resentment

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The Sucessful Relationship


A young friend of mine told me this morning that his fiancé moved in with him last week and that they are getting married in two weeks. They have been together for some time now so there in nothing rushed in what is happening. But he could not wonder what the future holds for him. His most basic question, one that many people struggle with, is “why me?” He wonders why she wants to spend a life with him. I told him it is because she really likes what she sees and that he gives her everything she wants. Now I have to admit that I speculated a bit on that point because I have never met his fiancé. But Adam is a really good guy and I believe my assumption to be a safe one.

He then asked me how long I have been with my wife. I embarrassingly had to stop and think about that for a second and decided that telling him how long we had been together was even more important.

My back story is one of too many failed relationships prior to the one I am in now. There are many reasons for those failed relationships and good deal, probably 90% or greater, are the result of my decision making. That decision making is more than just who I chose, but how I acted, what I said, what I did and a plethora of other things during those relationships. My failed relationships spanned from a few days to many years but finally I got my head out of my ass and took note of what I had done wrong. The things I had done wrong can be boiled down to a few basic truths: dishonesty, disloyalty, fear, doubt, and insecurity. And I can wrap all those things up by saying, I just did not know how to talk or to relate to people, not just women, but everyone.

I told Adam that probably the most important thing in a relationship has to be honesty. And that honesty has to start well before the marriage. This is where fear always crept into my psyche. I feared that if I was totally honest about what was going around in my head then certainly the woman I was with would go running for the hills. What I failed to do was consider that that might have been the relationship saver rather than killer.  The other relationship killer, absolutely, is resentment.  Resentment is the poison you drink while you wait for the other person to become ill.  But in truth resentment is simply the surfacing of our own shortcomings that we either deny or are unwilling to overcome.

I think we human beings have a natural amount of insecurity which shows up in our lives in a variety of ways. I feel badly for women because they are bombarded with the commercial world’s definition of beauty. They compare themselves to the reigning queens of beauty in music, on the silver screen and in the advertisements of the magazines they read. I can tell you from personal experience that I have known any number of women who were truly gorgeous on the outside and either hollow or some other negative characteristic to the core. Then I know a lot of people who are absolutely gorgeous. Most will never turn a head but what springs forth from them is a beautiful heart. True beauty is an inside job. Now this is not to say that physical attraction should not play a role in a good relationship, it does of course! But that can only be the start of things. There is a natural progression from that point that must happen.

I stated in an earlier post that you should marry your best friend. That is, this is the person you talk to freely and easily. The only time you edit your speech is to be politic about what you are saying without sacrificing honesty. Honesty is the bedrock of all good relationships. Partners who have been together a long time not only know their mate’s good qualities but also their shortcomings. All human beings develop a host of shortcomings. Those who desire to better themselves reduce or remove those shortcomings as much as possible. I like to use the common shortcoming of jealousy. I call it one of the two most useless feelings any person can have, the other be resentment. But I chose jealousy here because I firmly believe it can be entirely defeated. That is because I believe jealousy is a measurement of an individual’s insecurity. The secure man takes pride in other men admiring the woman he is with. In fact, if he could, he would invite it. He also does not worry that his wife is out with friends some of whom may be male. This is also the trust aspect of good relationships, you trust your mate no matter what.

I suggested to Adam that, if he had not already done so, he talk to his fiancé about his fears and his insecurities. I explained that everyone has them and anyone who claims they do not is a liar. Not only does your mate need to know such things so (s)he knows what is going on with you, but has the right to know such things. I think it an obligatory part of successful relationships.

To this Adam said he had always seen himself a “the rock” in the relationship. I asked him why since, as I explained, a rock never moves forward. I suggested he look at the relationship as mutually supportive as you move through life so that when one or the other has a weak moment you have all the support you need in your mate. They instinctively understand and are ready. They have you by your arm ready to hold you up when you stumble, which you will!

Society today in general seems to have a lot of trouble listening. When someone is explaining something to you not only is it polite to quietly listen until they are done, it is crucial to understanding one another. Some people just cannot seem to help themselves and interrupt the other person by talking over them before they are done. This has the effect of turning a nice discussion into a confrontational one. It is always best to hear the person out, take breath, literally, and then in considered terms, respond to what they have said. At the very least this shows respect for what has been said. That is particularly good when you find yourself in the position of having to disagree with what has been said. What is at work here is respectful consideration. People like to think what they say is of value but when they are interrupted it says just the opposite and who wants to be disrespected? In a marriage as soon as one party starts thinking the other does not respect them, it does not bode well for the future. It is then that questions of commitment and love also come into question.

I think it wise to take, at the very least, a mental snapshot of the person you are marrying or otherwise entering into a long term committed relationship. Remember the reasons that got you there, why you found that person so attractive. Those things you find attractive will not change much except in a positive direction. A good heart is always a good heart, it does not change. A kind, caring, considerate, deeply committed and honest person also does not change and those are the qualities that take you through the years. Outer beauty fades, sex drive fades, and energy level fades among other things. But that is to be expected and that happens the successful relationship realizes that just being with that other person makes their day. Their love is shown in a thousand other ways and even though they feel extremely comfortable in the relationship, they have also committed themselves to always working on it. But when everything and everyone else seems to fail us, we can count on our loved one because we know for certain they are always there for us.

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Resentments: A Recipe For Disaster


I think a lot of people have resentments and call them something else.  I mention that because I used to be one of those people.  When came to feeling evil towards someone, I was a master.  It never occurred to me, however, to ask myself what good it did me.

By and large, I had a really good childhood but even so, some really horrible things happened to me.  It would be easy to dismiss whatever resentments I formed because of those bad things except that I carried them around for half of my life.  My mother was the prime recipient of a number of those resentments.  She had earned some of the anger I felt but once I had vented that anger, which I did, she was no longer responsible.  You would never have known that from my actions however.  Most times resentments only hurt the person carrying them but in this case it hurt two people.  My mother deserved better than that and I did make amends to her for my actions before she died,   well before fortunately.

There is a saying about resentments, “It’s like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”  I drank from that poison many times always expecting the other person to feel something bad but the only one who ever felt badly was me.

It’s ironic.   figured out a long time ago the foolishness of jealousy, another of my shortcoming although I overcame that one early on in my adulthood.  I call it the most foolish emotion a person can have and only shows that person’s insecurities.  It would have been nice to have carried over that logic to my resentments, but I did not.

Mind you, I still get resentments but now I treat them like a minor injury.  I figure out what the source of the pain is and deal with it.  Almost without exception the source of the pain is from something within me.  What is happening is I am seeing something inside someone else that I hate within myself and that is how a resentment begins.  This is not to say that the person had not wronged me or done something to allow me to feel poorly towards them, but the resentment is a level of anger that is always uncalled for.  The resentment is self-flagellation at its worst.  The resentment is what takes up space in my head and eats at me in its desire to get out.  The resentment is what has pushed me into making too many bad decisions.

I still feel the resentment come over me but when I do an alarm goes off in my head and I tell myself it is time to take action.  As I said before the first thing I do is find the source of the resentment.   Then once I have identified the other person’s part in it, I forgive them in the sense that I tell myself that whatever they are doing has nothing to do with, or that they are fighting some demon within themself and it is presenting itself in this unflattering manner.  Most of the time I eliminate the resentment by simply telling myself that they have a problem and I’m not it.

So here is the thing; it is okay to be angry, as angry as you need.  But get over it as quickly as you can because anger is like milk left out too long.  After a while it curdles and smells bad and turns into something else, something ugly.

 

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You Can Be Happy But Only If You Want To


I spent too much of my life being unhappy for no good reason.  I had plenty of bad things happen to me, which I was quick to point out, and I used those things as reasons for not being happy.  What a bunch of crap that was!

What I have found out at this end of my life is there are only a few things I need to do to be really happy.  But there are also a lot of things I need to be aware of that keep me from being as happy as is possible.

I used to do a lot of things that got between me and happiness.  First, I used to stare at the past and bemoan it.  What I mean is, I would look at the various bad things that happened and feel sorry for myself.  Instead of using them as learning experiences, I allowed them to take me over and rule my feelings.  What I did not seem to understand was that I could not do a thing about what had happened to me.  And if I did not allow the past to negatively affect me, it would not.  I also used the “what if” or “if only” in looking over my past.  I would say “what if I had done this” or “if only I had not done that” and generally sit on the pity pot whining.  What I should have said to myself was, “You know what?  What happened to you was really crappy.  Now, do all in your power to see that it does not happen again and move on!”

Resentments cause people more loss of sleep and more distress than is necessary.  A resentment is me drinking some poison when I think badly of someone else and waiting for them to be affected by the poison.  I know, it is nuts!  But that is what we do when we decide to cop a resentment.  What good does it do?  None!  But I have also found that too my of my resentments are me seeing something in some else that I hate because it is something in me I hate.  If I find myself heading towards a resentment these days I stop myself.  I have far better things to do with my thinking time.  Resentments are never happy things and I simply do not have the time to waste on unhappy things.

There are some other things I do to keep myself happy.  I seldom take things personally even when it appears someone is launching a personal attack against me.  I have found that most times those people have something else going on and I am a convenient target at that moment.  At such times I remind myself that most likely the person has issues they are dealing with and I just let the whole incident go.  I definitely do not get into a fight with them, and allow them to “win” if that is what they are after.  It does not happen a lot that I need to defend a position.

These days I truly believe that I know it is going to be a good day simply because I woke up that day.  That might sound strange, but consider the alternative.  I see the beginning of every day as a chance to enjoy something.  Most days I find lots of things.  Animals are always a great source of pleasure.  I simply watch them moving around doing whatever.  The question in my mind at such times is “what are they doing?”  or I simply think that what they are doing is interesting.  More importantly, I have found that my energy level is generally reflected back in the animal’s actions.  If I am calm, so are they.

I seldom get angry.  What is the point?  How many things can happen to me in a year, let alone a day, that require my anger?  The key word in that sentence is “require.”  I think it entirely human for anger to flare from time-to-time but it is how I deal with it that makes all the difference.  It is very seldom that I truly have any need to show or voice my anger.  When I feel my anger rising I am quick to ask myself if it is truly necessary.  Usually the answer is no.

I find it very easy to let things go these day.  Recently I have had some things stolen from me and I got angry over it.  I despise theft.  But after my brief visit with anger I work hard to get over it and let it go.  People who would steal from me are just sick.  There is nothing I can do about them.  More importantly, I let go of the idea long ago that I have much control over anything after I finish controlling myself.  This is particularly true of other people.  I can let it be known how I feel and that I wish someone to act differently but I cannot force them to acquiesce to my desires.  That means, once I have let my desires know, I let go of whatever it is that has prompted me to be vocal.  That means I usually quickly forget whatever it was that bothered me in the first place.  I have moved on to more important things.

When someone requests my help I usually give it to them.  This is something that makes me really happy.  I consider it a gift when someone desires my help considering they could request it from so many others.  Even more, I expect nothing in return.  And most of the time, I refuse anything in return.  That mostly happens when someone offers me money.  I am really happy that they simply say thank you.  That makes my time given them a gift.  There is an old saying, you have to give it away to get it.  Whatever I give to someone I find gets returned to me many many times over.

I have also decided that loneliness is generally something that can be overcome quickly.  Most of the time I know when I am going to be alone.  It is at those times that I have made plans to have something to amuse myself with.  Frequently that means I have a book with me.

I really believe that most home runs are hit when you are thrown a curve.  It certainly is true in baseball so why not in life?  When life throws me a curve, is that not a time for me to shine and show what I can do?

I think life is really mostly about what you make of it.  If you are going to be angry, morose, petty, vindictive, resentful, and a host of other negative things, you are not going to be left with much time to be happy.  Our negative feelings are just reminders that we need to be happy.