.  It took me well over a year to accept that I had a problem with alcohol but in that year my life changed dramatically.  I finally had a plan for success that was working, and even though I was  not anywhere near where I wanted to be, for the first time in my life I had hope.

I promised myself that I was going to get honest about everything regardless of what it cost me.  That meant dealing with feelings.  It had never occurred to me that negative feelings are a requirement of life.  That is, the only way to know how really good I can feel is to accept how truly badly I can feel as well.  That came out in spades about three months ago when a dear friend, who was a mere 31 years old, lost her battle with alcohol and died.  I felt miserable, and for quite some time too.  But I understood that I had to go straight through those negative feelings.  I would hurt myself by avoiding the negative feelings.  But I had arrived at a place where I realized, gratefully, that everyone feels these things, and the strong and truly happy people readily accept their feelings.

One of the things that separates we humans from the rest of the animal kingdom are these feelings we get.  But we must accept those feelings to live as happily as is possible.  When we feel mad we have to find a healthy way to express that feeling.  When we feel sad it is all right, and a good thing.  When sad we do not need to lie to people who ask us how we are doing.  Telling someone that we are not doing so well is all right, and actually quite healthy.  We have to accept that we are responsible for our feelings and that if someone rejects one of our feelings, that is all right too.  We have an absolute right to all of our feelings regardless of what anyone thinks.  Feelings are a requirement of the human condition.  What we do with those feelings is a matter of personal choice.  Today, I choose to deal with them in an honest and forthright manner.  I have a great 12-step program and over 13 years of sobriety to thank for that.  I also have a fabulous life today and a plan for my next 50 years of life.

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Are You Sober or Do You Just Think You Are?


During most of my adult life it never occurred to me that maybe I should be in Alcoholics Anonymous, and yet for over 13 years now I have been.  I did not get there via a detox, or an intervention.  I was not court ordered nor did it follow any incident after which I knew for a fact that I needed A.A.

What I had become expert at was denial of the obvious.  I was never a daily drinker.  I did lose one job because of drinking but otherwise I was fully functional.  No one ever suggested that I possibly had a drinking problem.  That was until July 3, 1998.  But I will get to that in a minute.

Until I joined the Army I was not a drinker nor had I ever gotten drunk.  I did love the taste of my father’s port sherry but I never stole any from him. I only took the sip offered and nothing more.  But from a young age when I first tasted it, I adored it.  I was in flight school at Fort Wolters Texas when I got drunk for the first time. I managed to drink myself into a blackout.  From then on, the next 30 years, I would drink for effect and that effect was to change how I was feeling.  I would binge.  And that is what my drinking career looked like.  I would drink for a while and then not drink for a while.  But I always drank as a means of self-medication.

On July 3, 1998 I was on the banks of the Charles River in Boston enjoying the day.  I had been sitting for a while with a friend talking and enjoying the day.  We got up to move on and after we had moved only a few feet I was overcome with the feeling that it was difficult to breathe.  My friend looked at me and told me I was ashen gray in color.  She offered to call an ambulance, suggesting it a very good idea.  I said I knew I could make it the short distance to Massachusetts General Hospital.  I made it but I was very fortunate.  It took every ounce of strength I had.  Once there it took the doctor examining me about 17 seconds to decide I was having a heart attack.  After he told me that he suggested I stop drinking and drugging.  I told him that I did not drink.  The truth was I had started drinking around 11 that day and had done a good deal of that.  I did not use drugs so that was not an issue.  But there it was.  Denial in the first degree.  It was not 24 hours later a cardiac surgeon had to do emergency surgery on me, that was a Saturday and a holiday, July 4.  He said I would not live if it was put off any longer.

Still, it was not until late October of that year that someone suggested I might want to try an A.A. meeting.  I did and the rest, as they say, is history.  My life truly sucked in October 1998 and I was certainly feeling the desperation for a change that I had no idea how to make.  I embraced the 12-step program because all my previous attempts to make things better had failed.  At that time I did not believe A.A. would actually help, nor did I believe I had a problem with alcohol, in spite of the fact that a certified physician had suggested that I did have a problem.

My life today is fabulous, in no small part due to my active participation in A.A. and my complete acceptance of its principles.  I have managed to turn around every thing that I viewed as negative.  I now view whether I had a drinking problem or not as being irrelevant.  I do know there is no down-side to not drinking, nor is there an up-side to taking a drink.  I am not going to mess with success.

The reason I am writing this is to hopefully get someone who reads it to do a self-assessment.  I have seen too many people struggle with the concept of whether or not they are an alcoholic only to die in the process.  Most recently I had a very dear friend die.  She was only 31 years old.  She was very athletically strong.  She was very smart, a Yale graduate.  She was a veteran having served as a Naval intelligence officer.  She came from a wealthy family so she did not want for money.  She had lots and lots of friends.  She also believed she had another drunk in her, but she was mistaken.  To look at her you would say, “no way she was an alcoholic.”  But she was.  Alcohol wanted her alone, and then it wanted her dead.  It got both.  The two pictures below are of her just before she died, January 6, 2012.

My point in bringing up someone who young is that age is irrelevant.  A person’s income, social status, education, and most other things are irrelevant.

People who do not have a drinking problem do not plan their next drink.  A person who does not have a drinking problem is unlikely to get a D.U.I.  A person who does not have a drinking problem does not lose family, friends, jobs, or anything else because they had a drink, or even a few drinks.  A person who does not have a drinking problem does not worry who sees them having a drink, nor do they hide their alcohol at home, nor do they lie about having a drink.  A person who does not have a drinking problem frequently has a problem remembering when they had their last drink.  A person who does not have a drinking problem does not see running out of beer or any other alcohol as a problem.

One of the biggest problems in any person’s life is their ability to deny the obvious.  People with alcohol problems are particularly good at it.  People with a drinking problem frequently try to shift blame for their own problems to other people, institutions, or things.  They are seldom interested in taking responsibility for their own actions.  They are someone who, when faced with a problem, decide they “need a drink.”  Whenever I hear someone say that, my ears perk up.  That is because I have the simple belief that no one “needs” a drink, ever, for any reason.  To the contrary, the well-adjusted, together person, wants to plow through the problem fully sober.  A drink only serves to muddle.

You do not have to drink every day to have a problem with alcohol.  You do not have to have been in jail as a result of drinking to have a problem.  You do not have to be homeless to have a problem.  Shortly after I stopped drinking I met a man who had a Harvard MBA, was a high-powered financier, and was getting ready to do some serious jail time which he admitted had been the result of his drinking.  Drinking never seems like a problem until it is.  And when it is denial comes to the rescue that permits the person to continue drinking.  Like any disease, untreated, it always gets worse.

I hope this makes an impression on someone who might be wondering about their drinking.  Feel free to contact me if you want more.  Better yet, go to an A.A. meeting, if only to gather information.  You have absolutely nothing to lose by doing so, and everything to gain.  If you do not know where meeting exist close to you, go to www.aa.org and you will find everything you need.