life

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It is Time We All Slowed Down


The late 20th and early 21st century, it seems that everyone has become more and more in a rush to get something or go somewhere. The most obvious place where we see such things is on our roads and highways. People seem to have taken to the left lane on our highways instead of staying to the right. What is their rush? How much time do they expect to make up in their rush to get somewhere?

My experience is that I see many drivers going 10 mph or more over the speed limit. On a long drive you can certainly go further in a day but what are you risking? When roads are constructed the engineers response set a maximum safe speed for that road. In my travels I have driven on a highway where the speed limit is 80 mph. But mostly, I drive roads that are 70 mph. The problem arises when that highway passes through a city and the speed limit drops to 50 or 55. Too many drivers ignore the speed limit. They put aside their responsibility to drive safely for the other driver.

But this is just a small part of our need to slow down. I have asked people, friends, to lie down on their bed, get very comfortable, close their eyes and then take in a long slow deep breath through their nose and then slowly let it out through their lips. I ask them to do this 10 times. Afterward, I ask them what their experience doing this was. Without exception they tell me they feel much more calm. What they are doing is destressing from the demands of the day. It is a very real way to slow down our minds. Then I ask them to take inventory of their body and what each part is feeling. I explain that each part of our bodies will tell us something different if only we were to listen to it. I always use the example of asking what they feel in the neck and shoulders. Invariably they respond that they feel tightness which is just another place our stress settles in. But in doing a complete inventory of our body, with our eyes closed, we find that our legs, our stomachs, our backs and other places feel tight and therein lies the problem.

The way we got to that place is very simple. We are not taking care of our bodies and our bodies are sending out all the signals it can that we need to destress. That means we can start by simply slowing down.

Many people will say, “I have to do this” or “It has to be done quickly.” They question they fail to ask themselves is that of the truth to their statements. Do this with three simple questions: Do I have to do this? Do I have to do this now? Does this have to be done by me?

People commonly stress themselves by thinking they must clean their house all in one day. And when they fail, they end up feeling badly. The better approach is to pick one or two rooms to clean in one day. By doing this every room will be cleaned and there will be little, if any, stress involved.

Have you ever gotten angry because some driver around you does something you consider stupid? We all have but it is our reaction to this that makes the difference. If you decide you need to yell at them, as if they would hear you. My response is to simply call them a dumbass and then return to my job of being a responsible driver. This keeps my mind slowed down.

I recommend that on a daily basis everyone take at least 10 minutes to meditate. Don’t think you know how? It is simple, go to your backyard or a quiet place, and focus on something which pleases you. Do not let your mind wander from that unless it is to another place you find pleasing. My best thinking comes during these times of meditation. Things I have decided are a problem are solved by my slowed down mind. The solutions just seem to pop into my mind as if from nowhere. But in truth, I have simply given my mind a break from being stressed and a chance to come up with logical solutions.

One last good thing to do to quiet ourselves and slow down is to take a daily walk, ideally with our spouse, a friend, a lover and walk for about half an hour. You are forcing your body to slow down because walking peacefully allows our body to slow down.

These are but a few examples of gaining more pleasure from our daily lives through slowing down. There are many others but you have to start somewhere.

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The Rules of Life


Whatever happened to manners, common curtesy, thoughtfulness? I do not know where it went but we need it back, and we need it back right now!

When I was a kid and had received a present, Christmas or birthday, my mother sat me down at the dining room table and had me write out a thank you note to the person who had given me the gift. It was a small thing but at the time I did not realize how important it was.

RULE 1: ALWAYS BE GRATEFUL

That thank you letter was an acknowledgement of a kindness given. It was a curtesy demanded of people who desired to have good manners. So what is curtesy?

There was a time when men would stand up at the dinner table when a woman came in to sit down. A man would hold the door for a woman to walk through. There was a time when you spoke to your elders using the word “sir” or “ma’m.” It seems like much of that has fallen by the wayside.

Americans are in a rush, all the time and everywhere. But why? I do not know. But here’s something to chew on. If you live 15 miles from work and the average posted speed is 45, that means it will take you about 20 minutes to get to work. Now today’s American is in a rush so he is going to try to average 55 miles an hour for that 15 miles to work. How much time does he gain from going 55? A little over 1 minute. Yup, that’s it, one minute! But that extra 10 MPH makes that driver more dangerous on the road. It is likely he will take chances along the way, rush a yellow light before it turns red, cut off another driver, or worst of all, cause an accident.

RULE NUMBER 2: NEVER EXCEED THE SPEED LIMIT

Now it would appear that rule 2 is meant for the previous paragraph and it is, but only in part. There is a speed limit to living life. But it the case of life, you can neither live it faster or slower than the clock allows. But some people believe that have to push as hard as possible to get where they want to go. To be who they want to be. That person will try to get things done in half a day that normally takes a full day. Are they moving too fast? Speeding? Possibly. Each person needs to check his stress level. A train can go into a curve traveling at a rate of speed greater than the tracks can handle. The tracks become overstressed and fail. People do the exact same thing. Stress is not a normal state of living. That you feel stress for an extended period of time is proof positive you need to slow down.

RULE NUMBER 3: BE A GOOD FRIEND

Okay, so if this were a question it would be a trick question. Being a good friend to the people we know is easy. The people I am speaking are those people we do not know. If you live in a city environment, as I do, you can easily come in contact with a thousand people every day. Most of them we simply pass by without a thought. But occasionally someone catches our eye. Their eyes meet our eyes. At that point we become their brief friend. We smile, nod to them, and maybe even say ‘good morning’ or ‘good afternoon.’ This is what friends do for one another.

Recently I have exacted a demand of myself. Whenever someone asks me how my day is going I must answer with a smile and say energetically, “I’m having a marvelous day! How’s your day going?” I have found it absolutely amazing the positive response I get. I believe if I do that enough times and on a regular basis, sooner or later I am going to run across a person who is actually having a crappy day but my positive energy will lift them just enough to smile for a moment and possibly allow them to feel a little better. But is that not exactly what you would do for a friend?

RULE NUMBER 4: BE INTOLERANT OF INTOLERANCE

The United States of America may be the most diverse country of any in the world. I would not be surprised if we have at least one person who represents every country, every race, every everything in the world. We probably have a member of every religion here too. But just between those two things Americans seem to generate an awful lot of intolerance, bigotry, racism and xenophobia. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into the trap the likes which Donald Trump is making popular. We are both bigger and better than those whose small minds speak poorly of others. We need to recognize that all people, regardless of who they are, share common fears, desires, and interests. My years of living have taught me that whatever you fear, whatever you have done, whoever you are, you are just one of many who feel the same things, want the same things, fear the same things.

RULE NUMBER 5: NEVER LOAN MONEY ANYONE; GIVE IT TO THEM

Few things cause more resentments and hard feelings than money which is lent out and not repaid. Every now and then someone will ask me to loan them some money. I tell them I will not loan them any money but will give them some money with just a single provision attached. That provision is that they promise when someone asked them for a load they will give that person some money. I tell them once that is done, their debt to me is paid but the must never tell me of it. This is just the “pay it forward” concept someone else came up with.

RULE NUMBER 62: DON’T TAKE YOURSELF TOO SERIOUSLY

The world does not revolve around you! Ever hear that saying? Well it is true! But here is the really good news: the world does not know you exist. That means when it rains, it rains on everyone, not just you! When you are stuck in a traffic jam and will be late for a super important meeting, just look around you. Everyone else is stuck in that same jam and one of those people may be a doctor who is desperately needed to save a life.

The world was here billions of years before we were born and will continue on billions of years after we die. In time we will all be forgotten. That is neither a good nor bad thing, it just is. If you want to know how to live, take trip to your local park, sit on a bench, and watch the squirrels. Each of them lives entirely within a single moment in time. They scurry around to find food. Hide in the branches to escape the wind and rain. And when they sense danger, as we do, there is that little place in their brain that yells at them to run, same as us. But have you ever heard of an unhappy squirrel. No. And you never will. They simply adapt to what is going on around them and move on.

RULE NUMBER 0: EVERY DAY YOU WAKE UP IS GOING TO BE A GOOD DAY, CONSIDER THE ALTERNATIVE

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Making Amends to the Universe


It is a funny thing about words you do not use in most conversations: you think you know the definition and then upon looking the word up in the dictionary you find something quite different.  I used to think that the act of making amends with someone meant apologizing.  Of course I was wrong.  Just this morning I looked the word up in my handy dandy Webster’s and this is what I found: “Amends – Reparation for insult, injury or loss.”  Did not see the phrase “to apologize” anywhere there although one can imply it from the word “reparation.”  I of course immediately looked up the word “reparation” and found this:  “Reparation – 1. The act or process of repairing or the state of being repaired.  2. The act or process of making amends: EXPIATION. 3. Something done or paid as amends: COMPENSATION.”  Since “expiation” is not in my vocabulary I had to look that one up too.  At this point I was hopeful I would not see yet another word which needed clarification.  “Expiation – 2. Means of atonement.”  I did not include definition “1” because it said “the act of expiating.”  Is that not obvious?  Regardless, the dictionary made no direct mention of the act of apologizing.  Quite to the contrary, it seems like that definition was actively avoided.

I was made aware of this process by a group of friends almost 20 years ago.  Of course my first impression was that I needed to apologize for my bad acts and be done with it.  Upon reflection, however, it seems people deserving of an apology may have difficulty in believing the maker of such, me, because recent history makes them believe that I will repeat my bad act yet again.  And I now know, they were probably correct.

But what does all this have to do with the universe?  It is actually rather simple but speaks to my religious upbringing, Roman Catholicism.  The Catholic Church that I grew up in had me constantly looking over my shoulder.  It seemed to me, via their teaching, that each day I would commit a multitude of sins that I needed to apologize for and hope that God would be forgiving.  Catholic priests in those days, much like their conservative Protestant brethren preach a whole lot of fire and brimstone.  They contended if I were not on the right side of God, which was more likely than not, I would one day be condemned to hell.  And so Catholics, at least, love to apologize for everything even though they have somewhere been little and no comprehension of their transgression and what makes it such.  For example, the nuns assured us it was a sin not to go to church on Sunday and holy days and that we needed to confess that sin to the priest.  I always wanted to say, “you mean God is pissed off at me just because I missed mass one Sunday?”  I feel certain had I gotten up the courage to ask such a question, the answer would have been a very hearty “yes.”  It just did not make any sense to me, still doesn’t.

I bring that up because as I entered adulthood and for many years afterward, I was crippled with Catholic guilt and no understanding of how to assuage it.  The nuns would have said, “just don’t do it anymore.”  No explanation, just don’t do it.  Such insufficiencies dogged me for half of my adult life.

One of the first things I learned in dealing with my transgressions and the art of making amends, yes, it is an art, was coming to an understanding of the exact process leading up to that transgression.  This was something I had never before considered, mostly because it never occurred to me but also because it had never before been suggested.  And so here is where the universe, and I mean that literally, comes into play.

Long before life came to exist on the face of the earth, at the moment of the “Big Bang” actually, the laws of the universe were set into motion.  Each and every one of those laws are absolutes, not to be broken, not to be denied, and certainly not to be contested, least of all by we humans.  The universe was set into that motion at that moment and had be moving, inexorably, in a particular direction ever since.  Scientists today are at odds with, and discuss at considerably length, what direction that motion is moving, but they agree that there is a single set of laws controlling that direction.  We humans do not understand that law yet, if ever.

Since humans have roamed the earth they have tried, many times in vain, to understand what was happening to them and why.  The ancients, in their desperate attempt, created gods who reigned over just about everything, the rising of the sun, the motion of the moon, the oceans, the rain, everything.  But in that process, they also started making excuses for negative things which happened to them by laying it off to one of their gods or to other people.  The idea of taking responsibility for your own actions seemed at odds with the teaching of the day.  Unfortunately, such teaching, though modified, have mostly passed down through the ages and exist today.  People today try to figure out why something has gone horribly wrong in their life and look outward for the answer, other people, bad luck, anything that does not require them to look inside themselves.  There are also those situations which creep into everyone’s life where the literal forces of the universe negatively impact their life.  It gets really bad when a person starts thinking it is only raining on them when common sense should win out telling them that the universe is not plotting against them, it is actually raining on everyone around them as well.

The reason for mentioning all these things in the context of amends is that humans seem ill prepared to put things in proper perspective.  We humans have this tendency to be in a reactive mode rather than a much more productive proactive mode.  I like to use the example of a 25 year old who dies from cancer.  People love to say “how unfair” it is.  The problem with the word “unfair” is that it implies some sort of reasoning behind it.  It is as if the cancer looked at that 25 year old and decided to pick on him or her.  Of course that is foolishness.  They do not think the same way when a life-long smoker gets lung cancer or emphysema, so why do so just because the cause is not evident?  They would be far better served by lay off blame, if blame really must be assigned, to the universe and its inexplicable and difficult to avoid actions.

One of the most common places to see otherwise good people behaving badly is our nation’s roads and highways.  There is so much aggressive driving, so much inconsiderate driving, so much feeling of being “an exception to the rule” that driving for me personally is painful.  Just because I get up on the wrong side of the bed, or I am running late, or I do not like the type of car you are driving, it is not alright for me to take out my aggressions, my impatience, my distaste for your taste on you.  But when I do, I immediately need to take notice and make amends.  Now I am not going to then stop you just so I can apologize for my bad actions if for no other reason that it is unreasonable.  But more to the point, is it not what making amends to you means.  I this case what it means is I must find patience, I must not be aggressive.  In changing my ways I am making amends.  And in truth, that is the only way amends can be made.

Here is another example of how I used to be.  If at a checkout of a store the store employee gives me the wrong change and it is in my favor I would not notify them of the fact, even if or particularly if, it were a very small amount.  In doing so I was teaching myself to be dishonest which of course translated to much larger things.  They say the devil is in the details and this particular detail speaks to my honesty or lack of it.  That meant for acts of this sort the amend to be made was to make honesty an absolute.  I changed my way of going through life.

I really and truly dislike cold weather of any sort and this particular winter has been quite rough and doubled by an overabundance of snow.  Many was the morning that I felt myself becoming cranky because of one or both such things coming into play.  In the more distant past, my tact was to take out my crankiness on anyone who had the temerity to cross my path.  They did not deserve it but I did it anyway.  The amend here was simply to acknowledge that I am feeling cranky by I simply needed to work to keep that to myself and visit that crankiness on no one.

Today I look upon amends the same way I look at chocolate.  Well, pretty much anyway.  I invite amends because I have come to realize that it allows me to grow and be at peace with the universe.  Life is constantly throwing me curves but I have become rather good at hitting them out of the park.  But on those occasion that I cannot hit that curve out of the park for a home run, I can do nothing and be absolutely all right.  Amending me has brought so much peace to my life it is something I implore everyone to do.

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A Few Words of Advice to Gen Y From a Baby Boomer


One thing having lived a lot of years does for you, it gives you a ton of perspective.  Here are a few things I have learned along the way, only too often the hard way.

1.  Marry your best friend — That’s right!  The guy or woman you want is your best friend.  Marriages generally end over three things, money, trust, and communication.  Consider, that person you consider your best friend is a person you would hate to lie to, would trust with your life, and will tell pretty much everything.  And that is exactly the type of person, if not the person you want to marry.

(January 4, 2013 amendment)  A response I received to this section of this post, though maybe given a bit tongue-in-cheek, did none-the-less give me pause to think I had been less than clear, and that there is more to say.

From experience I known people say “we are just friends” and by extension say “why would I want to ruin a good friendship.”  The backdrop to such statements is the consideration of dating such a person, and that dating a friend might ruin a good friendship that you value.  I am asserting that such a belief is absolutely wrong.

If you are a woman and have some really good friends who are male, one of them may well be your best match as a partner in life, as a spouse.  The same is true for guys who might consider one of their best female friends.  My wife is also my best friend, and because of that I believe that it is the best combination possible.  Dating a friend cannot ruin a good friendship because real friends stay with you regardless of events.  If you truly are friends, dating such a person and then finding out the romantic feelings you need just are there should in no way hinder you from going back to being really good friends.  If anything, such an experience should only strengthen such a friendship.

2.  Make a career out of what thrills you — Our society sadly places a lot of emphasis on how much a person earns.  The thing is, what most of us want the most is happiness.  And that leads to the question of how happy can you be when you are making a ton of money in a job you hate?  At some point you burn out and start asking yourself why it was you got into that profession in the first place.  You ask yourself if it was really worth it.  When the time comes you can consider retirement, you should find it almost unthinkable as continuing in your chosen profession still thrills you.

3. Resolve all family issues — I have this saying, “all families are crazy, it’s just a matter of degree.”  I really believe that.  We only get one set of parents and they are gone too often too early.  My father died right before my 21st birthday, and I had so much left to say to him and talk to him about.  When my mother died, she was 89, I felt there was nothing I had left unsaid, and that felt really good.  You can pick your friends but you cannot pick your relatives.  That is not to say you have to be on good terms with all your relatives, but it is good to remember that the ones you would rather not see probably have no knowledge of your feeling that way. With such people politeness and kindness goes a long way, and requires nearly nothing from you.  And for those in your immediate family that you feel have done you some sort of egregious wrong, come to terms with the issue by either resolving it with the person involved, or, accepting that this person’s failure in your eyes needs to have minimal effect upon you as you go forth.  Do whatever it takes to make that statement true.  But at the end of the day, know in your heart that you have done your level best with your parents and siblings, and that nothing that needs saying, particularly “I love you,” is left unsaid.

5.  Make self-care a priority — This is the sort of selfishness that is in keeping with a healthy mind, body, and spirit.  It is natural for most people to think of other people first and themselves 2nd or 3rd or even lower.  That is always the wrong approach.  A healthy body is paramount to how a person feels about himself.  Eat properly, exercise moderately, and see a doctor and a dentist on a regular, scheduled, basis.  Being in your 20s is not a free pass for good health.  Women can develop breast cancer and cervical cancer in their 20s.  Men can get heart disease and diabetes in their 20s.  Worse, since during our 20s we feel the best about our general state of health, these diseases can go undiagnosed until they present a far greater health risk than would have happened with a regular checkup.  Also, pretty much everyone gets gum disease and cavities regardless of age.  People with the healthiest minds are those who realise the need to talk out their problems, regardless of the nature of the problem, with either an expert or someone they trust, a best friend.  Getting feedback on our problems requires us to consider what we are doing and that we might find a better way of doing things.  Or it might reassure us that we are doing the right thing or are okay.  And lastly, but maybe most importantly, we need to find a healthy outlet for our anxieties.  We need a healthy distraction that takes our attention away from weighty things and towards something that makes us feel good in a healthy way.  This needs to be practiced daily if possible, but be something we know we can turn to as needed.  Having taken care of ourselves in this manner, we find ourselves more appealing, more available, and more attentive to others, particularly those we love and care about.  It is difficult for anyone who is not healthy in any of these three respects, physically, mentally, and spiritually, to be at our best for those who need us.

6.  Never loan anyone money — This might seem a bit rash but it is not.  I remember years ago a guy who asked to borrow $5 from me with the promise he would pay me back.  He never has paid me back and I have never forgotten that.  He is also dead now.  What I knew, even before that incident, was that I should give the person the money requested with the understanding that they would not pay me back.  The only requirement I put on them is that the time will come that someone needs to borrow some money from them and when they give that person the money, I will have been paid back.  I also tell them I do not want to hear about how that happens for them.  Remember, it is impossible to cop a resentment over money you give away while it is far to easy to get resentful over money loaned and not repaid.

7.  Don’t worry over what people think about you — Everyone wants to be thought well of but that, of course, is an impossibility.  Regardless of where we are, there will be people who do not care for us.  Maybe they would even say they hate us.  The amount of weight that has is entirely dependent upon how we view it.  I know there are people who I do not want to be around and people who do not want to be around me.  I accept that.  Getting caught up in the reasons one person hates me, or whatever, is a fool’s task.  Short of asking them, I can never be certain.  I do need to ask myself why it is important for me to know and what I intend to do with the information if I were to get it.  I am most likely wasting time that could be better used in another direction entirely.  Being grateful for the friends I do have and being grateful for them is usually all I have to remember to make the fact that someone does not like me unimportant.

8.  Always have a Plan B — I actually learned this from my years on active duty in the army.  We used to like to say, “anything that can go wrong probably will, and at the worst possible moment.”  Keeping that in mind has told me that my initial plan, “Plan A,” may fail and that I will be well served to have a “Plan B” in the ready.  It doesn’t hurt to have a “Plan C” and a “Plan D” as well, depending upon how important success is.  Life loves to throw us curve balls which means we are going to be needing a “Plan B” a lot!

9.  Life is messy — This is the natural follow-on to the previous mention, having a Plan B.  Said Robert Burns in his famous poem “To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Plough,” said,

“But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!”

We make the perfect plan and still things go wrong, people do not react as we would hope, the weather does not cooperate, and our family drives us nuts.  But think how boring life would be were it predictable.  That challenge comes from meeting life’s messiness with the belief that we can persevere if only we do not allow things to get to us.

10.  Don’t take your self so damn seriously! — A couple of things that can quickly get us into trouble is our thinking how important our belief is or, worse, how important it is for us to be right, or worst of all, how important we are.  Throughout the history of man, all of the most important people who have ever lived have all died, sooner or later, and yet the world has not only gone on without them, but has done quite well.  Most of us have certain very strong beliefs that we are willing to fight for.  The thing with beliefs is, they are each and every one quite personal and unique to one person, ourself.  That is, it is difficult to find anyone who agrees 100% with any one of our beliefs 100% of the time.  While it is good to have strong beliefs, convictions, it is also good to remember that belief which differ from our own are equally important to their owner and deserving of respect.  A person who laughs at himself easily, is one other people will listen to respectfully.  And a person with strong convictions who respects another person of equally strong convictions, though they may be in direct opposition to his own, is a person whose convictions will gain consideration by those of other beliefs.

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The KISS Principle


I really like Gene Simmons but this is not about his band.  Nor is it about the affection one person shows another.  This is all about the process of thinking.  KISS is an acronym that means “Keep It Simple Sweetheart.”  It is really a very simple principle too but we humans seem to take great pride in complicating the hell out of just about everything.

I believe that just about every waking minute of our lives we are confronted with choices and questions.  Most of these we respond to in an automatic sort of way.  The answer is so obvious we do not waste a millisecond considering it.  And 999 time out of 1000 that is the correct response, the right answer.

But also every day, and numerous times every day, we are confronted with decisions that do require a varying degree of consideration.  One of the more common decisions comes when we are driving a car and come up on an intersection where the light has just turned yellow.  The correct response, every single time, is to stop, even when we are feeling rushed, late, and stressed.  Maybe even, particularly so at such times.  I believe we all know we should stop when we see the light turn yellow, but for some reason we decide it is worth it to take a chance of making it through the intersection safely.  But it is that one time in a thousand that we do not make it through safely that we should stop every time.  The simple answer here is, stopping every time keeps it simple.

We human love to think about what we believe is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and even next year.  Such thinking can, and many times does, lead us to obsessing over trying to plan or worrying about what we perceive the future holds.  We seem to go through this long list of “what if” which is an exercise in insanity as such things are almost impossible to predict.  The keep it simple principle says that you figure out what you can do, right now, about the impending situation and then put it out of your mind.   What is really important tomorrow is of little or no import today.  Having made the decision on how to proceed tomorrow we need to return our focus to what we are doing today.

Another situation is how we human love to think we know how someone is going to respond to us.  We, for example, would love someone to do something for us but since we see what we want of this person to be a “big thing” we decide that they will of course turn us down.  That is always a bad analysis even when we believe we have compelling evidence to support our perception.  The thing is, is cannot possibly know how a person is going to respond to and answer a question until you ask them.  The keep it simple principle says that you can never ever think you know how a person is going to respond.  And that includes when you do get the response you expected because until the other person has responded, you just cannot know for certain.

Another thing we humans love to do is over plan things.  A situation will arise that is particularly important to us, say a large get together.  We are responsible for planning the event but then we try to compensate for every conceivable situation imaginable.  But the two things we try to control are usually the most unreasonable.  First we try to figure out what everyone is going to want or need.  We drive ourselves nuts trying to accommodate all those perceived needs and desires.  The keep it simple principle says that you go only as far as is reasonable in accommodations.  A funny thing happens when you make a simple plan and stick to it, people will generally accommodate themselves to that plan rather than the other way around.  The second keep it simple principle says that where the weather is important to an event, do your best to choose wisely and then put it out of your mind.  Fabulous weddings happen on stormy days, even when everyone wishes for something different.  I picked the weather because it is one of the best examples of something we humans have absolutely no control over.  Our recognition of those things we have no control over helps us achieve the greatest success possible.

The basis of the KISS principle is focus.  When any sort of decision is in the offing, stay focused on that decision alone.  Avoid dragging in anything peripheral to it as that just tends to confuse things and cloud the decision-making process.  Always ask yourself how much you can do right this moment that will have an effect on the decision.  Once you have done everything you can do right now, let the rest of it go until you are either at the decision point or at a point when there is something else you can do.  The most difficult part of this process is accepting those things you have no control over.  But once you have done that, it is amazing the clarity you get with regards to your future.

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Perception and Fear: The Deadly Duo


Dr. Phil likes to say, “perception is reality.”  What he means is, whatever a person perceives is his reality.  The problem is, where does that perception come from?  It is only human that many of our perceptions are rooted in our fears, and that is a recipe for disaster.

I was brought up in the “pull yourself up by your bootstaps” era.  We also did not talk about the elephant in the living room.  Those two things are also bad behaviors.  The elephant in the living room is rooted in the belief that we do not wash our laundry in public, and, we fear what people will think of us.  And there it is.

Ever since I can remember I had this conversation going on in my head as to what people were thinking about me, how I was perceived.  The problem with that sort of thinking is, it is usually wrong.  The thing is, it is impossible to know what any other person is thinking until we ask the question.  In the absence of their answer, we really do not know what they are thinking and it is a disservice to that person to impose our thoughts on them.  It is also foolishly selfish because it assumes they are thinking something about us at all when in all likelihood, they are having no so thoughts.  One of my old, and long running thoughts, was that a person did not like me because they were not talking to me.  I got over that many years ago when I figured out they had not even considered whether or not they liked me or not.  And a funny thing happened, when I discovered most people liked me, it totally overshadowed those who did not.   Usually it is irrelevant what another person thinks.

At the bottom of this like/dislike things were my fears.  For too many years I had allowed my fears to rule my life.  I was afraid of both success and failure, not knowing how to handle either.  What I have discovered is that fear exists only as we allow it, and only in the absence of knowledge and experience.  I think everyone has a fear of rejection but the truth is, everyone experiences rejection at some time in their life, and usually on numerous occasions.  Rejection is never a pleasant thing but it is a part of life.  I have found that simply accepting the concept that rejection is going to happen, and, that it is seldom person, I have a lot easier time with it.

The person who says he does not experience fear is a liar.  Everyone does.  It is a normal and natural part of the human experience of life.  Fear is a defense mechanism that was devised way back when we were mainly hunter-gatherers and living in caves.  Every fear I have today exists because I lack the information necessary to bring about comfort.  One of the best cures for my fears has been talking about them, even at the risk of serious embarrassment to myself.  By sharing my fears with someone else, I have found that almost without exception I have the very same fears as many many other people.  There is a lot of comfort to be found in that.  But also, these same people give me ideas, and sometimes answers, to overcoming the fear, regardless of what it is.

I was once told that fear is really an acronym that means Face Everything And Recover.  That is, if I face my fears head-on, if I do not avoid them, I can get past them with a lot less pain that I would otherwise experience.  I identify what my fear is, what is behind it, and what I need to do to recover from its negative effect on me.

When I allow perception and fear to occupy too much space in my head, I am in trouble.  Perception is fine as a starting point, but I always need to either verify or disprove my perception with the facts, the truth.  The truth is not always fun or pretty, but it beats the hell out of unfounded perceptions.  Fear also has a place in my life but it cannot either rule or control my life, my actions.  It is my job, on a daily basis, to accept any fear I have as a temporary reality that needs to be replaced by knowledge and a plan to keep moving in a positive direction.

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Bits of Wisdom


I am at a place in my life where I can reflect on all I have learned and the wisdom of the years I have gained.  The wisdom comes from a combination of personal experience, and what others have told me.  Some of these lessons were hard learned.  I was warned in advance of negative personal experience of what I could expect, and yet I did it anyway.  Those lessons are tough, but you never forget them either.  I want to share some of those things.  I am not putting them in any particular order, just as I think of them.

You do not have to go to every fight you are invited to.  What this means is, people are going to confront me and challenge me.  Some are them are looking for a fight, verbal, emotional, or something else.  It is my experience that most of those fights are not worth having.  Such fights are commonplace in families.  But when I take a moment to think about what is being said, I usually come to the conclusion that I do not need to add my two cents.  Even when directly challenged, I am usually better served in allowing the person the victory they are looking for.  It is a funny thing, after a while these people stop bothering you.

Do you want to be right or happy?  I used to have to be right all the time.  I drove myself nuts.  I worked so hard being right I did not have time for much of anything else.  This particular saying goes along with the previous one.  If I were taking a position in a discussion with someone who was of the opposing feeling, it was my mindset that would have me doggedly arguing with the person to get the “win.”  But what was I winning?  These days I am entirely happy with making a point and then letting go.

My feelings are never unique.  I used to go around feeling various things and believing that I was alone with those feelings.  A funny thing happened when I talked to other people about my feelings, I found other people who shared the exact same feelings.  That included even some of my craziest feelings that I felt too ashamed to bring to the light of day.  But once exposed, I saw those feelings were always shared with someone and never unique.

I have a God of my misunderstanding.  How do you understand a supernatural being when you only have human terms to use?  You cannot and it is for that reason that I have decided I have a God the way I understand Him but I always temper that by saying it is likely a misunderstanding.  It just happens to be the best I can do at any given moment.

Don’t take yourself too seriously.  This is the admonition against thinking I am the center of the universe.  To Red Sox do not lose games because I was watching them or did something I should not have done.  It does not just rain on me.  No one is out to get me.  My importance in the universe is extremely small, tiny, but that is a good thing.  The world got along just fine before I was born and will continue to do so after I die.

I am responsible.  This simply means I have to take responsibility for all of my actions, and I must do so as the occasion arises.  Being responsible does not allow for procrastination.  And that means I am responsible for taking care of myself in all respects.

Judge slowly, forgive quickly.  It used to be I would take someone’s inventory and judge them in about one minute, if not less, and that was before I ever heard them say a word.  That is a terrible thing to do to anyone.  I am not giving a person a chance when I act that way.  I also always have to be cognizant of the idea that I am seldom in a position to pass judgement on anyone for their actions as I am seldom aware of all the facts.  But in that same way, when I have been wronged I can get past it far more quickly if I forgive the person quickly.  Holding resentments is a huge waste of time.  I have found that when someone wrongs me  I do better by assigning their action to a demon they are fighting and that it really has nothing to do with me.

A little gratitude will kill a big case of the blues.  I say to people, “you know how I know it is going to be a good day?”  When they say “no,” I say it is because I woke up.  Each day is full of promise and it is up to me to take advantage of what is placed in front of me.

Well, those are a few of the ideals I live by these days.  I hope some might work for you.

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Life is Messy


Every now and then someone relates some of their family history and the crazy things that happen within their family. They present the story as a sort of “see how crazy my family is!”  My response is always the same, “all families are crazy, it’s just a matter of degree.”  By extension, that means all normal families are crazy.  It is just a matter of the details peculiar to that family. But in general, they are just simply crazy.

A few years ago a friend of mine was telling me about a part of her life she was not too proud of.  She had spent a week in jail once.  To say I was shocked is an understatement.  You see, she is someone everyone sees as the all American mom sort.  She is happily married, has two young children, and an MBA degree which helps her to a very substantial income.  When I asked her what she went to jail for, she very nonchalantly said it was for larceny over $200.  It turns out it was actually her boyfriend who had done the theft but she was present when it happened.  She pleaded out and got time served plus two years of probation.  If I were to show you a picture of her today with her husband and kids you would probably say, “no way!”

I had another friend who died about six years ago from lung cancer.   It turns out that his cancer was quite curable but a lack of early treatment, doctor’s fault, caused it to move to other organs.  He sued and won, of course.  I remember saying to him that he must really be angry.  The doctor had served a death sentence upon him.  He told me he was at first and then he came to terms with it.  When I asked him how you come to terms with having your life ended prematurely he said, “life is messy.”  I didn’t get it at first but after a lot of reflection I did.  He had arrived at a point where staying angry served no useful purpose and he wanted to enjoy the time he had left.  He enjoyed it, richly.

I thought about that for a long time, years.  I have come to the conclusion that life, external of human manipulation, is always and ultimately fair.  I hear people say how unfair something is.  A person dies in his 40s from cancer and they say how unfair that is.  But it is fair.  It is not like cancer decides to pick on a particular individual while sparing another.  It doesn’t.  It is not different from the flu.  Some get it, some don’t.  These things can be very sad, but they are always fair.

Most people are good.  They follow the rules, are usually polite, and give when they can.  We all, at one time or another, cross paths with someone who is not good.  They cause us grief and pain.  Sometimes it costs us money, other times health, and other times peace of mind.  These people can cause a serious mess in our lives but if we allow it to be anything more than the messiness of life, then we allow it to have more power over us than is right.

You hear people say “shit happens.”  That is way to negative for me.  I prefer “life happens.”  Some of it is not much fun though.  But I have found that by seeing life as a never-ending series of events, many of which are messy, then it is difficult for life to pitch me a curve ball I can’t handle.

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Life is Really Good!


After my last post I am willing to bet there are a bunch of people who think I must be a pretty angry person.  Au contraire!!  I really love life, and if there is a God behind all of this then I am extremely grateful.

I have been through and seen some pretty horrible things during my life.  There are more beautiful things in nature than I can ever hope to see and experience.  Additionally, there are so many beautiful people in the world.  I do not miss these things.

There was a time that I had the feeling that “life sucks then you die.”  No more!  I discovered the universe and its wonders.  There is so much of it I still want to see, to learn about, and to discover.  There are more things than I have time but I am going to do my best to see and experience as much as possible.