happiness

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Why Are We Angry?


Anger can be a useful tool in our lives. But for the past 6 years, it seems the level of anger in this country has risen to an unacceptable level. You need only look at a few politicians to find the source of much of this anger at it root. But what has happened in turn is that Americans are simply getting angrier at other things as well.

Have you ever gotten angry at another driver on the road? Of course, you have. But why? Ironically, when I am driving and my wife is with me, she is the one who get angry at inconsiderate drivers and not me. I find this hilarious, but it is also a problem. Why is it I do not get angry at these drivers? It is simple, I have accepted the fact that there are a lot of fools driving on our roads. What can I do about it? Where the other driver is concerned, nothing. Where I am concerned, take it in stride and accept it. By doing this, I do not get stressed.

The golden rule says: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I take that very seriously. And so, I do a lot of little things that I hope will in turn make the other person at least smile. One thing I do is, when I am at a checkout counter at a store, I always say to the checkout person, “have a wonderful day.” Sometimes they do not acknowledge but that is all right. And other times I see them smile and respond in kind. Another thing I do is, I have this stack of $2 bills. I will always give a waitress one of them as a part of her tip. Since the $2 bill is not seen very much, many of them are amused and therefor a little bit happier.

But the question remains, how much anger is needed in our lives. In a perfect life the answer is none. That means that if we think through the problem which has caused our anger, we need only think of a solution, or, barring that, we need ask ourselves why are we getting angry? The kind of anger I most frequently get is towards our elected officials who do not seem to have the needs of their constituency at the forefront. That anger lasts for less than a minute once I realize there is little I can do about it except vote, and/or, write that person a letter explaining that discontent.

It is said that humans are social creatures. If you accept that, and that is what science tells us is the truth, then we must act as if we are always at a friend’s party and keep smiling and saying happy thoughts. If we are being drawn into a contentious conversation, we can simple excuse ourselves from it and find a happier place.

The bottom line is, trying justify anger is like trying to keep the tide from coming in.

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Are You Happy? Why Not?


Unless you live in a country that is repressive, you have no reason to not be happy in general. We all go through times of sadness, death in the family, losing a job, sickness, and other unplanned occurrences. But those are things of limited time, things which will pass in time. And in those times, you can still find happiness.

We human beings are wired to be happy. Most of us are born to loving parents and have a good childhood. And even those who have experience less than that, they manage to find happiness, so why don’t you?

Our entire life experience, starting with childhood, is controlled by certain portions of our brain. But our brain needs to be trained. Too many people train their brains to think in a positive way. Instead of saying “why me?” why not simply accept the situation at hand and move on. As parents we are responsible for teaching our children these positive reinforcements for our children. And then we need to train ourselves the same way.

I so often hear someone say, “it’s just not fair.” What are they talking about? They are talking about their home being devastated by a tornado, a child who has leukemia, a parent who dies suddenly, and so many other things. I bring out these things because if you look at them, each is because of the forces of nature and not those of many. I always say, they are entirely fair, miserable as they are, but disease and weather do not pick out individuals and bring pain upon them! It is just a natural course of events. This is the universe, inexorably moving along, a power bigger than any of us, and, unfortunately, bringing pain to our lives. The only things that can possibly be unfair is the action of one or a group of people who cause us pain. It is only a human being who can bring about the condition of being “unfair” to us.

To feel happy you must think happy. As I said in my previous post, there is beauty all around us, we just need to take notice. There are wonderful people everywhere but we must find them. Their are people beyond our family who will support us in hard times, but, including our family, we must stay connected to such people.

Our individual happiness depends first upon our own state of mind and then by the bridges we have built.

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The Spirit of Christmas


Once a year, on December 25th, about 1/3 of the world stops to recognize and celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. The story of the birth is one of humbleness (The Three Kings kneeling before Him), giving (the gifts of the Magi) and family, Mary and Joseph. It is a tradition that began then and continues to this day.

Jesus was born into tremendous political discord and yet that merits only a sentence in His story because it is the story of something much larger. It established that on at least one day we put aside our labors, give thanks for our friends and family. It requires that we look upon one another with love.

For example, during World War 1, the British and German soldiers, who were of course mortal enemies, on Christmas day rose up from their respective trenches and walked towards each other bringing gifts to their enemy and celebrating this one day as tradition expected, as they expected. On December 25, 1915/6/7, they were brothers who had the strength of character to put down their rifles, if only for a day, and wish happiness and good cheer to those who shot at them the day before.

This year, in America, and in other countries, political discord and upheaval has brought out the worst in many. But on this day, I would implore all who find someone despicable, whom they say they hate, to look at that person and at the very least forgive them the perceived transgression and wish them happiness and good cheer, as is in keeping with the Christmas spirit. It is good to remember, you have a choice, you can be right or you can be happy, yours to choose, but you cannot choose both.

If you happen to be out on the street walking today, and there is a stranger walking towards you, just before they pass you by, say “Merry Christmas!” and keep on walking. You will most likely make their day and will have fulfilled our duty as human beings to love one another, wishing them the best.

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The Rules of Life


Whatever happened to manners, common curtesy, thoughtfulness? I do not know where it went but we need it back, and we need it back right now!

When I was a kid and had received a present, Christmas or birthday, my mother sat me down at the dining room table and had me write out a thank you note to the person who had given me the gift. It was a small thing but at the time I did not realize how important it was.

RULE 1: ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL

That thank you letter was an acknowledgement of a kindness given. It was a curtesy demanded of people who desired to have good manners. So what is curtesy?

There was a time when men would stand up at the dinner table when a woman came in to sit down. A man would hold the door for a woman to walk through. There was a time when you spoke to your elders using the word “sir” or “ma’m.” It seems like much of that has fallen by the wayside.

Americans are in a rush, all the time and everywhere. But why? I do not know. But here’s something to chew on. If you live 15 miles from work and the average posted speed is 45, that means it will take you about 20 minutes to get to work. Now today’s American is in a rush so he is going to try to average 55 miles an hour for that 15 miles to work. How much time does he gain from going 55? A little over 1 minute. Yup, that’s it, one minute! But that extra 10 MPH makes that driver more dangerous on the road. It is likely he will take chances along the way, rush a yellow light before it turns red, cut off another driver, or worst of all, cause an accident.

RULE NUMBER 2: NEVER EXCEED THE SPEED LIMIT

Now it would appear that rule 2 is meant for the previous paragraph and it is, but only in part. There is a speed limit to living life. But it the case of life, you can neither live it faster or slower than the clock allows. But some people believe that have to push as hard as possible to get where they want to go. To be who they want to be. That person will try to get things done in half a day that normally takes a full day. Are they moving too fast? Speeding? Possibly. Each person needs to check his stress level. A train can go into a curve traveling at a rate of speed greater than the tracks can handle. The tracks become overstressed and fail. People do the exact same thing. Stress is not a normal state of living. That you feel stress for an extended period of time is proof positive you need to slow down.

RULE NUMBER 3: BE A GOOD FRIEND

Okay, so if this were a question it would be a trick question. Being a good friend to the people we know is easy. The people I am speaking are those people we do not know. If you live in a city environment, as I do, you can easily come in contact with a thousand people every day. Most of them we simply pass by without a thought. But occasionally someone catches our eye. Their eyes meet our eyes. At that point we become their brief friend. We smile, nod to them, and maybe even say ‘good morning’ or ‘good afternoon.’ This is what friends do for one another.

Recently I have exacted a demand of myself. Whenever someone asks me how my day is going I must answer with a smile and say energetically, “I’m having a marvelous day! How’s your day going?” I have found it absolutely amazing the positive response I get. I believe if I do that enough times and on a regular basis, sooner or later I am going to run across a person who is actually having a crappy day but my positive energy will lift them just enough to smile for a moment and possibly allow them to feel a little better. But is that not exactly what you would do for a friend?

RULE NUMBER 4: BE INTOLERANT OF INTOLERANCE

The United States of America may be the most diverse country of any in the world. I would not be surprised if we have at least one person who represents every country, every race, every everything in the world. We probably have a member of every religion here too. But just between those two things Americans seem to generate an awful lot of intolerance, bigotry, racism and xenophobia. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into the trap the likes which Donald Trump is making popular. We are both bigger and better than those whose small minds speak poorly of others. We need to recognize that all people, regardless of who they are, share common fears, desires, and interests. My years of living have taught me that whatever you fear, whatever you have done, whoever you are, you are just one of many who feel the same things, want the same things, fear the same things.

RULE NUMBER 5: NEVER LOAN MONEY ANYONE; GIVE IT TO THEM

Few things cause more resentments and hard feelings than money which is lent out and not repaid. Every now and then someone will ask me to loan them some money. I tell them I will not loan them any money but will give them some money with just a single provision attached. That provision is that they promise when someone asked them for a load they will give that person some money. I tell them once that is done, their debt to me is paid but the must never tell me of it. This is just the “pay it forward” concept someone else came up with.

RULE NUMBER 62: DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY

The world does not revolve around you! Ever hear that saying? Well it is true! But here is the really good news: the world does not know you exist. That means when it rains, it rains on everyone, not just you! When you are stuck in a traffic jam and will be late for a super important meeting, just look around you. Everyone else is stuck in that same jam and one of those people may be a doctor who is desperately needed to save a life.

The world was here billions of years before we were born and will continue on billions of years after we die. In time we will all be forgotten. That is neither a good nor bad thing, it just is. If you want to know how to live, take trip to your local park, sit on a bench, and watch the squirrels. Each of them lives entirely within a single moment in time. They scurry around to find food. Hide in the branches to escape the wind and rain. And when they sense danger, as we do, there is that little place in their brain that yells at them to run, same as us. But have you ever heard of an unhappy squirrel. No. And you never will. They simply adapt to what is going on around them and move on.

RULE NUMBER 0: EVERY DAY YOU WAKE UP IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY, CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVE

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Self Care


The expression “self-care” is likely people think they understand but when nailed down for a definition they would need to think about it for a while. And were you to ask that very same person what they do on a regular basis that qualifies as self-care, they would probably find themselves at a complete loss for words.

Self-care comes in three distinct, but each equally important, parts. Self-care involves the physical body, mental state and spiritual state. Now do not worry about this becoming some sort of religious treatise, but I assure you, you will hear none of that in this.

PHYSICAL SELF-CARE – This concept is by far the easiest of the three to explain. I cannot imagine any adult have doubts as to its meaning but I am going to bring up a few points all the same. In this area everything starts with your primary care physician. You do have a primary care physician don’t you? If you find yourself answering “no” to that question then get one, today if possible but tomorrow at the latest. Then make an “as soon as possible” appointment for a physical. You may think you are in perfect health but until you hear those words for someone whose job it is to make such judgements; you simply do not know! I cannot emphasize this enough to women in particular. You have breasts which, whether you like it or not, can become cancerous. This is where the advice of a physician is crucial. They will do an in-office exam of your breasts for you plus will teach you how to do a self-exam. Also, and even as a man I know this to be uncomfortable, you need a pelvic exam on a regular basis. Again, cancer is the concern but the good news in both cases those cancers have a high degree of cure. But along with the usual listening to your lungs and heart, looking in your eyes and ears, they do blood and urine tests looking for things with a higher degree of difficulty of discovery.   Get a dentist too while you are at it!

Ah, but that is not everything. Our bodies want us to eat good healthy food. Most of us have some degree of difficulty in identifying what our particular body is craving and which is also healthy. My body craves chocolate but I know except in moderation, it simply is neither necessary nor healthy.

And finally there is exercise. This tends to be the least popular of physical care and yet it is equally important to all the others. What is regular exercise. I believe the general rule is 3 days a week of ½ hour of cardio level exercise. That means your heart beats fast and you work up a sweat. If that seems more than you care to do then I suggest one hour of walking 4 days a week.

MENTAL HEALTH SELF CARE — This may be the scariest of the three but I will attempt here to make it less so, a lot less. This is not a test to find out if you are crazy, just the opposite, it is an exercise in insuring mental acuity. That simply means you do thinks which require you to exercise your brain. Reading, crossword puzzles, even video games require a high degree of focus which helps keep the brain sharp. But it also helps forestall, if not stop completely, any chance of depression, a listless feeling, and other things contrary to good mental health; things which lead to a feeling of dullness in the brain.

It is my belief that 75% or more of all people suffer through a period on mental illness. I am not a medical or psychological professional, however, experience leads me to believe I am probably right. The good news is that most mental conditions encountered by people are temporary and easily dealt with. However, and this is the big one, left untreated a simple problem can easily turn into something extremely serious. One thing I know for certain: there is no shortage of psychiatrists, psychologists and social workers in this country. These are to “go to” people for when you encounter one of the many mental illness any human can experience. I think the ones which most people experience, if not all people, are depression and trauma. We all think we know what depression is and we are probably right. But at such times it never hurts to get an unbiased look-see at the situation. This is not to say that your best friend cannot help you all the way through a depression, but should (s)he not be able to see you through it, the responsible thing to do is to seek out the professional.

Trauma, fortunately, is the rarer of the two conditions. But what is “trauma.” “Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape or natural disaster. Immediately after the event, shock and denial are typical. Longer term reactions include unpredictable emotions, flashbacks, strained relationships and even physical symptoms like headaches or nausea. While these feelings are normal, some people have difficulty moving on with their lives.” (http://www.apa.org/topics/trauma/).

Unfortunately, many people find themselves having to suffer through one or more of the above mentioned circumstances. In such cases professional help is a necessity. If you are one of those people and have not sought out help because you are afraid of what people will think, stop it! Anything you do which promotes any portion of your health in a good way is always a good thing. In truth, it is none of anybody’s business what measures you are taking to stay healthy and shame on them should they have the temerity to criticize you for doing so. You have to put your well-being ahead of what anyone thinks.

SPIRITUAL HEALTH SELF CARE – It is my belief that spirituality is either the most misunderstood or not at all understood of the three. Spiritual health is necessarily tied to mental health because lacking good mental health makes spiritual health almost impossible. And yet, a person who keeps himself in excellent spiritual health finds that somehow, almost by magic, physical and mental health seem to take care of themselves.

Spiritual health is a state of mind which is practiced on a daily basis. For example, I love to say to people, “Do you know how I know it is going to be a good day today?” And of course they say “no.” “Because I woke up,” I respond. Then I suggest they consider the alternative, it is that day that I do not wake up because I have died. I may be on my death bed but upon waking up that morning I know it is going to be a good day because I woke up. Simply put, I am grateful for every day I am alive.

But that is just the beginning of my day. I have committed to myself to do my level best to never judge another person, regardless of their bad deeds, their irresponsible behavior, their immaturity. There are a lot of people who anger me, that is to be expected. I hate their deeds but I have come to believe that it is either they are very much the narcissist or have a lacking of self-worth. But I have the power to keep myself clear of their foolishness. I will be all right regardless of what they do.

I believe that you cannot be to kind to a person. I like to be a person’s cheerleader. I like encouraging them. I like reassuring them that they are doing the right thing. But most of all, I like telling that regardless the circumstance, they are not alone, there is always someone willing to stand by them and help as much as reasonably possible.

I was at the supermarket today and the woman at the cash register asked me how my day was going. The way she asked me made me feel like this was something the supermarket had commanded her to do. I responded that I was having a fabulous day and asked her with a big smile how her day was going. She instantly knew my question was genuine and she smiled. Mission complete. And that cost me nothing at all.

Healthy spirituality to me means knowing when to speak and when to remain quiet. It means being someone other people can rely upon. It means being 100% honest. It means being helpful even when it might mean my having to go out of my way.

Spirituality to me means that when it is rainy and windy and causing me discomfort, it is the same for everyone else. It means that when I get bad news for my doctor my next question is: “So what are we going to do about this?” It means that I have come to the realization that the universe is moving inexorably in a particular direction and that I can either fight it and lose, or going along with it and win. It means acceptance of my life and everything going on around me always helps me get past the difficult with the least amount of pain.

Spirituality means I take complete responsibility for all of my actions and have no problem admitting to such when it is called for.

Spirituality means I am grateful for all that I have and do not feel I need anything more for continued happiness.

All this things make up the complete package of self-care, at least as far as I can tell.  Who knows, maybe there is more but I am certain that if I keep to the above, which I do, I am guaranteed the greatest amount of happiness possible.

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It Isn’t Easy Being Human


I remember when I was a college freshman, a professor asked the question, “what makes us human?”  He was asking us to answer what separates us from any other animal on the face of the earth.  I do not know the answer he gave, but I know the answer to be our ability to make a weighted and thoughtful decision.  No other animal, when faced with something, stops to consider its options.  All animals, except human, act purely on instinct.  Animals cannot make decisions as humans do.  They draw entirely on experience, Pavlovian, and instinct.  Animals also always exist entirely in the moment.  A German Shepard does not distinguish between his own breed and any other.  All he sees is another dog.  We humans should be so blessed.  It would certain make for a lot less animosity.

But the single thing that separates us most of all from all other animals is the fact that we have the knowledge that one day we will die.  No other animal, without exception, has any concept of mortality.  They never consider what things will be like next year.  They are entirely involved with living today, and assuring their continued survival but without regard to death.

We, as human beings, make hundreds of judgement decisions every day.  Sometimes we fail and we recognize that we have failed.  The concept of failure is not in an animal’s mind.  Animals do not think that they failed, they are already moving on to their next plan that will fulfill their need.  We humans would do well to take that approach.  Unfortunately, many us get bogged down with our failures and allow those failure to rule our lives.  We think we are “failures” rather than accept that failure is a simple fact of the entire animal kingdom, and is seldom a moral issue, another thing animals are incapable of, moral judgement.

Regardless of what you may think, no animal now, or ever, has ever been evil.  Evil is an entirely human concept.  Animals kill other animals because they are protecting their young, their territory, or for food.  The mountain lion does not kill the deer because he hates any particular deer.  He kills it for food.  Bears attack humans because they usual perceive us as a threat to their territory.  A polar bear will actually track a human down and kill him, but that is because he sees us as prey, not because he dislikes us.

In the entire animal kingdom, except for humans, survival of the fittest is an absolute law.  We humans, however, do not have to follow that law.  We have the ability to help the “less fit,” those who are weak, sick, mentally deficient, etc.  How much and how well we do that is a matter of choice.  Had other species been able to make such judgements, the woolly mammoth of North America for example, they would still exist today rather than having fallen into extinction.  Because we are capable of understanding we have an immediate obligation to help and to understand our fellow humans.

It was not until the mid to late 20th century that humans had any real understanding of mental health.  And because we are at our hearts animals, we tend to deal from our fears and too often let those fears control our actions.  It is known today that a very large portion of our population, at some point in their life, suffers, even briefly, from some form of mental illness.  Most common, of course, is depression.  There are those who suffer from what is called clinical depression, and who suffer for a long time, if not a life-time.  Then there are schizophrenics, bi-polar, psychotics, who require intense and life-long treatment.  Those people suffer the largest degree of alienation from other humans even though their disease is truly a disease like cancer, chicken pox, polio, or any other disease humans suffer from.  The difference being that diseases of the mind cannot be seen except in their outward manifestations, and that scares us.  We become uncomfortable when we are around such people.  But what we need to remember is our responsibility to them is no less than it is to anyone else, maybe more so.

On any given day we humans are bound to make a goodly number of mistakes in judgement.  Most such mistakes we do not make much of, and are soon forgotten.  Once in a while a mistake rises to something more serious.  When such things happen one of the most foolish things we can do is to dwell on the mistake, and beat ourselves up over it.  The most healthy thing we can do is to apply the appropriate fix and put it in our rearview mirror.  There seems to be something unnatural to humans in doing that, but it is actually the most healthy thing we can do.  If we can learn one very good lesson from the rest of the animal kingdom, we need to learn how to live in the moment.  It is impossible to change history, regardless of how shameful, but as humans we do have the good fortune to not repeat of our mistakes by simply making a mental note of what did not work in the past.  Animals are incapable of such behavior.

It is truly not easy being human, but it is extremely rewarding.  Unlike our animal friend, we know we exist and we can do something about how we exist.  Still, happiness is generally a choice.

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A Few Words of Advice to Gen Y From a Baby Boomer


One thing having lived a lot of years does for you, it gives you a ton of perspective.  Here are a few things I have learned along the way, only too often the hard way.

1.  Marry your best friend — That’s right!  The guy or woman you want is your best friend.  Marriages generally end over three things, money, trust, and communication.  Consider, that person you consider your best friend is a person you would hate to lie to, would trust with your life, and will tell pretty much everything.  And that is exactly the type of person, if not the person you want to marry.

(January 4, 2013 amendment)  A response I received to this section of this post, though maybe given a bit tongue-in-cheek, did none-the-less give me pause to think I had been less than clear, and that there is more to say.

From experience I known people say “we are just friends” and by extension say “why would I want to ruin a good friendship.”  The backdrop to such statements is the consideration of dating such a person, and that dating a friend might ruin a good friendship that you value.  I am asserting that such a belief is absolutely wrong.

If you are a woman and have some really good friends who are male, one of them may well be your best match as a partner in life, as a spouse.  The same is true for guys who might consider one of their best female friends.  My wife is also my best friend, and because of that I believe that it is the best combination possible.  Dating a friend cannot ruin a good friendship because real friends stay with you regardless of events.  If you truly are friends, dating such a person and then finding out the romantic feelings you need just are there should in no way hinder you from going back to being really good friends.  If anything, such an experience should only strengthen such a friendship.

2.  Make a career out of what thrills you — Our society sadly places a lot of emphasis on how much a person earns.  The thing is, what most of us want the most is happiness.  And that leads to the question of how happy can you be when you are making a ton of money in a job you hate?  At some point you burn out and start asking yourself why it was you got into that profession in the first place.  You ask yourself if it was really worth it.  When the time comes you can consider retirement, you should find it almost unthinkable as continuing in your chosen profession still thrills you.

3. Resolve all family issues — I have this saying, “all families are crazy, it’s just a matter of degree.”  I really believe that.  We only get one set of parents and they are gone too often too early.  My father died right before my 21st birthday, and I had so much left to say to him and talk to him about.  When my mother died, she was 89, I felt there was nothing I had left unsaid, and that felt really good.  You can pick your friends but you cannot pick your relatives.  That is not to say you have to be on good terms with all your relatives, but it is good to remember that the ones you would rather not see probably have no knowledge of your feeling that way. With such people politeness and kindness goes a long way, and requires nearly nothing from you.  And for those in your immediate family that you feel have done you some sort of egregious wrong, come to terms with the issue by either resolving it with the person involved, or, accepting that this person’s failure in your eyes needs to have minimal effect upon you as you go forth.  Do whatever it takes to make that statement true.  But at the end of the day, know in your heart that you have done your level best with your parents and siblings, and that nothing that needs saying, particularly “I love you,” is left unsaid.

5.  Make self-care a priority — This is the sort of selfishness that is in keeping with a healthy mind, body, and spirit.  It is natural for most people to think of other people first and themselves 2nd or 3rd or even lower.  That is always the wrong approach.  A healthy body is paramount to how a person feels about himself.  Eat properly, exercise moderately, and see a doctor and a dentist on a regular, scheduled, basis.  Being in your 20s is not a free pass for good health.  Women can develop breast cancer and cervical cancer in their 20s.  Men can get heart disease and diabetes in their 20s.  Worse, since during our 20s we feel the best about our general state of health, these diseases can go undiagnosed until they present a far greater health risk than would have happened with a regular checkup.  Also, pretty much everyone gets gum disease and cavities regardless of age.  People with the healthiest minds are those who realise the need to talk out their problems, regardless of the nature of the problem, with either an expert or someone they trust, a best friend.  Getting feedback on our problems requires us to consider what we are doing and that we might find a better way of doing things.  Or it might reassure us that we are doing the right thing or are okay.  And lastly, but maybe most importantly, we need to find a healthy outlet for our anxieties.  We need a healthy distraction that takes our attention away from weighty things and towards something that makes us feel good in a healthy way.  This needs to be practiced daily if possible, but be something we know we can turn to as needed.  Having taken care of ourselves in this manner, we find ourselves more appealing, more available, and more attentive to others, particularly those we love and care about.  It is difficult for anyone who is not healthy in any of these three respects, physically, mentally, and spiritually, to be at our best for those who need us.

6.  Never loan anyone money — This might seem a bit rash but it is not.  I remember years ago a guy who asked to borrow $5 from me with the promise he would pay me back.  He never has paid me back and I have never forgotten that.  He is also dead now.  What I knew, even before that incident, was that I should give the person the money requested with the understanding that they would not pay me back.  The only requirement I put on them is that the time will come that someone needs to borrow some money from them and when they give that person the money, I will have been paid back.  I also tell them I do not want to hear about how that happens for them.  Remember, it is impossible to cop a resentment over money you give away while it is far to easy to get resentful over money loaned and not repaid.

7.  Don’t worry over what people think about you — Everyone wants to be thought well of but that, of course, is an impossibility.  Regardless of where we are, there will be people who do not care for us.  Maybe they would even say they hate us.  The amount of weight that has is entirely dependent upon how we view it.  I know there are people who I do not want to be around and people who do not want to be around me.  I accept that.  Getting caught up in the reasons one person hates me, or whatever, is a fool’s task.  Short of asking them, I can never be certain.  I do need to ask myself why it is important for me to know and what I intend to do with the information if I were to get it.  I am most likely wasting time that could be better used in another direction entirely.  Being grateful for the friends I do have and being grateful for them is usually all I have to remember to make the fact that someone does not like me unimportant.

8.  Always have a Plan B — I actually learned this from my years on active duty in the army.  We used to like to say, “anything that can go wrong probably will, and at the worst possible moment.”  Keeping that in mind has told me that my initial plan, “Plan A,” may fail and that I will be well served to have a “Plan B” in the ready.  It doesn’t hurt to have a “Plan C” and a “Plan D” as well, depending upon how important success is.  Life loves to throw us curve balls which means we are going to be needing a “Plan B” a lot!

9.  Life is messy — This is the natural follow-on to the previous mention, having a Plan B.  Said Robert Burns in his famous poem “To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Plough,” said,

“But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!”

We make the perfect plan and still things go wrong, people do not react as we would hope, the weather does not cooperate, and our family drives us nuts.  But think how boring life would be were it predictable.  That challenge comes from meeting life’s messiness with the belief that we can persevere if only we do not allow things to get to us.

10.  Don’t take your self so damn seriously! — A couple of things that can quickly get us into trouble is our thinking how important our belief is or, worse, how important it is for us to be right, or worst of all, how important we are.  Throughout the history of man, all of the most important people who have ever lived have all died, sooner or later, and yet the world has not only gone on without them, but has done quite well.  Most of us have certain very strong beliefs that we are willing to fight for.  The thing with beliefs is, they are each and every one quite personal and unique to one person, ourself.  That is, it is difficult to find anyone who agrees 100% with any one of our beliefs 100% of the time.  While it is good to have strong beliefs, convictions, it is also good to remember that belief which differ from our own are equally important to their owner and deserving of respect.  A person who laughs at himself easily, is one other people will listen to respectfully.  And a person with strong convictions who respects another person of equally strong convictions, though they may be in direct opposition to his own, is a person whose convictions will gain consideration by those of other beliefs.

by

The KISS Principle


I really like Gene Simmons but this is not about his band.  Nor is it about the affection one person shows another.  This is all about the process of thinking.  KISS is an acronym that means “Keep It Simple Sweetheart.”  It is really a very simple principle too but we humans seem to take great pride in complicating the hell out of just about everything.

I believe that just about every waking minute of our lives we are confronted with choices and questions.  Most of these we respond to in an automatic sort of way.  The answer is so obvious we do not waste a millisecond considering it.  And 999 time out of 1000 that is the correct response, the right answer.

But also every day, and numerous times every day, we are confronted with decisions that do require a varying degree of consideration.  One of the more common decisions comes when we are driving a car and come up on an intersection where the light has just turned yellow.  The correct response, every single time, is to stop, even when we are feeling rushed, late, and stressed.  Maybe even, particularly so at such times.  I believe we all know we should stop when we see the light turn yellow, but for some reason we decide it is worth it to take a chance of making it through the intersection safely.  But it is that one time in a thousand that we do not make it through safely that we should stop every time.  The simple answer here is, stopping every time keeps it simple.

We human love to think about what we believe is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and even next year.  Such thinking can, and many times does, lead us to obsessing over trying to plan or worrying about what we perceive the future holds.  We seem to go through this long list of “what if” which is an exercise in insanity as such things are almost impossible to predict.  The keep it simple principle says that you figure out what you can do, right now, about the impending situation and then put it out of your mind.   What is really important tomorrow is of little or no import today.  Having made the decision on how to proceed tomorrow we need to return our focus to what we are doing today.

Another situation is how we human love to think we know how someone is going to respond to us.  We, for example, would love someone to do something for us but since we see what we want of this person to be a “big thing” we decide that they will of course turn us down.  That is always a bad analysis even when we believe we have compelling evidence to support our perception.  The thing is, is cannot possibly know how a person is going to respond to and answer a question until you ask them.  The keep it simple principle says that you can never ever think you know how a person is going to respond.  And that includes when you do get the response you expected because until the other person has responded, you just cannot know for certain.

Another thing we humans love to do is over plan things.  A situation will arise that is particularly important to us, say a large get together.  We are responsible for planning the event but then we try to compensate for every conceivable situation imaginable.  But the two things we try to control are usually the most unreasonable.  First we try to figure out what everyone is going to want or need.  We drive ourselves nuts trying to accommodate all those perceived needs and desires.  The keep it simple principle says that you go only as far as is reasonable in accommodations.  A funny thing happens when you make a simple plan and stick to it, people will generally accommodate themselves to that plan rather than the other way around.  The second keep it simple principle says that where the weather is important to an event, do your best to choose wisely and then put it out of your mind.  Fabulous weddings happen on stormy days, even when everyone wishes for something different.  I picked the weather because it is one of the best examples of something we humans have absolutely no control over.  Our recognition of those things we have no control over helps us achieve the greatest success possible.

The basis of the KISS principle is focus.  When any sort of decision is in the offing, stay focused on that decision alone.  Avoid dragging in anything peripheral to it as that just tends to confuse things and cloud the decision-making process.  Always ask yourself how much you can do right this moment that will have an effect on the decision.  Once you have done everything you can do right now, let the rest of it go until you are either at the decision point or at a point when there is something else you can do.  The most difficult part of this process is accepting those things you have no control over.  But once you have done that, it is amazing the clarity you get with regards to your future.

by

You Can Be Happy But Only If You Want To


I spent too much of my life being unhappy for no good reason.  I had plenty of bad things happen to me, which I was quick to point out, and I used those things as reasons for not being happy.  What a bunch of crap that was!

What I have found out at this end of my life is there are only a few things I need to do to be really happy.  But there are also a lot of things I need to be aware of that keep me from being as happy as is possible.

I used to do a lot of things that got between me and happiness.  First, I used to stare at the past and bemoan it.  What I mean is, I would look at the various bad things that happened and feel sorry for myself.  Instead of using them as learning experiences, I allowed them to take me over and rule my feelings.  What I did not seem to understand was that I could not do a thing about what had happened to me.  And if I did not allow the past to negatively affect me, it would not.  I also used the “what if” or “if only” in looking over my past.  I would say “what if I had done this” or “if only I had not done that” and generally sit on the pity pot whining.  What I should have said to myself was, “You know what?  What happened to you was really crappy.  Now, do all in your power to see that it does not happen again and move on!”

Resentments cause people more loss of sleep and more distress than is necessary.  A resentment is me drinking some poison when I think badly of someone else and waiting for them to be affected by the poison.  I know, it is nuts!  But that is what we do when we decide to cop a resentment.  What good does it do?  None!  But I have also found that too my of my resentments are me seeing something in some else that I hate because it is something in me I hate.  If I find myself heading towards a resentment these days I stop myself.  I have far better things to do with my thinking time.  Resentments are never happy things and I simply do not have the time to waste on unhappy things.

There are some other things I do to keep myself happy.  I seldom take things personally even when it appears someone is launching a personal attack against me.  I have found that most times those people have something else going on and I am a convenient target at that moment.  At such times I remind myself that most likely the person has issues they are dealing with and I just let the whole incident go.  I definitely do not get into a fight with them, and allow them to “win” if that is what they are after.  It does not happen a lot that I need to defend a position.

These days I truly believe that I know it is going to be a good day simply because I woke up that day.  That might sound strange, but consider the alternative.  I see the beginning of every day as a chance to enjoy something.  Most days I find lots of things.  Animals are always a great source of pleasure.  I simply watch them moving around doing whatever.  The question in my mind at such times is “what are they doing?”  or I simply think that what they are doing is interesting.  More importantly, I have found that my energy level is generally reflected back in the animal’s actions.  If I am calm, so are they.

I seldom get angry.  What is the point?  How many things can happen to me in a year, let alone a day, that require my anger?  The key word in that sentence is “require.”  I think it entirely human for anger to flare from time-to-time but it is how I deal with it that makes all the difference.  It is very seldom that I truly have any need to show or voice my anger.  When I feel my anger rising I am quick to ask myself if it is truly necessary.  Usually the answer is no.

I find it very easy to let things go these day.  Recently I have had some things stolen from me and I got angry over it.  I despise theft.  But after my brief visit with anger I work hard to get over it and let it go.  People who would steal from me are just sick.  There is nothing I can do about them.  More importantly, I let go of the idea long ago that I have much control over anything after I finish controlling myself.  This is particularly true of other people.  I can let it be known how I feel and that I wish someone to act differently but I cannot force them to acquiesce to my desires.  That means, once I have let my desires know, I let go of whatever it is that has prompted me to be vocal.  That means I usually quickly forget whatever it was that bothered me in the first place.  I have moved on to more important things.

When someone requests my help I usually give it to them.  This is something that makes me really happy.  I consider it a gift when someone desires my help considering they could request it from so many others.  Even more, I expect nothing in return.  And most of the time, I refuse anything in return.  That mostly happens when someone offers me money.  I am really happy that they simply say thank you.  That makes my time given them a gift.  There is an old saying, you have to give it away to get it.  Whatever I give to someone I find gets returned to me many many times over.

I have also decided that loneliness is generally something that can be overcome quickly.  Most of the time I know when I am going to be alone.  It is at those times that I have made plans to have something to amuse myself with.  Frequently that means I have a book with me.

I really believe that most home runs are hit when you are thrown a curve.  It certainly is true in baseball so why not in life?  When life throws me a curve, is that not a time for me to shine and show what I can do?

I think life is really mostly about what you make of it.  If you are going to be angry, morose, petty, vindictive, resentful, and a host of other negative things, you are not going to be left with much time to be happy.  Our negative feelings are just reminders that we need to be happy.