living

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Getting a Clue


Sometimes when I explain my actions when I was young I will say, “I was young and dumb, with an emphasis on dumb.”   As I have gotten older, I have come to see just how little I knew when I was young, and how good it would have been if I had had a few more clues than I did.  I am going to try, in no particular order, the present what a few of those clues should have been.

Clue One:  Everything will be all right.  When I was just 10 years old my father had his first heart attack. Until that time everything had been all right.  But his heart attack brought into sharp focus how unpredictable life can be.  My mother, a registered nurse, took really good care of him.  But we were told that he might not live.  Fortunately he did, and for another 11 years at that.  But it was at that point I really needed to hear my first “everything will be all right.”  This was not a short-coming of my mother but a societal short-coming.   Parenting was a strictly on-the-job training experience.   And in this case, no one was there to tell my mother that everything will be all right.  My point is:  we really have very little control over what happens in our present and our future.  In reality we can only control our own actions, reactions and thoughts.  After that, we really have only a little control over our kids, our pets, and pretty much everything else.  Kids, pets and everyone else are going to do what they want regardless of how we feel.  But if we take care of ourselves and do our best along with doing the next right thing, for the most part, things will be all right.  Still, we need to hear that reassurance from those closest to us.  And in that respect, we need to choose our friends wisely.

Clue two:  Learn to study.  I went through 12 years of public school and 7 years of college without ever running into a course on how to study.  For that reason, at the end of my junior year in high school I had to transfer to a prep school, repeat my junior year, and continue on with my education.  Part of my problem was, as my mother use to put it, I was just too smart for my own good.  That is, from grades one through five I existed entirely on my own intelligence and ability to grasp what was put in front of me.  That meant I did not need to study to get an A.  The change started in the fifth grade.  My grades went from all As to Bs, Bs and Cs and in high school Cs and Ds.  As things got more difficult, I had no process for overcoming the challenges before me.  The only thing prep school did was it took away television and mobility from me.  By restricting some of my actions I was, in effect, forced to work harder on my school work.  My grades improved and in my senior year I was doing well enough to get into a very good college.  Once in college, however, I was entirely overwhelmed and it took only a semester for me to drop out.  Over the next decade and a half I struggled to get through college, but finally did.

There is nothing natural about studying.  I think some people, a very few, are self-motivated enough to be single minded about education which carries them through their education.  But for most of us, someone needs to tell us how to successfully study.  It turns out that study is not difficult, but it does require a degree of structure and commitment.  Without that, most of us flail around until we either “get it” or fail.  One of the most effective study techniques is really just asking the teacher/professor questions relative to those things we do not understand.  But this requires our belief system to understand that, regardless of how our questions sound or the other person’s reaction to them, they are necessary and we will be all right.

Clue Three:  Always be honest.  Most people will say they are honest.  And to some degree that will true.  The problem is simple, our perception of what being honest is like.  If you were to ask those same people if it is all right to tell a lie to save someone’s feelings, most would say that it is.  But what that statement really says is that they are willing to compromise with the truth.  If you asked that same group of people if they have ever exaggerated things they have accomplished they would probably say they had.  Again, honesty is compromised.

I believe there are two main reasons people lie, shame and fear.  We do something that we feel ashamed of and when confronted with what we’ve done, the tendency is to deny and effectively lie.  The other thing, when we do not want to say something which may hurt someone’s feelings, is to tell them what we think they want to hear.  But the dishonesty there is that we deny the person the right to deal with their own feelings speculating that our judgment is superior to their ability to handle bad news.  We tell ourselves that we are doing the right thing when in fact we are not.  But since we tend to repeat such actions over and over, in time we convince ourselves that it is the right thing to do.  We have become dishonest with ourselves, a truly fatal flaw.

Clue Four: Take care of yourself.  That phrase, take care of yourself, is rather commonly used when two people are parting ways, another way of saying good-bye.  But my meaning is the literal, take care of yourself.  That means in mind, body and spirit.  Of those three, the spirit is by far the most important.  I look as spirit as that part of ourselves that when things get tough, we find the inner strength to push through, and in the end, expect that everything will be all right.  That can be really tough, particularly when we are facing life altering or even possible life ending things.  But in the mundane, everyday things, our spirit is what tells us that we need to get out and exercise, go to the doctor when we feel sick, and tell someone of our problems, particularly when we are feeling overwhelmed.

Self-care becomes particularly difficult when the thing we are up against is somehow shameful in our mind.  It is at that exact time that we need to confide in someone and unless we have trained ourselves to do that, we will opt for pushing down inside ourselves, totally contrary to the ideal of self-care.

It took me a long time to figure out something which should have been obvious.  If I take care of all the little things in my life, the big things will work out and everything will be all right.  Feeling good about myself and my future is all about taking care of myself today.

Clue Five:  Give a damn!  I think one of the reasons I embraced liberal politics was this inner belief that when reasonable, we need to help other people.  There are times in our lives when we need to be selfless and give of ourselves to another person.  Simply put, it means that when someone needs our help, within reason, we help them.  A friend of mine once told me of an experience he had with his mother.  They were out one day when they came across a homeless man.  His mother gave him twenty dollars and told him to give it to the man.  He objected saying why not ten or five, thinking twenty was too much.  She told him that was God lying there.

But helping is usually much easier than that.  Most of the time it simply means we listen to someone who is troubled, trying to understand them, and help them, where possible, through their trouble.  Because if we do take the time to listen to someone else is means, for us, everything will be all right.

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A Few Words of Advice to Gen Y From a Baby Boomer


One thing having lived a lot of years does for you, it gives you a ton of perspective.  Here are a few things I have learned along the way, only too often the hard way.

1.  Marry your best friend — That’s right!  The guy or woman you want is your best friend.  Marriages generally end over three things, money, trust, and communication.  Consider, that person you consider your best friend is a person you would hate to lie to, would trust with your life, and will tell pretty much everything.  And that is exactly the type of person, if not the person you want to marry.

(January 4, 2013 amendment)  A response I received to this section of this post, though maybe given a bit tongue-in-cheek, did none-the-less give me pause to think I had been less than clear, and that there is more to say.

From experience I known people say “we are just friends” and by extension say “why would I want to ruin a good friendship.”  The backdrop to such statements is the consideration of dating such a person, and that dating a friend might ruin a good friendship that you value.  I am asserting that such a belief is absolutely wrong.

If you are a woman and have some really good friends who are male, one of them may well be your best match as a partner in life, as a spouse.  The same is true for guys who might consider one of their best female friends.  My wife is also my best friend, and because of that I believe that it is the best combination possible.  Dating a friend cannot ruin a good friendship because real friends stay with you regardless of events.  If you truly are friends, dating such a person and then finding out the romantic feelings you need just are there should in no way hinder you from going back to being really good friends.  If anything, such an experience should only strengthen such a friendship.

2.  Make a career out of what thrills you — Our society sadly places a lot of emphasis on how much a person earns.  The thing is, what most of us want the most is happiness.  And that leads to the question of how happy can you be when you are making a ton of money in a job you hate?  At some point you burn out and start asking yourself why it was you got into that profession in the first place.  You ask yourself if it was really worth it.  When the time comes you can consider retirement, you should find it almost unthinkable as continuing in your chosen profession still thrills you.

3. Resolve all family issues — I have this saying, “all families are crazy, it’s just a matter of degree.”  I really believe that.  We only get one set of parents and they are gone too often too early.  My father died right before my 21st birthday, and I had so much left to say to him and talk to him about.  When my mother died, she was 89, I felt there was nothing I had left unsaid, and that felt really good.  You can pick your friends but you cannot pick your relatives.  That is not to say you have to be on good terms with all your relatives, but it is good to remember that the ones you would rather not see probably have no knowledge of your feeling that way. With such people politeness and kindness goes a long way, and requires nearly nothing from you.  And for those in your immediate family that you feel have done you some sort of egregious wrong, come to terms with the issue by either resolving it with the person involved, or, accepting that this person’s failure in your eyes needs to have minimal effect upon you as you go forth.  Do whatever it takes to make that statement true.  But at the end of the day, know in your heart that you have done your level best with your parents and siblings, and that nothing that needs saying, particularly “I love you,” is left unsaid.

5.  Make self-care a priority — This is the sort of selfishness that is in keeping with a healthy mind, body, and spirit.  It is natural for most people to think of other people first and themselves 2nd or 3rd or even lower.  That is always the wrong approach.  A healthy body is paramount to how a person feels about himself.  Eat properly, exercise moderately, and see a doctor and a dentist on a regular, scheduled, basis.  Being in your 20s is not a free pass for good health.  Women can develop breast cancer and cervical cancer in their 20s.  Men can get heart disease and diabetes in their 20s.  Worse, since during our 20s we feel the best about our general state of health, these diseases can go undiagnosed until they present a far greater health risk than would have happened with a regular checkup.  Also, pretty much everyone gets gum disease and cavities regardless of age.  People with the healthiest minds are those who realise the need to talk out their problems, regardless of the nature of the problem, with either an expert or someone they trust, a best friend.  Getting feedback on our problems requires us to consider what we are doing and that we might find a better way of doing things.  Or it might reassure us that we are doing the right thing or are okay.  And lastly, but maybe most importantly, we need to find a healthy outlet for our anxieties.  We need a healthy distraction that takes our attention away from weighty things and towards something that makes us feel good in a healthy way.  This needs to be practiced daily if possible, but be something we know we can turn to as needed.  Having taken care of ourselves in this manner, we find ourselves more appealing, more available, and more attentive to others, particularly those we love and care about.  It is difficult for anyone who is not healthy in any of these three respects, physically, mentally, and spiritually, to be at our best for those who need us.

6.  Never loan anyone money — This might seem a bit rash but it is not.  I remember years ago a guy who asked to borrow $5 from me with the promise he would pay me back.  He never has paid me back and I have never forgotten that.  He is also dead now.  What I knew, even before that incident, was that I should give the person the money requested with the understanding that they would not pay me back.  The only requirement I put on them is that the time will come that someone needs to borrow some money from them and when they give that person the money, I will have been paid back.  I also tell them I do not want to hear about how that happens for them.  Remember, it is impossible to cop a resentment over money you give away while it is far to easy to get resentful over money loaned and not repaid.

7.  Don’t worry over what people think about you — Everyone wants to be thought well of but that, of course, is an impossibility.  Regardless of where we are, there will be people who do not care for us.  Maybe they would even say they hate us.  The amount of weight that has is entirely dependent upon how we view it.  I know there are people who I do not want to be around and people who do not want to be around me.  I accept that.  Getting caught up in the reasons one person hates me, or whatever, is a fool’s task.  Short of asking them, I can never be certain.  I do need to ask myself why it is important for me to know and what I intend to do with the information if I were to get it.  I am most likely wasting time that could be better used in another direction entirely.  Being grateful for the friends I do have and being grateful for them is usually all I have to remember to make the fact that someone does not like me unimportant.

8.  Always have a Plan B — I actually learned this from my years on active duty in the army.  We used to like to say, “anything that can go wrong probably will, and at the worst possible moment.”  Keeping that in mind has told me that my initial plan, “Plan A,” may fail and that I will be well served to have a “Plan B” in the ready.  It doesn’t hurt to have a “Plan C” and a “Plan D” as well, depending upon how important success is.  Life loves to throw us curve balls which means we are going to be needing a “Plan B” a lot!

9.  Life is messy — This is the natural follow-on to the previous mention, having a Plan B.  Said Robert Burns in his famous poem “To a Mouse, on Turning Her Up in Her Nest with the Plough,” said,

“But little Mouse, you are not alone,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best laid schemes of mice and men
Go often awry,
And leave us nothing but grief and pain,
For promised joy!”

We make the perfect plan and still things go wrong, people do not react as we would hope, the weather does not cooperate, and our family drives us nuts.  But think how boring life would be were it predictable.  That challenge comes from meeting life’s messiness with the belief that we can persevere if only we do not allow things to get to us.

10.  Don’t take your self so damn seriously! — A couple of things that can quickly get us into trouble is our thinking how important our belief is or, worse, how important it is for us to be right, or worst of all, how important we are.  Throughout the history of man, all of the most important people who have ever lived have all died, sooner or later, and yet the world has not only gone on without them, but has done quite well.  Most of us have certain very strong beliefs that we are willing to fight for.  The thing with beliefs is, they are each and every one quite personal and unique to one person, ourself.  That is, it is difficult to find anyone who agrees 100% with any one of our beliefs 100% of the time.  While it is good to have strong beliefs, convictions, it is also good to remember that belief which differ from our own are equally important to their owner and deserving of respect.  A person who laughs at himself easily, is one other people will listen to respectfully.  And a person with strong convictions who respects another person of equally strong convictions, though they may be in direct opposition to his own, is a person whose convictions will gain consideration by those of other beliefs.

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Perception and Fear: The Deadly Duo


Dr. Phil likes to say, “perception is reality.”  What he means is, whatever a person perceives is his reality.  The problem is, where does that perception come from?  It is only human that many of our perceptions are rooted in our fears, and that is a recipe for disaster.

I was brought up in the “pull yourself up by your bootstaps” era.  We also did not talk about the elephant in the living room.  Those two things are also bad behaviors.  The elephant in the living room is rooted in the belief that we do not wash our laundry in public, and, we fear what people will think of us.  And there it is.

Ever since I can remember I had this conversation going on in my head as to what people were thinking about me, how I was perceived.  The problem with that sort of thinking is, it is usually wrong.  The thing is, it is impossible to know what any other person is thinking until we ask the question.  In the absence of their answer, we really do not know what they are thinking and it is a disservice to that person to impose our thoughts on them.  It is also foolishly selfish because it assumes they are thinking something about us at all when in all likelihood, they are having no so thoughts.  One of my old, and long running thoughts, was that a person did not like me because they were not talking to me.  I got over that many years ago when I figured out they had not even considered whether or not they liked me or not.  And a funny thing happened, when I discovered most people liked me, it totally overshadowed those who did not.   Usually it is irrelevant what another person thinks.

At the bottom of this like/dislike things were my fears.  For too many years I had allowed my fears to rule my life.  I was afraid of both success and failure, not knowing how to handle either.  What I have discovered is that fear exists only as we allow it, and only in the absence of knowledge and experience.  I think everyone has a fear of rejection but the truth is, everyone experiences rejection at some time in their life, and usually on numerous occasions.  Rejection is never a pleasant thing but it is a part of life.  I have found that simply accepting the concept that rejection is going to happen, and, that it is seldom person, I have a lot easier time with it.

The person who says he does not experience fear is a liar.  Everyone does.  It is a normal and natural part of the human experience of life.  Fear is a defense mechanism that was devised way back when we were mainly hunter-gatherers and living in caves.  Every fear I have today exists because I lack the information necessary to bring about comfort.  One of the best cures for my fears has been talking about them, even at the risk of serious embarrassment to myself.  By sharing my fears with someone else, I have found that almost without exception I have the very same fears as many many other people.  There is a lot of comfort to be found in that.  But also, these same people give me ideas, and sometimes answers, to overcoming the fear, regardless of what it is.

I was once told that fear is really an acronym that means Face Everything And Recover.  That is, if I face my fears head-on, if I do not avoid them, I can get past them with a lot less pain that I would otherwise experience.  I identify what my fear is, what is behind it, and what I need to do to recover from its negative effect on me.

When I allow perception and fear to occupy too much space in my head, I am in trouble.  Perception is fine as a starting point, but I always need to either verify or disprove my perception with the facts, the truth.  The truth is not always fun or pretty, but it beats the hell out of unfounded perceptions.  Fear also has a place in my life but it cannot either rule or control my life, my actions.  It is my job, on a daily basis, to accept any fear I have as a temporary reality that needs to be replaced by knowledge and a plan to keep moving in a positive direction.

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Bits of Wisdom


I am at a place in my life where I can reflect on all I have learned and the wisdom of the years I have gained.  The wisdom comes from a combination of personal experience, and what others have told me.  Some of these lessons were hard learned.  I was warned in advance of negative personal experience of what I could expect, and yet I did it anyway.  Those lessons are tough, but you never forget them either.  I want to share some of those things.  I am not putting them in any particular order, just as I think of them.

You do not have to go to every fight you are invited to.  What this means is, people are going to confront me and challenge me.  Some are them are looking for a fight, verbal, emotional, or something else.  It is my experience that most of those fights are not worth having.  Such fights are commonplace in families.  But when I take a moment to think about what is being said, I usually come to the conclusion that I do not need to add my two cents.  Even when directly challenged, I am usually better served in allowing the person the victory they are looking for.  It is a funny thing, after a while these people stop bothering you.

Do you want to be right or happy?  I used to have to be right all the time.  I drove myself nuts.  I worked so hard being right I did not have time for much of anything else.  This particular saying goes along with the previous one.  If I were taking a position in a discussion with someone who was of the opposing feeling, it was my mindset that would have me doggedly arguing with the person to get the “win.”  But what was I winning?  These days I am entirely happy with making a point and then letting go.

My feelings are never unique.  I used to go around feeling various things and believing that I was alone with those feelings.  A funny thing happened when I talked to other people about my feelings, I found other people who shared the exact same feelings.  That included even some of my craziest feelings that I felt too ashamed to bring to the light of day.  But once exposed, I saw those feelings were always shared with someone and never unique.

I have a God of my misunderstanding.  How do you understand a supernatural being when you only have human terms to use?  You cannot and it is for that reason that I have decided I have a God the way I understand Him but I always temper that by saying it is likely a misunderstanding.  It just happens to be the best I can do at any given moment.

Don’t take yourself too seriously.  This is the admonition against thinking I am the center of the universe.  To Red Sox do not lose games because I was watching them or did something I should not have done.  It does not just rain on me.  No one is out to get me.  My importance in the universe is extremely small, tiny, but that is a good thing.  The world got along just fine before I was born and will continue to do so after I die.

I am responsible.  This simply means I have to take responsibility for all of my actions, and I must do so as the occasion arises.  Being responsible does not allow for procrastination.  And that means I am responsible for taking care of myself in all respects.

Judge slowly, forgive quickly.  It used to be I would take someone’s inventory and judge them in about one minute, if not less, and that was before I ever heard them say a word.  That is a terrible thing to do to anyone.  I am not giving a person a chance when I act that way.  I also always have to be cognizant of the idea that I am seldom in a position to pass judgement on anyone for their actions as I am seldom aware of all the facts.  But in that same way, when I have been wronged I can get past it far more quickly if I forgive the person quickly.  Holding resentments is a huge waste of time.  I have found that when someone wrongs me  I do better by assigning their action to a demon they are fighting and that it really has nothing to do with me.

A little gratitude will kill a big case of the blues.  I say to people, “you know how I know it is going to be a good day?”  When they say “no,” I say it is because I woke up.  Each day is full of promise and it is up to me to take advantage of what is placed in front of me.

Well, those are a few of the ideals I live by these days.  I hope some might work for you.

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You Can Be Happy But Only If You Want To


I spent too much of my life being unhappy for no good reason.  I had plenty of bad things happen to me, which I was quick to point out, and I used those things as reasons for not being happy.  What a bunch of crap that was!

What I have found out at this end of my life is there are only a few things I need to do to be really happy.  But there are also a lot of things I need to be aware of that keep me from being as happy as is possible.

I used to do a lot of things that got between me and happiness.  First, I used to stare at the past and bemoan it.  What I mean is, I would look at the various bad things that happened and feel sorry for myself.  Instead of using them as learning experiences, I allowed them to take me over and rule my feelings.  What I did not seem to understand was that I could not do a thing about what had happened to me.  And if I did not allow the past to negatively affect me, it would not.  I also used the “what if” or “if only” in looking over my past.  I would say “what if I had done this” or “if only I had not done that” and generally sit on the pity pot whining.  What I should have said to myself was, “You know what?  What happened to you was really crappy.  Now, do all in your power to see that it does not happen again and move on!”

Resentments cause people more loss of sleep and more distress than is necessary.  A resentment is me drinking some poison when I think badly of someone else and waiting for them to be affected by the poison.  I know, it is nuts!  But that is what we do when we decide to cop a resentment.  What good does it do?  None!  But I have also found that too my of my resentments are me seeing something in some else that I hate because it is something in me I hate.  If I find myself heading towards a resentment these days I stop myself.  I have far better things to do with my thinking time.  Resentments are never happy things and I simply do not have the time to waste on unhappy things.

There are some other things I do to keep myself happy.  I seldom take things personally even when it appears someone is launching a personal attack against me.  I have found that most times those people have something else going on and I am a convenient target at that moment.  At such times I remind myself that most likely the person has issues they are dealing with and I just let the whole incident go.  I definitely do not get into a fight with them, and allow them to “win” if that is what they are after.  It does not happen a lot that I need to defend a position.

These days I truly believe that I know it is going to be a good day simply because I woke up that day.  That might sound strange, but consider the alternative.  I see the beginning of every day as a chance to enjoy something.  Most days I find lots of things.  Animals are always a great source of pleasure.  I simply watch them moving around doing whatever.  The question in my mind at such times is “what are they doing?”  or I simply think that what they are doing is interesting.  More importantly, I have found that my energy level is generally reflected back in the animal’s actions.  If I am calm, so are they.

I seldom get angry.  What is the point?  How many things can happen to me in a year, let alone a day, that require my anger?  The key word in that sentence is “require.”  I think it entirely human for anger to flare from time-to-time but it is how I deal with it that makes all the difference.  It is very seldom that I truly have any need to show or voice my anger.  When I feel my anger rising I am quick to ask myself if it is truly necessary.  Usually the answer is no.

I find it very easy to let things go these day.  Recently I have had some things stolen from me and I got angry over it.  I despise theft.  But after my brief visit with anger I work hard to get over it and let it go.  People who would steal from me are just sick.  There is nothing I can do about them.  More importantly, I let go of the idea long ago that I have much control over anything after I finish controlling myself.  This is particularly true of other people.  I can let it be known how I feel and that I wish someone to act differently but I cannot force them to acquiesce to my desires.  That means, once I have let my desires know, I let go of whatever it is that has prompted me to be vocal.  That means I usually quickly forget whatever it was that bothered me in the first place.  I have moved on to more important things.

When someone requests my help I usually give it to them.  This is something that makes me really happy.  I consider it a gift when someone desires my help considering they could request it from so many others.  Even more, I expect nothing in return.  And most of the time, I refuse anything in return.  That mostly happens when someone offers me money.  I am really happy that they simply say thank you.  That makes my time given them a gift.  There is an old saying, you have to give it away to get it.  Whatever I give to someone I find gets returned to me many many times over.

I have also decided that loneliness is generally something that can be overcome quickly.  Most of the time I know when I am going to be alone.  It is at those times that I have made plans to have something to amuse myself with.  Frequently that means I have a book with me.

I really believe that most home runs are hit when you are thrown a curve.  It certainly is true in baseball so why not in life?  When life throws me a curve, is that not a time for me to shine and show what I can do?

I think life is really mostly about what you make of it.  If you are going to be angry, morose, petty, vindictive, resentful, and a host of other negative things, you are not going to be left with much time to be happy.  Our negative feelings are just reminders that we need to be happy.