The Roman Catholic Church has to change, particularly in America. It needs to allow women to become priests and it needs to allow priests to marry. Up until 1139 priests were allowed to marry. The idea behind it was to separate priests from a sinful world. The hypocrisy there was that priests were, and still are, sinful themselves. They are human, they screw up, the have to go to confession. At the time it was meant to insure the morality of the priesthood.
That worked up until the mid-20th Century when those men entering the priesthood declined. And the decline continues. There are places in America where churches have no priest permanently assigned, the duties being taken over by a deacon or by a priest who travels from one parish to another.
The American Catholic Church is so arrogant that when Poland offered to send priests to cover parishes in American they were declined! Maybe they were embarrassed that the word would get out that most Sunday masses in America are only lightly attended.
This brings me to my issue with the Church. I am a divorced Catholic and have been so since 1988. Because I am now remarried I cannot receive communion, central to the Catholic service. Curiously, I have been told by more than one priest that were I to stand in front of him to receive communion, and he knowing I was divorced and remarried, he would not deny me. I mention that because there appears to be a large group of priests who believe the prohibition is ridiculous.
There is a remedy according to Rome. A divorced Catholic must petition the Pope to have his marriage annulled. Now understand, an annulment, according to Catholicism, means no marriage occurred in the first place. I have three beautiful children by my first wife. I refuse to insult them, or my former wife, by getting an annulment. But I want my church back.
I firmly believe that were Jesus to come back just to visit the Pope and his college of cardinals, he would have some very harsh words for them. I think they need to read that part of the Bible which speaks of the shepherd who leaves 99 sheep in search of the mission one.
marriage
How To Know If You Are in a Healthy Relationship
Not every relationship comes to an end but many do. Marriages, lovers, friends, all have a time in their life when they realized what was once a great relationship simply has ceased to exist. The smart person is not afraid to recognize such a situation and do one of two things. First, they can reach out to the other person and after telling that person they believe their relationship has died or is in its death throws but that they want to see if it can be resurrected. Or, they can simply walk away after telling the other person that their relationship is over and they have no desire to fix it.
Of the three above mentioned relationships the marriage reigns supreme, of course. That relationship seldom comes to an end because the actions of one person accounts for 100% of the problems. I believe that most have somewhere between a 60/40 and a 50/50 responsibility. To me that says most relationships, at least within that range, are repairable and with a minimal amount of pain. But then there is that relationship where one party accounts for 70 to 80% of the issues. Still, the partners in such a relationship should seek outside help and get an unbiased assessment of where they stand.
I think it likely that when a relationship hits the 70% plus fault it is probably time to call it quits. For some reason women are predisposed to hanging in there, their usual reason being “for the kids.” To that person I would say, your unhealthy relationship with your husband, or your wife, is hurting your children more than you realize. And by keeping the marriage alive via life-support only exacerbates the pain the children feel.
For the most part, children love both their parents equally and want both of them around all the time. But children are very poor judges of what is good for them. That is one of the reason we are legally, if not morally, bound to the care of our children. And since children are like sponges, taking in everything they see and hear around them. But when those things are negative, they tend to believe that those negative things are the way the world works. That of course is simply not true. That is a relationship that necessarily needs a great deal of work to get it fixed or the couple needs to think of their children and separate.
We tend to take what we learn about relationships we have in our teens and twenties as how things “have to be.” It is my experience that most of those conclusions are not only wrong, but are so wrong the put in jeopardy the success of all future relationships.
The most important part of a relationship is honesty and trust. Now that might sound like two separate things, and they can certainly be taken separately, but in a relationship they must be held as one principle with neither being more important to other. To the contrary, the one relies upon the other for success. We trust people because we know we can count of their truthfulness with us. They are also reliable but that is the second most important factor.
There are two kinds of relatable truths: the easy truth and the tough truth. The easy truth is: “I’m sorry honey, I went out with Jason even though I promised you I would never do that again.” The tough truth is: “I don’t think our relationship is working anymore and I think we need to separate.” The good news about each statement is that unto itself, each is truthful. The simple truth of each statement should lead to an exhaustive examination of the relationship at that point of time with each party coming to a meeting of the minds.
People who truly care about one another know exactly what little things thrill their partner. That known, they do a good job of doing one of those little things on a regular basis. They realize it a mistake to take their partner for granted.
The good relationship has each party in tune with the other. They instinctively know when their partner is not feeling well, is hiding their feelings, or is troubled in any fashion. They also know they hold a responsibility to reach out to their partner immediately upon the realization of the trouble.
And the killer to any and all relationships is the answer to the question: “Is your relationship largely based on sex?” If the answer is yes, make certain the other person is in the relationship for the same reason because if they are not, then the relationship is by definition based on a lie. People have purely physical relationships all the time but that is only good when it is mutually agreed upon.
The good and strong has three equally important parts: physical, mental and spiritual. If any of those three are missing, cut your losses and move on.
Finding That Special Someone
You have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince. That sounds extremely trite and hackneyed but it is also true. It is always better to find Mr. Right, or Mrs. Right as the case may be, than Mr. Right Now. But there comes a time when we all want to stop dating and start a long term relationship. The problem seems to be with the first date and how your figure out if he, or she, is someone you want to be with. In doing so, you have taken on an almost impossible task. It is rare that you find a person who you have just met as being someone you are certain about, someone with whom you feel perfectly comfortable. In that light, give yourself three or four dates before you come to any conclusions about someone. That is assuming you do not find something in the person you have just met that you consider to be a deal breaker. A deal breaker for me, when I was dating, was smoking. I made it known up front that I could not be with some who smokes. Once or twice my date denied she smoked but then she never should have kissed me because non-smokers are very sensitive to the existence of nicotine.
That leads me to rule number one of dating, honesty. Many people today attempt to find partners via dating websites. That is all well and fine, I found my wife that way, but total honesty is a necessity. That means you do not put up a five year old picture because you favor how it makes you look. If, however, that is the only picture you have, be certain to mention that in your profile. Dishonesty of any sort should be, and usually is, a deal breaker. You have a right, and should insist upon that from the person you are interested in.
Once you decide you want to meet someone make that meeting at a location which does not serve alcohol. I like coffee shops. The reason is simple, you do not want your judgment and perception, or his, clouded by alcohol. You also do not want that person using alcohol as a crutch to better present himself. If you know you are shy and withdrawn, you need the other person to be accepting of that. This too is honesty. And you need to know how the other person acts fully sober. A shy person can still be an extremely attractive person.
Eye contact is not the sign of honesty, it only shows the person is capable of maintaining eye contact. Inveterate liars have no problem maintaining eye contact. But you can get to the truth of the other person by asking questions that are really important to you. Ask the other person questions like where they work and what their plans are for the future regarding their profession. Ask what they like to do in their free time, about their siblings and parents to see how they handle what should be important relationships. A bad relationship with a parent or sibling should not be a deal breaker. I like to say all families are crazy, it is just a matter of degree. But it will speak to how they handle difficult and important relationships.
If you love cats or dogs, you probably want to find out how your date feels about them. If you are a college grad and want the same in your date find that out. If you cherish your independence, make sure your date enjoys the same feeling. If your dating history suggests you have dated people who have eventually cheated on you, ask yourself what sort of person he generally was in the beginning and if you are seeing that in your new date.
Let date one be an interview only. You meet at the coffee shop, or where ever, and when you leave that location each of your goes your own way. Sex needs to be off the table.
For women, do not be afraid to tell the person you have met, after an hour or so, that you need to check in with a friend that you are safe and well. If he is offended by this, leave, he is obviously insecure and unconcerned with what is right for you. A keeper will intuitively understand and encourage your action.
If you got to the location of your date via public transportation, do not allow your date to take you home, regardless of how good you feel about him. If he becomes insistent, it is not wrong for you to take that as the sign of a controlling person, someone you probably do not want to be with. A good mate respects your wishes. Respect is absolutely necessary in a successful relationship. Demand respect.
Most importantly, be yourself. Do not try to be the party girl when you dream is to be a soccer mom. Talk about things you find fascinating and things you love to do. Accept that you are going to find things he likes or does that you do not like. Just consider it as a piece of the whole and how much it would matter in a long term relationship. For example, I love NFL football and make my wife an NFL widow. She neither likes nor understands football but we have more than enough things we do together, and things she does by herself, that more than compensate. For example, she enjoys her “girls’ night out.” I actually encourage it.
The first date ends when you want it to. If you do not want to see him again, say so. If he asks why mention the deal breaker and that as a deal breaker, it is not open to compromise. However, if you did not come across any deal breaker, I recommend you move on to date two. Keep date two limited to being taken out to dinner or something similar which requires conversation. This means going to see a movie or concert is inadvisable as such things do not promote an exchange of ideas. But unlike date one, date two can cover more important and intimate things. Thoughts about marriage should only come up as a natural extension of other discussions but not as a question in itself. The early dates should encompass only your mutual compatibility and nothing more.
Those first dates must be about your mutual compatibility. You need to see if he would make a good friend and if you say no to that, then say no to continuing on. With each succeeding date, you should feel increasingly comfortable in his presence. You should feel less and less guarded about your feelings and the things you share because you are increasingly confident that he will accept you as you are. You should be able to say something as simple as you are afraid of thunderstorms and have him offering you comfort and not laughing at such things. We all have fears and shortcomings. That special person will want to be at your side no matter what.
When you start this sort of dating, remember the goal, to find a life partner. To a reasonable extent, control the conversation. Know your boundaries and do not let him inside any boundary before you are ready. Have a firm grasp on your deal breakers and what is important to you, and make sure he meets such expectations. Compromise well within your comfort zone and if you are not comfortable with any comprise then don’t! Your future happiness depends upon your up-front willingness to stay within your principles.
I Do Not Understand “Gay,” But I Accept It
With all the problems that exist in our country today, why is there such an uproar over what gay people do or do not do. I cannot stand the visual thought of two men kissing, but I do not condemn it. The religion I was brought up in thinks it is an “abomination.” For the life of me I cannot understand why this should be true. Is it because of some poorly translated texts from ancient, and by-the-way not original, documents say it is so? It is difficult to understand how any thinking person could think such a thing.
For many years I was in one of the most testosterone driven organizations in the world which was openly anti-gay, the US Army. There were plenty of gay men in the arm, a couple of whom served under me. I never had a bit of trouble with them. They were outstanding soldiers. I never had or heard a single complaint in all my years about any of the gay troops, that their lifestyle was somehow corrupting us or interfering with our mission.
Now gay people want to be legally married. So what? Conservative Christians claim it is some sort of attack on the sanctity of marriage, and upon the family itself. They fail, however, to explain exactly what that means and worse, they fail to show the slightest bit of evidence to support their contention.
Gay people, to the best of my knowledge, are asking that each state respect the civil union of same gender couples. They have not, again to the best of my knowledge, asked anyone to allow them to be married in all the churches of the United States. I do know that certain churches do conduct same-sex marriages in states where such unions are allowed, but is that not their own private business?
My wife was, at least in part, reared by a gay man, her uncle. And that was because her natural father had deserted the family. My wife is 100% straight and very well-adjusted. Her male role model, her gay uncle, was a very intelligent, strong, kind and good man. He taught her a lot. He also lived with the same man for 25 years, a feat many heterosexual partners find difficult to achieve, I being among those.
I heard, and saw, a man who professed to be a conservative minister of some evangelical church contend that God hates all gays. That stunned me. I considered for a long time what God’s response to such a statement would be and I think, and truly believe, that God spoke to me and said, “How dare you question my love for any person!” Now that is in perfect harmony with everything Jesus Christ ever said.
I think it high time everyone stopped worrying about who loves whom, and start worrying about how dangerous our city streets have become; or how difficult it is increasingly becoming for the average middle-income family of five to survive on their present wages.
The truth is, gay marriage is not going to hurt a thing, certainly not the marriage. What hurts marriages more is poor communications between couples, money and the lack of it, sex, selfishness, lack of honesty, lack of commitment. Any attack upon any marriage, or the entire institution, is purely an inside job done by those who have yet to clean up their own side of the street yet before complaining about what someone else wants or does.
Marriage is truly a first amendment right. Are we now selectively going to deny that right to people whose life-style we disagree with?
Who Owns God?
If you went to church with me when I was a kid, you would have heard that God was properly defined by the Roman Catholics, and everyone else had an incorrect version. And that was even after Vatican II. While Catholics certainly have moderated their world view of their religion, it still reeks of “we got it right.”
In today’s world we hear a lot about the Moslem version of God. I think it fair to say that their view is an extremely unpopular one here in the United States. That probably includes most Moslems who live here as well, but that is just a guess. I say that because it is my firm belief that most Moslems who live here have adopted a very moderate, or mainstream, view of God. They certainly are not the ones yelling, “death to infidels!” And they certainly are not advocating a jihad against America.
These most basic of feelings that all humans seem to hold, that of a person deity, are the very reason I speak up strongly for the separation of church and state. We are the only country in the world, that I know of, that has this admonition. Those Americans who want God worked into portions of our government would do well to ask themselves, which God. That is, which particular religious slant on God are you in favor of? You have to choose simply because there is no generic God that I have ever heard of. That is because as soon as you evoke the name God, in each person’s mind this takes on a very particular point of view. Hence, our forefathers understood that extremely well and they did not want a Church of England God, or even one of their homegrown versions to have any place in our government.
Since monotheism has existed there has always been a mix of God and religion. For most of history men have been incapable of separating the two. Mostly, they have had no desire to separate the two. I believe that is because they have the notion that there has to be a mixed for a society to be successful. For a long time that actually worked. Prior to the 20th Century most societies lived almost entirely within themselves. Tribalism, as sociologists call it, defined a religious belief and that tribe in turned formed a government for itself. The people were monolithic, that is, all of one kind. Until the 20th Century it was not at all unusual for a person to never travel more than 20 miles from where he was born. That meant these societies were so homogenous that singular beliefs usually worked.
Still, certain groups of people decided even before the 20th Century that their take was the proper one and anyone not so defined was a “heathen.” For Americans, a great example of this was the European view of the Native American cultures. Even those Native Americans were mono-theistic, since the did not refer to “God,” and did not understand the European concept, it was clear to those European that the Native Americans were obviously heathens. Many organized religion set out to bring Christianity to a group that neither wanted nor needed Christianity. They were mono-theistic and it was Christian ignorance that brought on the problems. Christians had a long history of such foolishness. The Inquisitions of the 15th Century and before that the crusades to the middle east to ostensibly recover the Holy Grail. I say ostensibly because the true reason was the European belief that old Christian churches were somehow being desecrated by the Moslems. Just a little bit of education by the Christians about the Moslem religion would have shown them that nothing could have been further from the truth. Even so, I doubt that would have stopped them. Ignorance and passion have a way of getting together in mankind to bring death and destruction to anyone who has the temerity to believe something different.
I have serious problems with the way the Moslem religion is practiced in the Middle East. Even in today’s world they are still little more than second class citizens in their own societies. In Saudi Arabia they cannot drive a car. Why? I have not a clue. In many countries in the Middle East, a woman found guilty, or even suspected, of infidelity to her husband is subject to stoning and death. Most such countries also require her to wear a burka, to one extent or another. Men, on the other hand, are not hindered by any such restrictions. Even the adulterous husband does not fear for his life.
But I can allow for that a whole lot more than some of the practices that are going on right here in America. These days in America there is more religious intolerance than I think we have had at any time in our history. And I am a US historian by degree so I can say that with some conviction. The native Americans of Massachusetts had a word for religious tolerance that bears remembering, “Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg,” which means, you fish on your side, I fish on my side, and no one fishes in the middle. They were all about peaceful co-existence.
Conservative politicians in America have taken God hostage and are holding him over the heads of Americans. They tell us how our morals need to be shaped. They do this via their own religious background. They are openly contemptuous of anyone who dares believe anything different as well. They are smart enough to live the name God out of their discussions, but if you could nail one of them down on the origins of their belief, which I doubt you could, they would have to admit that it is directly tied to their God. One of the great debates in America today is over gay marriage. Those against it say it is somehow ruining the institution of marriage. Really? How is that a country that has literally hundreds of definitions for religion can only have one with regard to marriage? I find that rather peculiar, and rather disingenuous of anyone to make such a claim. For centuries in this country the acceptance of marriage free from all religious entanglements has been understood as an absolute right. If two people desire only a judge or justice of the peace to declare them legally married does that not separate marriage from all religious views? The corruption comes when people insist that when the marriage is between same-sex individuals somehow God has to be magically introduced into the equation. That is some of the worst logic I have ever heard and yet, it is the conservative Christians of this country who had taken God and force-fed it upon our entire society. They tell us that their version of God and marriage are the correct one and God help anyone who differs with that version.
I have many friends who have very conservative Christian views of the world. I am happy for them. Some I even admire in the way they practice their religion. I think they know better than to tell me what is moral and what is not. They simply are not interested in hearing my lash out at them, and they know they will. But Americans have become extremely lazy about the separation of church and state. Instead of finding abhorrent anyone trying to force via legislation morality upon them, they allow politicians, PACs, and religious groups to get away with exactly that. They are allowing those groups ownership of God, and in doing so, allowing for a particular take on God to be foisted upon all Americans. It is time for that to stop! In fact, it is long overdue. The death of this country is very likely to come from religious zealots who have little tolerance for opposing views. They are still living in 16th societies that no long exist.
Americans gasp when they hear about the religious intolerance and excesses of the Middle East. But Americans need to take a second look at themselves. Are we not doing the same sorts of things?
You Didn't Ask But..... 