friends

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Self-Care: What is it and Why Aren’t You Doing It?


Self-care is a very simple concept. As it says, it is all about taking care of yourself. But most Americans, and probably others around the world, are not do much.

To be in good health is that you are doing three things: a mind not cluttered, a body in good health, and a spirit that thrives.

You would think the first thing would be the easiest, but it is not. Many people do not get an annual physical. Young people are especially guilty of this. They think they will live forever and since they feel good then everything must be good. Not true. First, you must look at your family history and see if there is any medical or psychological history of disorder. For example: my father had heart disease which killed him at a young age, 57. At age 49 I nearly had a heart attack too. But did I even consider it before that? No! In fact, after I left the army, I was guilty of not having physicals. I was most fortunate on the day of my “almost” heart attack, I was very close to Massachusetts General Hospital. That ended in surgery, a cardiac catheterizing when a stent was place in the problem area. Since that incident, I have had a physical every year and seen a cardiologist regularly. Two years ago, I needed a second surgery and last year a third. My heart is strong and heathy.

You say you are 20-somthing and what could be wrong? Cancer, heart disease, kidney issues, lung issues, and other problems which show up in simple blood tests. All doctors who are in primary care always want your history and that of your family. It helps them when they consider possible issues.

If there is a history of mental illness in your family, make sure that you are in strong psychological health. Simply put, if you have periods of depression, that is not normal. If you have fears you find impossible to overcome, that is not normal. These too are things to discuss with your primary care physician. Oh, you must get a primary care physician.

Do you find your mind racing? Do you feel weighted down by problems? This is something which needs attention. Sometimes talk it out with a friend will do the trick. But many times, it is time to call in a professional of some kind. It could be a financial professional, a lawyer, or even a psychologist. There are times when we have lived with some feeling that is uncomfortable, we come to believe it is normal. It is not. If you are known to say or thing that you have no friends, it is time to get help.

Finally, there is the spiritual portion of your life. Spiritually is not owned by churches or synagogues, it is a state of being when you are comfortable with yourself, know how to deal with your own problems, know how to reconcile with people in your past where harsh words were exchanged. This calls for a personal inventory. It is simple in concept but difficult in execution. You have to go through your whole life, look at your shortcomings, look where you have wronged somebody, and focus entirely upon what you have done to people or institutions, and not what they have done to you be it real or imagined.

You can be neither too young nor too old to start doing these things. It all comes down to desiring a better life. If you think your life is as good as it is going to be, do the things about and you will probably find that your life could be better.

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The Ultimate Guide to Social Success While Enduring Your Teens and Twenties


My last posting, An Absolute Guide to Surviving Your Teens and Twenties, struck me, almost immediately following my posting it, as being incomplete. And then it hit me. BAM! You idiot! You forgot to tell the how to navigate life during their teens and twenties. I would apologize for such a faux pas except that upon reflection, I realized it would have made the first posting too long and most likely, difficult to understand. Therefore, this is really part two to that first posting, just with a different title.

When I was in my teens, and in high school, a deadly duo if ever there was one, I was ruled by fear. That had actually started prior to my teens but my experience as a teen is more than enough to make a point.

Everybody, hopefully, has a first day of high school. Some of you more advantaged people, had a first day of prep school. Me, I started at the first and ended up at the latter. Anyway, there you are with several hundred of your closest friends heading into an auditorium for orientation. Most of you took this as an opportunity to talk to your friend on one side or the other of you. And maybe you talked to both of them. Does not matter! Not listening was by no means a fatal error but it did have a degree of seriousness. That is, some guy stood up on a stage and told you what to expect now that you were joining the part of life known as high school. Had what that person been saying been a guide of how to get from one side of the Amazon upper river, where you presently were, to the other side of the upper Amazon safely, I would be willing to bet that not only would 90% of you have listen, but would have taken notes. The other 10%?   Well, isn’t there always that 10% who just seem incapable of understanding the gravity of what they are about to undertake? I think so.

After the first month or so of your freshman year you have figured out which group of outcasts you belong to. I say outcasts in a coverall way because everyone group, each in its own way, is a bunch of outcasts at least for the time they assemble.

Now you probably think I am going to go on another diatribe about how important education is for you. Nah, I did that in my last post and I really hate repeating myself. This little diatribe is all about social survival. And since for high schoolers the overwhelming amount of socializing happens either within those high school walls or out on the athletic fields, what better place to focus upon!

Now take a second and think about your two greatest fears. Make certain you are being honest with yourself and place them in the front of your mind. I am willing to be that fear is one of those fears.   Sounds rather redundant doesn’t it. Well it’s not! Actually, it is prime to our entire survival.

There is this little talked about part of your brain called the amygdala. It is right next to the pituitary gland which helps regulate everything which happens in your body. But the amygdala has one purpose and one purpose only. The amygdala tells the pituitary gland that your life is in imminent danger and to send out a high amount of adrenaline to put the body into a fully alert state and defend itself. That one goes all the way back to when we were still crawling around in trees and could not communicate with one another except through sign language.

One of the first big social events all high schoolers experience, if they so choose, is the homecoming dance. That is the time when the school’s seniors, and a few choice juniors, celebrate something they really do not understand but since it means showing off with your boyfriend or girlfriend, you go all out for it. For the most of us, it is a time of heightened social fear. Why? Well I am so happy you asked! Because we have decided during that dance that the boy or girl we would really like to have a dance with will reject us out of hand. That is called projection.   It is an irrational fear which decides our next move, or in this case, lack of movement.

At my twentieth high school reunion I sat at a table I call the “divorced table.” I think there were ten of us and we were all divorced. To my heart’s belated delight, most of the women were some of the prettiest and most desired in high school. Now here comes the shocker, are you ready? Each of them agreed that far too many Saturdays passed with them not having a date when they desired one. The crusher for me was when I said to one of the women seated there, “oh I had such a crush on you.” And to my shock she responded, “I had one on you too but you never said anything!” So does that mean all I had to do as a freshman attending the homecoming dance was to walk across the floor, pushing aside my fear of rejection, and asking her to dance with me and I would likely have met with success. Well, if what I have just said is to be believed then the answer is an extremely obvious yes!

I remember thinking, “how come no one ever said anything?” The answer is amazingly simple: because most of us never overcame our fear of rejection to chance acceptance and so we said, or in this case, did nothing.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Odd statement huh? But think about it, was every high school dance you ever attended a repeat of the one prior. Were you doing your own version of “Ground Hog Day.” Most likely! That does not mean you will never get rejected, it just means you need to change your focus. I know for absolute fact that at any high school dance you ever attend there are going to be this rather large group of boys and girls who are dying to be asked!

Now if you happen to be reading this and are also in high school you would probably like to yell at me how there is this group of people who are universally popular! And you know what? You are quite correct. HOWEVER! They are in the minority, and a small minority at that. Which means by default, you are in the majority! The majority always rules but only when it does something.

Oh, and that reminds me, if you are drinking alcohol, STOP IT! Not only is it illegal, actually the least of your problems, but it denies you access to that part of you that will make you a social success. And now you are going to tell me how you become more social when you drink.   Wrong! You just talk more and most likely make a fool of yourself. And if you are a regular drinker, well, you are going through the progression of socially retarding yourself. Is that what you really want? Think about that guy or girl who is intelligent, beautiful, and popular who you would dearly love to date. Chances are they do not drink. But if they do drink, then you definitely do not want to date them because they are a mess inside in spite of any successes they seem to be amassing.

And drugs? A complete waste of time! Yeah yeah, I did a little marijuana and hash in my twenties but to what end? I just made myself into a bigger fool than I already was. In the 1980s there was a saying going around which went something like this: drugs are for people who cannot cope with reality, and reality is for people who cannot cope with drugs. Truer words were never said! So when you are considered doing X, or K, or Molly or whatever else is out there, do yourself a huge favor and opt out. Anything a doctor has not prescribed to you and you take are a roadblock between you and the happiness you so desperately desire.

And so you graduate from high school and find yourself in your twenties. If you are going to school, keep the focus on your studies and make party time tertiary. Third? Yes, because taking care of yourself in body, mind and spirit comes first, your studies come second and your family comes third. Ooops, looks like I just made party time 4th and maybe it should be even lower.

Every state in the United States considers you to be an adult once you achieve the age of 18. Do not be fooled! It is a trick! You are not! Science generally agrees that women mature more quickly than men and it has been my experience that such is exactly the case. There seems to be about a 3 year difference. So guys, this means that when you reach the age of 21 you are probably still acting like an 18-year-old. And just how responsible is an 18-year-old? Not very. It is not their fault. It just the way the maturation process works.

The smart person, for the first half of their 20s, refuses to get into committed relationships. They do this because they are still exploring what type of a relationship they want to be in which means who would make the best sort of partner for them. They will love someone for a while and then suddenly discover they like the person more than love the person. They met a good person, someone who will make a good friend, but who would make an absolutely miserable lifetime partner. Oh, and they do not party much.

But the early twenties are also the time you need to get every mistake you can make out of the way. You will make a lot of mistake just don’t forget what they were because they hold a lot of value for your future. A mistake is the universe’s way of saying, “Don’t do that again!”

A common mistake is a young man or woman finding the person who they think is mister or miss right when in fact that person is simply mister right now, or miss. That’s okay because that is how you learn who will not figure into your future, at least not as a life mate.

Regardless, for those years of 20 to 25 do not worry about all the mistakes you make, just be certain to remember each and every one. It sucks making the same mistake twice. Take that from someone who had done such many times over. Oh, and if you happen to reach 30 and still have not met the right person, fear not, they are close. And let me put one last misconception to bed. It is common said when looking at the people around you, and after being asked why you do not date a particular person, to say, “Oh, we’re just friends.” Just friends? That is exactly the person you want to marry. If you are not considering marrying a person who is also your best friend, you have probably made the wrong choice. Take another look at your friends, the right guy or girl for you may be right there.

There is a quip you hear sometimes: “the secret to life is . . . . “ There is no secret to life. Life means you wake up and you are happy that you did so. Life is enjoying the people around you. Life is a quiet moment watching ducks paddle a pond and seeing how “just being in the moment” works so really well for the rest of the animal kingdom. For some odd reason, man seems to have missed this most salient of all points. Live in the moment. Remember, when it rains on you it is raining on everyone else too. You are never alone. Want to see that work? Next time you come across a friend or are with a group of friends, look for the quiet one and go up and ask, “how’s it going?” And do not let them get away with a one sentence answer. Do not just act like you care, care. You might be the person who not only helps salvage that person’s day, but you will find yourself a happier person, almost like it was magic.

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Looking For True Happiness? Take Care of Your Shortcomings


I have found that one of the best and most keep-able New Year’s resolutions, or any other sort of resolution, is to promise myself that I will identify and deal with all my shortcomings. It was a little less than 20 years ago that someone suggested I do just that so that I could be happier and feel freer. But he suggested I use the “seven deadly sins” (wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony, I had to look these up) as the basis for this discovery. I have to admit that once I saw what those sins are, I was skeptical, to say the least.  I thought some were actually desirable or that I was just not willing to relieve myself of them; they were comfortable and seemed necessary. But then it came to me, those “sins” are meant to be a starting point and to consider them only in their excess. That is, if I were lazy, sloth, was I being so lazy that it was detrimental to me in one way or another. Or if I over ate, gluttony, am I doing so in a way that endangers my health. When looked upon that way, it made more sense.

But then I had to do a self-inventory. In this it was suggested that I start at two points, fear and resentment. As I blogged about earlier, resentment is when I drink the poison I wish someone to fall ill from. Most resentments are between two people but a resentment can exist between a person and an organization. The latter is much easier to deal with so I will take it first.

A guy gets fired from his job. He complains that he was unfairly dealt with, that he was treated poorly by his boss, and that he was not appreciated. A good friend asks him a series of questions: How often were you late for work? How often were you out sick when in fact you were just looking for a day off? Did you always complete your assigned work on time, completely, and to your boss’s satisfaction? The guy honestly reflects upon those questions and finds that he was guilty on all counts. And then the friend asks if he had been the boss would he have fired himself. The guy realizes the answer is “yes” and suddenly the resentment vanishes.

Now I will deal with the tougher of the two, the resentment of one person towards another. This is particularly important when it concerns two family members. The worst are resentments children hold towards their parents. There are some exceptions to this, e.g. the father deserts the family and the children are resentful. This is one place where a parent richly deserves the resentment. Resentment in such cases are entirely understandable, however, the resentment still only hurts the person holding the resentment. Resentments are always poisonous for the person holding it. The person holding onto the resentment is not allowing for his other feelings to surface, a healthy reaction. Having experienced the feelings he can move on to resolutions that will allow him to go on with life without the resentment. He can also feel free to consider the reasons the parent deserted the family. I suggest cowardice as a good one. You label the person a coward, you feel sorry for them, and then you move on. You are not excusing the person from their misdeeds but are simply defining them as best you can. Comfort can be found in reason.

Sibling rivalries are so common that for such a thing to not exist is probably an exception to the extreme. One of the most common complaints and basis for resentment is the old “mom always liked you best.” But even in cases where that is true, to what end does it help to hold a resentment towards your sibling? It is common for the eldest to feel displaced by the youngest. I know that for fact being the oldest of three. But there came a time when I had to look at my parents as human beings and detach their parental status. I needed to consider their shortcomings as best I could fathom them. In doing so I quickly gained a better understanding for both my parents and realized that so much of parenting is trial and error. My father died at a young age so I don’t have a lot to draw on from him but my mother lived 89 years. As time passed I think I understood her well, understood those actions of hers I felt resentful towards, and in the end found I was basically an idiot for not having done this at a much younger age. My parents were exceedingly good people doing an exceedingly tough job, trying to raise me. I was a handful to say the least. My parents always did their level best but being human failure on occasion was inevitable. They are not to be faulted for those failing, just understood and where needed, forgiven. The central question to their relationships with me was, did they love me? The answer is a resounding yes and that being true, I need to be satisfied.

All this introspection brought me to a conclusion about all of humanity: fear is the most pervasive feeling all humans have and the most difficult with which to deal. And a large portion of the human race does a poor job in dealing with fear. But fear is the one shortcoming that also owns a necessary place in our existence. But fear holds a special place because of its dual status. Fear is that extremely basic thing within all of humanity that was responsible for our survival from the earliest of days. It kept the human race alive back in its infancy and it keeps us alive today. No soldier who has ever been on the battlefield was devoid of fear. Even those who receive medals and are revered for their bravery will admit that they had a healthy amount of fear going in. Fear puts the body on alert that it is in danger and that a defense may be necessary. Fear heightens all our senses. That is the good fear. That is the type of fear that we not only cannot overcome but which we do not want to overcome.

But even that type of fear, that primal instinct of self-preservation and all others, come from a person’s lack of knowledge when faced with situations that require an action of them. We fear judgement. We fear being wrong. We fear rejection. We fear heights. And when we look at ourselves long and hard, we find that we all have a rather long shopping list of fears. Those fears range from the easy to deal with to the impossible to deal with.

One of the more common fears is that of being judged, particularly when that judgement comes from a person with whom we have a personal relationship. This is a tough one because it is human nature to desire to always been seen in a favorable light. This fear, however, can lead us to another character defect, honesty. People will say they were less than honest to save a person’s feelings. You are not responsible for another person’s feelings! If being honest means hurting a person’s feelings it may be better that way. But if it is one of those rare occasions where hurting the person’s feelings achieves nothing, then be judicious with your words but keep each word fully honest. You might find it wise to respond by saying “I need to think about that” or words to that effect. All of us are confronted with questions everyday but not every questions needs to be answered an instant later. Many question needed to be considered at some length before being answered. Most of the time saying “allow me to think about that for a minute” should suffice. Sometimes you will need to think longer. Regardless, engage your mind before engaging your mouth.

But there is one thing which is absolutely necessary. You must talk about your fears with someone you trust, if not a therapist. Many times a fear that is bouncing around in our heads loses all its power when shared with another person. Just our saying the very words “this scares me” frequently reduces the level of fear if not eliminating it entirely. I can say with absolute certainty that regardless of what scares you that exact same fear is shared by others and may actually be very common. One of the best things which can happen with sharing a fear with another person, is that person validates our fear by admitting they share the very same fear. Another frequent result of admitting a fear is finding a resolution to that fear in the process.

I have already touched upon honesty but it deserves further discussion. I have adopted a principle of absolute honesty even to my own detriment. That simply means that when someone asks a question of me, particularly a question which will require me to reveal a part of me of which I am not proud, I will give a fully honest answer. The only qualification to that is that the person asking the question has a right to the knowledge I hold. My wife has a right to ask absolutely any question she wants and I in return have an obligation to answer her honestly. But my sister, parents, other relatives, and friends do not have a right to access that information. What I cannot do is lie instead of telling them it is none of their business.

I have some young friends who have decided to not drink anymore and they struggle with how to deal with friends who use peer pressure to get them to drink. I tell them when asked why they are not drinking to reply that they simply do not want to. And if that person persists even after having asked twice, I suggest that they ask the person questioning them, “why it is so important to you that I drink?” This is shifting the burden in place of lying or of revealing a part of themselves they consider private. You are questioning their motives.

At this point I need to bring up the principle of “owning your own crap.” Everyone screws up, some of us more frequently than we care to admit, and yet it is still true. One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is “I wasn’t caught.” Yes you were! It does not matter that no one else saw your indiscretion, you saw it, you know about it and you need to own it. The principle here is you cannot get rid of any crap you do not own. That is just logical. Let’s say you put an old refrigerator out behind your house, then an old car next to it, then a box spring, and before long you have what appears to be a junk yard. The city comes by and tells you that you need to get rid of your crap because you are in violation of an ordinance. You tell them it’s not yours. As ridiculous as this scenario seems, this is something people do every day with regards to non-material crap. They deny they have done wrong, they deny they lied or were less than fully truthful, they deny that taking a bunch of paper from work is wrong, etc. But as long as they use denial of the truth as the barrier from taking rightful responsibility, they will suffer its consequences. The consequences is that these things are additive and they weigh upon you. That weight gets heavier and heavier and frequently leads to a loss of friends, relationships, of trustworthiness and even jobs. There are few things more freeing than to admit that you screwed up. Having taken ownership of the screw-up you can then commence a course of relieving yourself of that crap. This should bring into sharp focus the concept of denial as being a major shortcoming. People use denial regularly do not realize they are lying to at least one person, themselves, and probably others. It creates unnecessary barriers. It keeps them from enjoying a lot of happiness and freedom.

Some of my other shortcomings are laziness, procrastination, over eating, and many other things I just cannot think of at the moment. The thing is, I accept that I have each and every one of these shortcoming and that to overcome any one of them, I need to take some sort of affirmative action. I think it unlikely I will ever overcoming my overeating tendencies but I task myself with a certain level of exercise to overcome the shortcoming, or at least lessen its effect. It does not always work but it is a solution among the several available. My shortcomings keep me from being as happy as possible. But by acknowledging them and having a method of counteracting the shortcomings, I am assuring myself of much more happiness than by not doing these things.

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A Few Words of Advice to Gen Y From a Baby Boomer


One thing having lived a lot of years does for you, it gives you a ton of perspective.  Here are a few things I have learned along the way, only too often the hard way.

1.  Marry your best friend — That’s right!  The guy or woman you want is your best friend.  Marriages generally end over three things, money, trust, and communication.  Consider, that person you consider your best friend is a person you would hate to lie to, would trust with your life, and will tell pretty much everything.  And that is exactly the type of person, if not the person you want to marry.

(January 4, 2013 amendment)  A response I received to this section of this post, though maybe given a bit tongue-in-cheek, did none-the-less give me pause to think I had been less than clear, and that there is more to say.

From experience I known people say “we are just friends” and by extension say “why would I want to ruin a good friendship.”  The backdrop to such statements is the consideration of dating such a person, and that dating a friend might ruin a good friendship that you value.  I am asserting that such a belief is absolutely wrong.

If you are a woman and have some really good friends who are male, one of them may well be your best match as a partner in life, as a spouse.  The same is true for guys who might consider one of their best female friends.  My wife is also my best friend, and because of that I believe that it is the best combination possible.  Dating a friend cannot ruin a good friendship because real friends stay with you regardless of events.  If you truly are friends, dating such a person and then finding out the romantic feelings you need just are there should in no way hinder you from going back to being really good friends.  If anything, such an experience should only strengthen such a friendship.

2.  Make a career out of what thrills you — Our society sadly places a lot of emphasis on how much a person earns.  The thing is, what most of us want the most is happiness.  And that leads to the question of how happy can you be when you are making a ton of money in a job you hate?  At some point you burn out and start asking yourself why it was you got into that profession in the first place.  You ask yourself if it was really worth it.  When the time comes you can consider retirement, you should find it almost unthinkable as continuing in your chosen profession still thrills you.

3. Resolve all family issues — I have this saying, “all families are crazy, it’s just a matter of degree.”  I really believe that.  We only get one set of parents and they are gone too often too early.  My father died right before my 21st birthday, and I had so much left to say to him and talk to him about.  When my mother died, she was 89, I felt there was nothing I had left unsaid, and that felt really good.  You can pick your friends but you cannot pick your relatives.  That is not to say you have to be on good terms with all your relatives, but it is good to remember that the ones you would rather not see probably have no knowledge of your feeling that way. With such people politeness and kindness goes a long way, and requires nearly nothing from you.  And for those in your immediate family that you feel have done you some sort of egregious wrong, come to terms with the issue by either resolving it with the person involved, or, accepting that this person’s failure in your eyes needs to have minimal effect upon you as you go forth.  Do whatever it takes to make that statement true.  But at the end of the day, know in your heart that you have done your level best with your parents and siblings, and that nothing that needs saying, particularly “I love you,” is left unsaid.

5.  Make self-care a priority — This is the sort of selfishness that is in keeping with a healthy mind, body, and spirit.  It is natural for most people to think of other people first and themselves 2nd or 3rd or even lower.  That is always the wrong approach.  A healthy body is paramount to how a person feels about himself.  Eat properly, exercise moderately, and see a doctor and a dentist on a regular, scheduled, basis.  Being in your 20s is not a free pass for good health.  Women can develop breast cancer and cervical cancer in their 20s.  Men can get heart disease and diabetes in their 20s.  Worse, since during our 20s we feel the best about our general state of health, these diseases can go undiagnosed until they present a far greater health risk than would have happened with a regular checkup.  Also, pretty much everyone gets gum disease and cavities regardless of age.  People with the healthiest minds are those who realise the need to talk out their problems, regardless of the nature of the problem, with either an expert or someone they trust, a best friend.  Getting feedback on our problems requires us to consider what we are doing and that we might find a better way of doing things.  Or it might reassure us that we are doing the right thing or are okay.  And lastly, but maybe most importantly, we need to find a healthy outlet for our anxieties.  We need a healthy distraction that takes our attention away from weighty things and towards something that makes us feel good in a healthy way.  This needs to be practiced daily if possible, but be something we know we can turn to as needed.  Having taken care of ourselves in this manner, we find ourselves more appealing, more available, and more attentive to others, particularly those we love and care about.  It is difficult for anyone who is not healthy in any of these three respects, physically, mentally, and spiritually, to be at our best for those who need us.

6.  Never loan anyone money — This might seem a bit rash but it is not.  I remember years ago a guy who asked to borrow $5 from me with the promise he would pay me back.  He never has paid me back and I have never forgotten that.  He is also dead now.  What I knew, even before that incident, was that I should give the person the money requested with the understanding that they would not pay me back.  The only requirement I put on them is that the time will come that someone needs to borrow some money from them and when they give that person the money, I will have been paid back.  I also tell them I do not want to hear about how that happens for them.  Remember, it is impossible to cop a resentment over money you give away while it is far to easy to get resentful over money loaned and not repaid.

7.  Don’t worry over what people think about you — Everyone wants to be thought well of but that, of course, is an impossibility.  Regardless of where we are, there will be people who do not care for us.  Maybe they would even say they hate us.  The amount of weight that has is entirely dependent upon how we view it.  I know there are people who I do not want to be around and people who do not want to be around me.  I accept that.  Getting caught up in the reasons one person hates me, or whatever, is a fool’s task.  Short of asking them, I can never be certain.  I do need to ask myself why it is important for me to know and what I intend to do with the information if I were to get it.  I am most likely wasting time that could be better used in another direction entirely.  Being grateful for the friends I do have and being grateful for them is usually all I have to remember to make the fact that someone does not like me unimportant.

8.  Always have a Plan B — I actually learned this from my years on active duty in the army.  We used to like to say, “anything that can go wrong probably will, and at the worst possible moment.”  Keeping that in mind has told me that my initial plan, “Plan A,” may fail and that I will be well served to have a “Plan B” in the ready.  It doesn’t hurt to have a “Plan C” and a “Plan D” as well, depending upon how important success is.  Life loves to throw us curve balls which means we are going to be needing a “Plan B” a lot!

9.  Life is messy — This is the natural follow-on to the previous mention, having a Plan B.  Said Robert Burns in his famous poem “To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Plough,” said,

“But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!”

We make the perfect plan and still things go wrong, people do not react as we would hope, the weather does not cooperate, and our family drives us nuts.  But think how boring life would be were it predictable.  That challenge comes from meeting life’s messiness with the belief that we can persevere if only we do not allow things to get to us.

10.  Don’t take your self so damn seriously! — A couple of things that can quickly get us into trouble is our thinking how important our belief is or, worse, how important it is for us to be right, or worst of all, how important we are.  Throughout the history of man, all of the most important people who have ever lived have all died, sooner or later, and yet the world has not only gone on without them, but has done quite well.  Most of us have certain very strong beliefs that we are willing to fight for.  The thing with beliefs is, they are each and every one quite personal and unique to one person, ourself.  That is, it is difficult to find anyone who agrees 100% with any one of our beliefs 100% of the time.  While it is good to have strong beliefs, convictions, it is also good to remember that belief which differ from our own are equally important to their owner and deserving of respect.  A person who laughs at himself easily, is one other people will listen to respectfully.  And a person with strong convictions who respects another person of equally strong convictions, though they may be in direct opposition to his own, is a person whose convictions will gain consideration by those of other beliefs.

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Friends, Present and Past


I just noted that my “friend” count on Facebook is 208.  I realize that for some people that is a very low number but for me, it is just about right, give or take a few.  I did a purge a few months ago when I had over 330 friends.  Basically, if I had never met you and had no desire to meet you, I unfriended you.  A lot of those friends were distant relatives both in miles and genealogical terms.  I have never met an “Osgood” who I could not find the connections, where our two family lines come together.  It mostly happens in the 18th and 19th  centuries.  My family first arrived in 1634 at Ipswich Massachusetts, one of three brothers, with the other two arriving in 1638.  From those three brothers literally thousands have descended.  And so, my Facebook travels had me coming accross many other Osgoods whom I have never met, although I would like to meet them.

Here is where I drag myself back to my real friends, as opposed to some on Facebook.  Way back when I was in the 5th grade, a new kid moved into town, and into a new house there.  I liked crawling around construction sites in those days and the men working there never seemed to mind me. Then came the day for the family to move in, the Youngs.  What I found out immediately is that they had a son my age, in the sixth grade, who I immediately took a liking to.  They had moved to North Andover from Saco, Maine.  I think jobs were tough up there, and there was a better market for engineers in this area.  Mr. Young had gotten an engineering job at the Raytheon Company Missle Systems Division in Shawsheen MA.

From that time on, and all the way through high school we were best of friends.  I saw him as my only friend but I did not feel like I need more.  Dave met and exceeded my friendship needs.

After I graduated high school, I started dating this girl from the next town over, Andover.  Her name was Helen Hurley.  Turns out, her family and my family had had a relationship that predated my birth but that also got me in good with her father as he thought very well of my family.  I had been going out with Helen only a few weeks when I suggested to my best friend, Dave, that he should really ask out Helen’s sister Maureen.  He hemmed and hawwed about it for a while before finally giving in.   And that, as the say, is all she wrote. They got married, had three kids, and were the perfect couple, at least as far as I could see.  They were great together.  It always felt good to have played a very small part in all that.

In 1996 the public high school I attended had its 30th reunion, and I went, which was the last one I went to.  I had no idea how ominous that event would be.  They actually combined the classes of 1966 and 1967 together to ensure a good turnout, and there was a fairly good turnout.  There were surprises, a guy we had known as Robert had become Roberta.  The usual stuff.  My brother was there with his girlfriend.  I attended alone.  I was divorced at the time.  But I sat at a table with my best friend David and tried to catch up.  It was a solemn evening because David told me he had an inoperable form of tumorous cancer.  Sitting there that November evening I do not think any of us expected we would be burying him a year and a half later.

But it was only a little over a year later, after the re-union, that my brother died quite unexpectedly, an unfortunate car accident.  He was working on his car in his garage, had the engine running but the damn fool did not have it ventilated.  My brother should have been my best friend, but he wasn’t.  I let him down.  I am the eldest of 3.  I am responsible.

Then on July 3, 1998, I had a heart attack that almost took me out.  The cardiologist told me this in strong terms.  Doctors like to have holidays off like anyone else and no surgery was planned for July 4 that year but my quickly worsening condition forced their had and they had to do emergency heart surgery on me.  The cardiologist informed me that I would not have lived out the weekend has we waited for Monday.  July 4 was a Saturday.

A few years ago I went on a search for a guy named Jim Camp who I had served with in the 25th Infantry Division.  I had lost track of him but we had been very close when we were stationed together.  I finally found someone who knew his story.  It seems he moved back to Florida, he was from there, and on the Thanksgiving Dinner table, Jim fell dead of a heart attack, right there.

I have taught each of my 3 daughters that you really only need one really good friend at any one time in your life, and I truly believe that. Dave and Jim were absolutely wonderful friends.  I can only wonder what sort of friend I was towards them, but I hope they saw it as good.

I don’t know that I have a true best friend these days, although I could really use one.  This is the person you can dump all your crap out in front of and have him respond , “so what’s the big deal?”  A good friend tells me when I am full of crap and warns me when I am screwing up.  That is a best friend.

But I have also had lots and lots of other friends, many of whom I love and adore.  I am not afraid to vocalize my positive feelings to these people but sometimes I get the feeling that such expressions are not always received well.

I am blessed to know so many good, wonderful, amazing people.  I think we should have a national “take your best friend out to dinner week.”  What do you think?

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Who Do You Love?


Today is Valentine’s Day and millions of women are getting roses, diamonds, and lots of other goods.  Men, well, we get a card.  There seems to be some inequity there but, there is not!  I do not have any idea how this day began but it is a pretty nice thing.  But, it also truly is something we should practice everyday.  I try.

I have a very special love for my wife, and a different, but equally as special love for my three daughters.  I have been able to reconcile that age-old question about loving one best.  I love them all equally but differently.  I do not have a favorite.  Each of my daughters is special in her own way and endears me to her in that particular way.  My love for each is shaped by how they endear me which means comparisons are ridiculous.  I sent each a Valentine’s Day card to each.  And my wife gets her own special treatment too of course.

But what about all those other people in my life who I love but do not send cards to?  Where it may be all right to give a card to some, it would be inappropriate to give one to the rest.  That does not mean I have misplaced love.  It simply means it is a different sort of love, one which attempts to respect boundaries.

For some reason my thoughts today went all the way back to when I was in the 8th grade and thought I was in love with one of my classmates.  She was a wonderful person then and is the same today.  I have seen her in recent years and although I do not feel that childhood love, I see her in a very kind light.  She was important at a particular time.  My high school girlfriend gets more consideration.  I know I loved her but I was never in love with her, an important distinction.  Her kindness, gentleness, and understanding have allowed me to keep nice memories of those days.

Then there was my first true love.  I was 21.  She was absolutely wonderful, and even though we were engaged, briefly, to this day there is no doubt that we had a mutual love that was really good.

After that there was a woman who came into my life briefly.  She was in it for only a year but it was a troubling time for me, and a time I was far from home.  She was not only beautiful in appearance, she was particularly beautiful inside.  Try as she might, she was unable to get me to stop taking myself so seriously and have a little fun.  Nevertheless, she stole my heart.  But the relationship was never more than friendship, and not one “with benefits,” as people like to say today.  That is, unless you consider having such a person as a dear friend a benefit, which I do.  She had a heart as big as all outdoors, and she had a personality that attracted nearly everyone she came in contact with.  Once our ways parted I lost contact with her, but that has changed with the advent of facebook, and we have reconnected.  That feels good, just to make that connection, again, with a really good person.

Then there was my former wife.  Even though I married her for all the wrong reasons, I married an extremely good person.  She is a great mother.   She has a huge heart, is generous to a fault, and is a great person to have as a friend.  We are still friends and I value her friendship much more than most other people I know.

There are other people in my life now, friends, who are very dear to me.  I value their friendship hugely.  Those particular friends are ones I consider special, and who I would do most anything for.

My point is, I love all these people.  Some of them even though many years have intervened.  And there are plenty more who I have not mentioned here who I still feel strongly about in one way or another.  All these people either have made a difference or are still making a difference in my life.  I love them, all of them.  Today is a good day to remember each of them and be grateful.

I suggest any who read this take a little time and consider those who have made a difference in your life and consider the idea of having some love for them.  Having well placed love for another person is never a bad thing.

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Problems With Living in Paradise


I am certain some of you are saying, “how can living in paradise be a problem?”  That is a most reasonable question, however it depends upon your definition of paradise.  Milton spoke of “Paradise Lost” but his was of a religious philosophical gist.  F. Scott Fitzgerald’s first novel was “This Side of Paradise” but his paradise was a Fitzgerald commentary on wealth and society in the early 1920s.  Most people think of paradise as being a tropical resort where it is sunny and 80 all day.

One such “paradise” is, of course, Hawaii.  I lived in Hawaii from 1978 – 1979.  The day I arrived in Hawaii I remember the scent of gardenia’s filling the air.  I had had no previous experience which said to me I was in a tropical paradise to be sure.  I was there to join the 25th Infantry Division of the U.S. Army, my last stop in my army career.  I was definitely not there for a vacation but I was there for an extended period which allowed me to gain a good feel for living there.

If there was something to be seen on Oahu, I saw it.  I went everywhere.  I also enjoyed days on end at Waikiki, sunning myself to a darkness I have had neither both nor since.  I have always loved the beach and took full advantage of the beaches during my time there.  There are a lot more beaches in Hawaii than Waikiki and I went to many of them.  I did have one mishap however.  I went to the beach at Makaha one day and there was a particularly severe undertow that day.  The beach did not, and still does not, have a life guard or anyone who monitor’s the conditions there.  You find out what is going on by going into the water.  I went into the water and was only a few feet out before I found just how bad the undertow was.  I could not have been more than 15 feet from shore but it took all my strength to return to shore.

I also had the good fortune to visit the “Big Island” of Hawaii while I was there.  This island surprises the uninformed.  It literally has three different climates on this one island.  The volcanoes, Mauna Loa and Mauna Kea each rise close to 14,000 feet above sea level.  If you leave Kona and head up the mountains you go from the tropics to the temperate climate to a cold climate en route.  If you visit the mountains during the winter season you will actually find them snow-covered.  Mona Loa has a ski tow to its peak.  And of course being there you get to see one of the world’s most active volcanos, Kilauea.

Those are many, but not all, of Hawaii’s wonderful parts.  But I am from a place that is over 5000 miles removed from Hawaii and has lots of cold weather and only about 2 months of hot weather.  Two years in Hawaii and I was ready to get back to the “mainland.”  I had, what is euphemistically called over there, “rock fever.”  The island of Oahu, like any island is limited in how far you can go north to south and east to west.  Oahu is 44 miles long and 30 miles wide at its extremes.  LA County is 4083 square miles and Oahu is 1320 square miles, or about 1/3 the size of LA County.  For those of us who are used to being able to go more than 40 miles in any one direction, Hawaii leaves us a bit wanting.

Honolulu is a wonderful city.  There is much to do there, of course.  But Honolulu is a city of 905,000 inhabitants.  Boston, where I am from, has over 2.5 million in its metro area.  But even more, it offers more educational institutions, more libraries, more museums, among many other things.

What I am getting at is, Boston is my paradise.  I was born here, grew up here, as did my parents and many generations of my family before.  This is home and I love it, even if I do want to trade in some of its winter weather for some of Hawaii’s winter weather.  I think for most of us, paradise is what we call home, where we have our loved ones, where we are most comfortable.  Paradise is truly a state of mind and not a place.  I enjoy paradise whenever I see my daughters, or enjoy a day out with my grandson, or hold my granddaughter.  Paradise is the company of my friends.  Paradise is being able to put a smile on someone’s face.

Let me assure you, Hawaii is a paradise in its own rite.  It is a paradise you can visit but not live in for most of us.  But even being in Hawaii and calling it paradise is just a momentary reflection on what is going on around us and how we feel.  Trust me, I have had many a good meal with good friends or family, and thought I was in paradise.