fat

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Everything I Like Is Illegal, Immoral and Fattening


It’s not true.  Not everything I like is illegal, immoral or fattening, just some things.  But it sounds good!  For example, why is it illegal for me to go out and breaking the knees of some asshole who gets his kicks from beating up his wife?  See what I mean!  It defies logic, right?  If I break his knees I will be arrested for assault and battery while he will just deny he ever did anything and get off scot free.  And I am not going to go into the immoral things.  I have three daughters who sometimes read this thing so I am not about to expand upon this subject.  Just use your imagination and you will probably be right.  As to fattening, well now there is something I can go on about.  I mean, I am seriously addicted to chocolate.  I have absolutely zero resistance over eating it.  So much so that I recent bought a large bag of peanut M&Ms and well before 24 hours had elapsed, I had finished the entire bag!  I got both a sugar high and an upset stomach.  You would think that alone would be enough to keep me from doing it again!  No.

I bought oranges today at Whole Foods, 10 of them.  Navel oranges.  I will eat 2 of them a day until they are gone.  That is actually healthy!  But each time I peel away the outer skin and pull away a section, I can see that it has no seeds.  That really pisses me off!  The solution, you would think, would be to buy navel oranges with seeds.  I challenge you to find somewhere that sells such oranges, of any variety!  Why are seeds so important?  Because the oranges with seeds have not been genetically altered.  They have not been manipulated by corporate America to satisfy those people who are too lazy to pick out the seeds and find swallowing seeds to be repulsive.  And why is the existence of seeds important to me otherwise?  Because oranges, and all foods, that are not genetically altered taste better!  That’s right, they taste better.  Grapefruit, lemons, watermelon, grapes and so many other fruits and vegetables have been made seedless and deprived me of their naturally occurring taste!

If you really want to see the mess science has made from genetically altered foods buy a pint of wild strawberries or blueberries and compare them with the genetically altered bigger and prettier versions.  The taste of the wild version is immensely better.  Wild strawberries are incredibly ugly and much smaller but their taste is always superb!  These “wild” versions I am referring to are actually cultivated and gown on farms, they just have not been messed with.

And that takes me to where I bought those stupid oranges, Whole Foods!   As far as I’m concerned, Whole Foods does about three things better than your generic supermarket, their fruits and vegetables are of better quality and in greater numbers, they have a great cheese department, and their baked goods taste really good.  But after that?  Nada!  You cannot buy Kellogg’s or Post cereals at Whole Foods but have you tasted their version?  Tastes like cardboard!  Horrible!  Who buys that crap besides idiots like me who do not know any better?  Their bread tastes pretty good but it is not any better than say Pepperidge Farm and is a dam site more expensive!  And that goes for almost everything in that store, overpriced!  This morning when I stopped there to get my oranges, and few pears too, the place was a zoo filled with hipsters!  I do not identify with these people.  Why in the hell do I go there?  Because I am naturally lazy and it was on my way home.

It is presently in vogue to buy “free range” and “organic” and other such items.  Supposedly healthier.  Really?  Who says?  Personally, I do not care what farmers use to grow their fruits and vegetables as long as they taste good!  And have seeds.  There is a claim the meat is filled with steroids that were used to fatten the chicken, beef or whatever.  Here is what the FDA says about that:  “Some of the approved drugs are naturally produced throughout life in people and animals, such as estradiol (estrogen), progesterone, and testosterone. These natural hormones are necessary for normal development, growth, and reproduction. People are not at risk from eating food from animals treated with these drugs because the amount of additional hormone following drug treatment is very small compared with the amount of natural hormones that are normally found in the meat of untreated animals and that are naturally produced in the human body.”  I also found out that steroids are not used in chickens at all.  What this all means is that I do not have to pay an additional $3 or more a pound for meat which has not had artificially infused steroids.  I was not buying it anyway.

I want to know who has been screwing with American minds so well that they have made us believe a rather large pack of lies.  Worse, they have spawned groups of people to support their positions.  That is a rhetorical question because I actually do know the answer:  Madison Avenue, the advertising industry.  They sell ice cubes to Eskimos.  They find the niche markets and then create an ad campaign to support that niche, facts be damned!  And for that reason I am not going to worry about the fat content in my chocolate ice cream because really good tasting ice cream must have a high fat content.   Have you ever tasted fat-free anything?  Most of it sucks!

Americans, keep eating that fattening stuff if you really like it!  Just be honest about it and do it in proper moderation.  Buy as much as you can from your local farmer, produce, dairy and meat, and scorn those big chain stores like Whole Foods!  And if you want to lower your carbon footprint, don’t buy a Prius, just drive less and take public transportation.  I know, that last thing has nothing to do with food but I find the Prius to be an incredibly pretentious machine.

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Vegans and Health Food People Really Piss Me Off!


Last night I was at a restaurant with my wife.  I had a particularly good piece of baked haddock and then decided, which is unusual, to indulge in dessert.  My wife pointed out that on the dessert menu was flour-free cake.  I told her that was either a misprint or a misrepresentation.  Cake is made with flour, sugar, butter, and in this case, chocolate.  I told her it was indeed a chocolate something but it sure as hell was not cake!

I blame all of this on California, of course, the land of fruits and nuts.  They started it all when someone decided alfalfa sprout would be such a good thing to put on a sandwich.  Are you kidding me!  Everyone knows alfalfa is grown to feed to livestock.  But they couldn’t stop at that, nooooooooo.  The next thing you know they are marketing this stuff called tofu.  Be honest, how many of you had any idea what tofu is when you first heard of it.  For that matter, how many know even now?  Tofu is soy but sounds better, somehow, when you call it tofu.  Except on Chinese food, where it’s great, soy/tofu, is evil!

Then they came up with this stuff called “soy milk.”  Really?  Last time I heard there were two sources of milk, mammals and coconuts.  But now these bastards have invaded my favorite coffee shop with their soy milk.  One day I accidentally poured some of it in my coffee.  One sip and I was certain I had been poisoned.  In coffee you put cream, milk, low-fat milk, skim milk, or nothing at all.  But as any real coffee drinker knows, you never ever put soy into such a drink.

One day I was out with a good friend and we stopped for coffee and a snack.  She was buying and she knew what kind of coffee I wanted and backed it up with a brownie.  Chocolate is a huge addiction for me but it goes so well with coffee.  Well, one bite into the brownie and once again I thought I had been poisoned.  When I questioned her about the brownie she snickered and said it was “gluten-free.”  Once again, I must insist, that is NOT a brownie.  It is something but not a brownie.

Remember those commercials for “I can’t believe it’s not butter.”  Really?  Have you no taste buds at all?  I can tell the difference all day long.  Do you put margarine on pop corn?  No!  Of course not.  It tastes like crap!

Take ice cream.  By definition ice cream is a combination of sugar and milk fats churned and cooled into its solid form.  People used to respect this and when they made something similar, but which did not quite meet the actually definition they called it sorbet.  My hat is off to them.  But sugar-free ice cream?  That is an oxymoron.  Even worse is “fat-free” ice cream.  Impossible!

And what about those people who say we should not eat meat!  Really?  We all have two front teeth, incisors or canine teeth.  They are an ancient remnant of humans having to tear at the flesh of animals to feed ourselves!

Americans desperately need to learn that it is not what we eat that is unhealthy, it is how much we eat.  We are so indulgent of our food desires that we are fat a lazy, and that is what is unhealthy.  If we think healthy, and act on those thoughts, we will be healthy.  Once I am finished with this I am acting on my thought of quickly finding and devouring a whoopie pie.  It’s not at all healthful but I will get a truly healthy sense of pleasure.  Eat on!