caring

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The Sucessful Relationship


A young friend of mine told me this morning that his fiancé moved in with him last week and that they are getting married in two weeks. They have been together for some time now so there in nothing rushed in what is happening. But he could not wonder what the future holds for him. His most basic question, one that many people struggle with, is “why me?” He wonders why she wants to spend a life with him. I told him it is because she really likes what she sees and that he gives her everything she wants. Now I have to admit that I speculated a bit on that point because I have never met his fiancé. But Adam is a really good guy and I believe my assumption to be a safe one.

He then asked me how long I have been with my wife. I embarrassingly had to stop and think about that for a second and decided that telling him how long we had been together was even more important.

My back story is one of too many failed relationships prior to the one I am in now. There are many reasons for those failed relationships and good deal, probably 90% or greater, are the result of my decision making. That decision making is more than just who I chose, but how I acted, what I said, what I did and a plethora of other things during those relationships. My failed relationships spanned from a few days to many years but finally I got my head out of my ass and took note of what I had done wrong. The things I had done wrong can be boiled down to a few basic truths: dishonesty, disloyalty, fear, doubt, and insecurity. And I can wrap all those things up by saying, I just did not know how to talk or to relate to people, not just women, but everyone.

I told Adam that probably the most important thing in a relationship has to be honesty. And that honesty has to start well before the marriage. This is where fear always crept into my psyche. I feared that if I was totally honest about what was going around in my head then certainly the woman I was with would go running for the hills. What I failed to do was consider that that might have been the relationship saver rather than killer.  The other relationship killer, absolutely, is resentment.  Resentment is the poison you drink while you wait for the other person to become ill.  But in truth resentment is simply the surfacing of our own shortcomings that we either deny or are unwilling to overcome.

I think we human beings have a natural amount of insecurity which shows up in our lives in a variety of ways. I feel badly for women because they are bombarded with the commercial world’s definition of beauty. They compare themselves to the reigning queens of beauty in music, on the silver screen and in the advertisements of the magazines they read. I can tell you from personal experience that I have known any number of women who were truly gorgeous on the outside and either hollow or some other negative characteristic to the core. Then I know a lot of people who are absolutely gorgeous. Most will never turn a head but what springs forth from them is a beautiful heart. True beauty is an inside job. Now this is not to say that physical attraction should not play a role in a good relationship, it does of course! But that can only be the start of things. There is a natural progression from that point that must happen.

I stated in an earlier post that you should marry your best friend. That is, this is the person you talk to freely and easily. The only time you edit your speech is to be politic about what you are saying without sacrificing honesty. Honesty is the bedrock of all good relationships. Partners who have been together a long time not only know their mate’s good qualities but also their shortcomings. All human beings develop a host of shortcomings. Those who desire to better themselves reduce or remove those shortcomings as much as possible. I like to use the common shortcoming of jealousy. I call it one of the two most useless feelings any person can have, the other be resentment. But I chose jealousy here because I firmly believe it can be entirely defeated. That is because I believe jealousy is a measurement of an individual’s insecurity. The secure man takes pride in other men admiring the woman he is with. In fact, if he could, he would invite it. He also does not worry that his wife is out with friends some of whom may be male. This is also the trust aspect of good relationships, you trust your mate no matter what.

I suggested to Adam that, if he had not already done so, he talk to his fiancé about his fears and his insecurities. I explained that everyone has them and anyone who claims they do not is a liar. Not only does your mate need to know such things so (s)he knows what is going on with you, but has the right to know such things. I think it an obligatory part of successful relationships.

To this Adam said he had always seen himself a “the rock” in the relationship. I asked him why since, as I explained, a rock never moves forward. I suggested he look at the relationship as mutually supportive as you move through life so that when one or the other has a weak moment you have all the support you need in your mate. They instinctively understand and are ready. They have you by your arm ready to hold you up when you stumble, which you will!

Society today in general seems to have a lot of trouble listening. When someone is explaining something to you not only is it polite to quietly listen until they are done, it is crucial to understanding one another. Some people just cannot seem to help themselves and interrupt the other person by talking over them before they are done. This has the effect of turning a nice discussion into a confrontational one. It is always best to hear the person out, take breath, literally, and then in considered terms, respond to what they have said. At the very least this shows respect for what has been said. That is particularly good when you find yourself in the position of having to disagree with what has been said. What is at work here is respectful consideration. People like to think what they say is of value but when they are interrupted it says just the opposite and who wants to be disrespected? In a marriage as soon as one party starts thinking the other does not respect them, it does not bode well for the future. It is then that questions of commitment and love also come into question.

I think it wise to take, at the very least, a mental snapshot of the person you are marrying or otherwise entering into a long term committed relationship. Remember the reasons that got you there, why you found that person so attractive. Those things you find attractive will not change much except in a positive direction. A good heart is always a good heart, it does not change. A kind, caring, considerate, deeply committed and honest person also does not change and those are the qualities that take you through the years. Outer beauty fades, sex drive fades, and energy level fades among other things. But that is to be expected and that happens the successful relationship realizes that just being with that other person makes their day. Their love is shown in a thousand other ways and even though they feel extremely comfortable in the relationship, they have also committed themselves to always working on it. But when everything and everyone else seems to fail us, we can count on our loved one because we know for certain they are always there for us.

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Getting a Clue


Sometimes when I explain my actions when I was young I will say, “I was young and dumb, with an emphasis on dumb.”   As I have gotten older, I have come to see just how little I knew when I was young, and how good it would have been if I had had a few more clues than I did.  I am going to try, in no particular order, the present what a few of those clues should have been.

Clue One:  Everything will be all right.  When I was just 10 years old my father had his first heart attack. Until that time everything had been all right.  But his heart attack brought into sharp focus how unpredictable life can be.  My mother, a registered nurse, took really good care of him.  But we were told that he might not live.  Fortunately he did, and for another 11 years at that.  But it was at that point I really needed to hear my first “everything will be all right.”  This was not a short-coming of my mother but a societal short-coming.   Parenting was a strictly on-the-job training experience.   And in this case, no one was there to tell my mother that everything will be all right.  My point is:  we really have very little control over what happens in our present and our future.  In reality we can only control our own actions, reactions and thoughts.  After that, we really have only a little control over our kids, our pets, and pretty much everything else.  Kids, pets and everyone else are going to do what they want regardless of how we feel.  But if we take care of ourselves and do our best along with doing the next right thing, for the most part, things will be all right.  Still, we need to hear that reassurance from those closest to us.  And in that respect, we need to choose our friends wisely.

Clue two:  Learn to study.  I went through 12 years of public school and 7 years of college without ever running into a course on how to study.  For that reason, at the end of my junior year in high school I had to transfer to a prep school, repeat my junior year, and continue on with my education.  Part of my problem was, as my mother use to put it, I was just too smart for my own good.  That is, from grades one through five I existed entirely on my own intelligence and ability to grasp what was put in front of me.  That meant I did not need to study to get an A.  The change started in the fifth grade.  My grades went from all As to Bs, Bs and Cs and in high school Cs and Ds.  As things got more difficult, I had no process for overcoming the challenges before me.  The only thing prep school did was it took away television and mobility from me.  By restricting some of my actions I was, in effect, forced to work harder on my school work.  My grades improved and in my senior year I was doing well enough to get into a very good college.  Once in college, however, I was entirely overwhelmed and it took only a semester for me to drop out.  Over the next decade and a half I struggled to get through college, but finally did.

There is nothing natural about studying.  I think some people, a very few, are self-motivated enough to be single minded about education which carries them through their education.  But for most of us, someone needs to tell us how to successfully study.  It turns out that study is not difficult, but it does require a degree of structure and commitment.  Without that, most of us flail around until we either “get it” or fail.  One of the most effective study techniques is really just asking the teacher/professor questions relative to those things we do not understand.  But this requires our belief system to understand that, regardless of how our questions sound or the other person’s reaction to them, they are necessary and we will be all right.

Clue Three:  Always be honest.  Most people will say they are honest.  And to some degree that will true.  The problem is simple, our perception of what being honest is like.  If you were to ask those same people if it is all right to tell a lie to save someone’s feelings, most would say that it is.  But what that statement really says is that they are willing to compromise with the truth.  If you asked that same group of people if they have ever exaggerated things they have accomplished they would probably say they had.  Again, honesty is compromised.

I believe there are two main reasons people lie, shame and fear.  We do something that we feel ashamed of and when confronted with what we’ve done, the tendency is to deny and effectively lie.  The other thing, when we do not want to say something which may hurt someone’s feelings, is to tell them what we think they want to hear.  But the dishonesty there is that we deny the person the right to deal with their own feelings speculating that our judgment is superior to their ability to handle bad news.  We tell ourselves that we are doing the right thing when in fact we are not.  But since we tend to repeat such actions over and over, in time we convince ourselves that it is the right thing to do.  We have become dishonest with ourselves, a truly fatal flaw.

Clue Four: Take care of yourself.  That phrase, take care of yourself, is rather commonly used when two people are parting ways, another way of saying good-bye.  But my meaning is the literal, take care of yourself.  That means in mind, body and spirit.  Of those three, the spirit is by far the most important.  I look as spirit as that part of ourselves that when things get tough, we find the inner strength to push through, and in the end, expect that everything will be all right.  That can be really tough, particularly when we are facing life altering or even possible life ending things.  But in the mundane, everyday things, our spirit is what tells us that we need to get out and exercise, go to the doctor when we feel sick, and tell someone of our problems, particularly when we are feeling overwhelmed.

Self-care becomes particularly difficult when the thing we are up against is somehow shameful in our mind.  It is at that exact time that we need to confide in someone and unless we have trained ourselves to do that, we will opt for pushing down inside ourselves, totally contrary to the ideal of self-care.

It took me a long time to figure out something which should have been obvious.  If I take care of all the little things in my life, the big things will work out and everything will be all right.  Feeling good about myself and my future is all about taking care of myself today.

Clue Five:  Give a damn!  I think one of the reasons I embraced liberal politics was this inner belief that when reasonable, we need to help other people.  There are times in our lives when we need to be selfless and give of ourselves to another person.  Simply put, it means that when someone needs our help, within reason, we help them.  A friend of mine once told me of an experience he had with his mother.  They were out one day when they came across a homeless man.  His mother gave him twenty dollars and told him to give it to the man.  He objected saying why not ten or five, thinking twenty was too much.  She told him that was God lying there.

But helping is usually much easier than that.  Most of the time it simply means we listen to someone who is troubled, trying to understand them, and help them, where possible, through their trouble.  Because if we do take the time to listen to someone else is means, for us, everything will be all right.