sex

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How To Know If You Are in a Healthy Relationship


Not every relationship comes to an end but many do. Marriages, lovers, friends, all have a time in their life when they realized what was once a great relationship simply has ceased to exist. The smart person is not afraid to recognize such a situation and do one of two things. First, they can reach out to the other person and after telling that person they believe their relationship has died or is in its death throws but that they want to see if it can be resurrected. Or, they can simply walk away after telling the other person that their relationship is over and they have no desire to fix it.

Of the three above mentioned relationships the marriage reigns supreme, of course. That relationship seldom comes to an end because the actions of one person accounts for 100% of the problems. I believe that most have somewhere between a 60/40 and a 50/50 responsibility. To me that says most relationships, at least within that range, are repairable and with a minimal amount of pain. But then there is that relationship where one party accounts for 70 to 80% of the issues. Still, the partners in such a relationship should seek outside help and get an unbiased assessment of where they stand.

I think it likely that when a relationship hits the 70% plus fault it is probably time to call it quits. For some reason women are predisposed to hanging in there, their usual reason being “for the kids.” To that person I would say, your unhealthy relationship with your husband, or your wife, is hurting your children more than you realize. And by keeping the marriage alive via life-support only exacerbates the pain the children feel.

For the most part, children love both their parents equally and want both of them around all the time. But children are very poor judges of what is good for them. That is one of the reason we are legally, if not morally, bound to the care of our children. And since children are like sponges, taking in everything they see and hear around them. But when those things are negative, they tend to believe that those negative things are the way the world works. That of course is simply not true. That is a relationship that necessarily needs a great deal of work to get it fixed or the couple needs to think of their children and separate.

We tend to take what we learn about relationships we have in our teens and twenties as how things “have to be.” It is my experience that most of those conclusions are not only wrong, but are so wrong the put in jeopardy the success of all future relationships.

The most important part of a relationship is honesty and trust. Now that might sound like two separate things, and they can certainly be taken separately, but in a relationship they must be held as one principle with neither being more important to other. To the contrary, the one relies upon the other for success. We trust people because we know we can count of their truthfulness with us. They are also reliable but that is the second most important factor.

There are two kinds of relatable truths: the easy truth and the tough truth. The easy truth is: “I’m sorry honey, I went out with Jason even though I promised you I would never do that again.” The tough truth is: “I don’t think our relationship is working anymore and I think we need to separate.”  The good news about each statement is that unto itself, each is truthful. The simple truth of each statement should lead to an exhaustive examination of the relationship at that point of time with each party coming to a meeting of the minds.

People who truly care about one another know exactly what little things thrill their partner. That known, they do a good job of doing one of those little things on a regular basis. They realize it a mistake to take their partner for granted.

The good relationship has each party in tune with the other. They instinctively know when their partner is not feeling well, is hiding their feelings, or is troubled in any fashion. They also know they hold a responsibility to reach out to their partner immediately upon the realization of the trouble.

And the killer to any and all relationships is the answer to the question: “Is your relationship largely based on sex?” If the answer is yes, make certain the other person is in the relationship for the same reason because if they are not, then the relationship is by definition based on a lie. People have purely physical relationships all the time but that is only good when it is mutually agreed upon.

The good and strong has three equally important parts: physical, mental and spiritual. If any of those three are missing, cut your losses and move on.

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The Sucessful Relationship


A young friend of mine told me this morning that his fiancé moved in with him last week and that they are getting married in two weeks. They have been together for some time now so there in nothing rushed in what is happening. But he could not wonder what the future holds for him. His most basic question, one that many people struggle with, is “why me?” He wonders why she wants to spend a life with him. I told him it is because she really likes what she sees and that he gives her everything she wants. Now I have to admit that I speculated a bit on that point because I have never met his fiancé. But Adam is a really good guy and I believe my assumption to be a safe one.

He then asked me how long I have been with my wife. I embarrassingly had to stop and think about that for a second and decided that telling him how long we had been together was even more important.

My back story is one of too many failed relationships prior to the one I am in now. There are many reasons for those failed relationships and good deal, probably 90% or greater, are the result of my decision making. That decision making is more than just who I chose, but how I acted, what I said, what I did and a plethora of other things during those relationships. My failed relationships spanned from a few days to many years but finally I got my head out of my ass and took note of what I had done wrong. The things I had done wrong can be boiled down to a few basic truths: dishonesty, disloyalty, fear, doubt, and insecurity. And I can wrap all those things up by saying, I just did not know how to talk or to relate to people, not just women, but everyone.

I told Adam that probably the most important thing in a relationship has to be honesty. And that honesty has to start well before the marriage. This is where fear always crept into my psyche. I feared that if I was totally honest about what was going around in my head then certainly the woman I was with would go running for the hills. What I failed to do was consider that that might have been the relationship saver rather than killer.  The other relationship killer, absolutely, is resentment.  Resentment is the poison you drink while you wait for the other person to become ill.  But in truth resentment is simply the surfacing of our own shortcomings that we either deny or are unwilling to overcome.

I think we human beings have a natural amount of insecurity which shows up in our lives in a variety of ways. I feel badly for women because they are bombarded with the commercial world’s definition of beauty. They compare themselves to the reigning queens of beauty in music, on the silver screen and in the advertisements of the magazines they read. I can tell you from personal experience that I have known any number of women who were truly gorgeous on the outside and either hollow or some other negative characteristic to the core. Then I know a lot of people who are absolutely gorgeous. Most will never turn a head but what springs forth from them is a beautiful heart. True beauty is an inside job. Now this is not to say that physical attraction should not play a role in a good relationship, it does of course! But that can only be the start of things. There is a natural progression from that point that must happen.

I stated in an earlier post that you should marry your best friend. That is, this is the person you talk to freely and easily. The only time you edit your speech is to be politic about what you are saying without sacrificing honesty. Honesty is the bedrock of all good relationships. Partners who have been together a long time not only know their mate’s good qualities but also their shortcomings. All human beings develop a host of shortcomings. Those who desire to better themselves reduce or remove those shortcomings as much as possible. I like to use the common shortcoming of jealousy. I call it one of the two most useless feelings any person can have, the other be resentment. But I chose jealousy here because I firmly believe it can be entirely defeated. That is because I believe jealousy is a measurement of an individual’s insecurity. The secure man takes pride in other men admiring the woman he is with. In fact, if he could, he would invite it. He also does not worry that his wife is out with friends some of whom may be male. This is also the trust aspect of good relationships, you trust your mate no matter what.

I suggested to Adam that, if he had not already done so, he talk to his fiancé about his fears and his insecurities. I explained that everyone has them and anyone who claims they do not is a liar. Not only does your mate need to know such things so (s)he knows what is going on with you, but has the right to know such things. I think it an obligatory part of successful relationships.

To this Adam said he had always seen himself a “the rock” in the relationship. I asked him why since, as I explained, a rock never moves forward. I suggested he look at the relationship as mutually supportive as you move through life so that when one or the other has a weak moment you have all the support you need in your mate. They instinctively understand and are ready. They have you by your arm ready to hold you up when you stumble, which you will!

Society today in general seems to have a lot of trouble listening. When someone is explaining something to you not only is it polite to quietly listen until they are done, it is crucial to understanding one another. Some people just cannot seem to help themselves and interrupt the other person by talking over them before they are done. This has the effect of turning a nice discussion into a confrontational one. It is always best to hear the person out, take breath, literally, and then in considered terms, respond to what they have said. At the very least this shows respect for what has been said. That is particularly good when you find yourself in the position of having to disagree with what has been said. What is at work here is respectful consideration. People like to think what they say is of value but when they are interrupted it says just the opposite and who wants to be disrespected? In a marriage as soon as one party starts thinking the other does not respect them, it does not bode well for the future. It is then that questions of commitment and love also come into question.

I think it wise to take, at the very least, a mental snapshot of the person you are marrying or otherwise entering into a long term committed relationship. Remember the reasons that got you there, why you found that person so attractive. Those things you find attractive will not change much except in a positive direction. A good heart is always a good heart, it does not change. A kind, caring, considerate, deeply committed and honest person also does not change and those are the qualities that take you through the years. Outer beauty fades, sex drive fades, and energy level fades among other things. But that is to be expected and that happens the successful relationship realizes that just being with that other person makes their day. Their love is shown in a thousand other ways and even though they feel extremely comfortable in the relationship, they have also committed themselves to always working on it. But when everything and everyone else seems to fail us, we can count on our loved one because we know for certain they are always there for us.

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Legislating Morality


From the very beginnings of the United States, people have tried to legislate morality.  One of the earliest examples is that of alcohol.  In the early 19th century the women’s temperance movement started.  For a short while, Susan B. Anthony and her suffrage movement allied itself with temperance women.  But it did not take long for Anthony and others to realize that the temperance movement’s chief ally were the American churches who almost universally looked with disdain upon women’s suffrage.  It was the Women’s Christian Temperance Union (WCTU) who were chiefly responsible for the passage of the 19th Amendment which outlawed the production and sale of alcohol.  As we know this turned out to be a colossal failure.  Not only did it feed into government corruption, but helped give rise to the crime mobs.  While everyone seemed to agree that the nation had to deal with alcoholism, it was quickly apparent that outlawing the consumption of alcohol was not the answer.

The Volstead Act, which came into law at that same time was something of an offshoot of the temperance movement, having many of the proponents of the one proponents of the other.  That law outlawed gambling and prostitution.  Also in that same year, 1919, women’s suffrage succeeding in getting women the right to vote.  Today most states allow some form of gambling ranging from the lottery ticket to casinos.

Finally we have the sex laws.  In a 2003 decision, the US Supreme Court declared all laws against sodomy to be unconstitutional.  Even so, 14 states still have laws prohibiting such acts.  An argument for why those states have not changed those laws is that they do not any longer prosecute them.  But in 2008 in North Carolina two men were arrested for engaging in consensual sex.  And that brings into focus the conservative push to keep gay marriage from becoming legal in various states.  Clearly churches have the absolute right to declare certain acts to be immoral and the law cannot challenge such things, meaning if they want to deny a gay couple from marrying in their church, that is their 1st Amendment right.  But the state does not have the right to constitution laws with respect to religious beliefs, also a 1st Amendment prohibition.

In 1973 the US Supreme Court struck down laws which prohibited abortion with certain limitations.  This was also decided as a First Amendment issue where a person has the right to make medical decisions with regard to the own body.  I find myself in the strange position of believing in the right of each individual to make that choice, however, I found abortion to be reprehensible in all cases, to include pregnancies because of rape, incest and even where the mother’s life is in danger.  But this is my own personal moral belief which I have absolutely no right to impose on any other individual.  And for the record, I am not a member of any organized religion so that is not in play where my decision is concerned.

Now we come to the issue of prostitution.  I find the very thought of men and women paying for sex disgusting.  But here again I see this as a purely moral issue.  I also believe that if a man or a woman wants to sell their body for sex, we should have no bars to that.  I find it curious that prostitutes and their johns on the street are regularly arrested while “escorts” use that as a euphemism to sell sex.  Nevada states that prostitution is legal in only one county in their state, but on cable tv there is a show called “Gigolos” which documents the work of four men who sell their bodies for sex to their female clients.  It is an open practice that while technically illegal, it seems Nevada, or at least Las Vegas, does not chose to prosecute these people even while they are arresting the street prostitute doing the very same thing.

Of chief concern to the general public with regard to prostitution should be three things: public health, violence against women, and the attendant crime that follows street prostitutes.  I think the first thing which needs to be done nationally is the total decriminalization of prostitution across the nation together with incentives to remove it from the streets.  The Swedes came up with a great idea for removing prostitution from their streets which while imperfect, has greatly reduced it.  When a john is busted for solicitation his name is printed prominently in the local newspaper.  I would do the same in this country coupled with far stricter laws with regard to pimps, mandatory sentences with long jail terms.

Most women who prostitute have been victimized in one way or another.  What makes it worse, they were victims at an age well under 18 when they could make adult choices.  They are conscripted into the sex trade by force, by intimidation, or by circumstance at 13, 14, and 15 years of age. Our society, unfortunately, does little to help these victims when they are discovered.

The men who control these prostitutes are frequent engaged in the sale and distribution of drugs, engage in violence against the women they have power over, and against their johns.  It is rare any of these crimes is punished.  Our police departments simply do not have the manpower to even reduce prostitution and its attendant crime, let alone reduce it at all.

If governments move prostitution off the streets and into controlled facilities, the incidence of crime, disease and the sale of drugs should go down.  This experiment is currently, since 2003, being tried in New Zealand.  There are claims the incidence of street prostitution there has not gone down, however such problems can be overcome once you admit you have a problem and your old ways of attempting to deal with have met with absolute failure.  Eradicating prostitution is impossible but controlling it is entirely possible, if we are willing to try.

 

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Forgiving Jane Fonda


In July 1972, Jane Fonda visited Hanoi North Vietnam.  For this essay her reasons are irrelevant.  Her actions were clearly illegal and she was not punished for them, at least by U.S. legal authority.  But to understand what motivated such actions by anyone in those days means understanding our country at the time.  Our country was war weary, racially divided, and coming out of the closet.

I do not know what made my generation want to turn the world on its head, but it did.  We were born during the Truman and Eisenhower administrations, had parents, even those who voted Democrat, who were rather conservative.  Sex was taboo and dugs consisted entirely of marijuana and LSD.  That was the view, anyway.  It was not entirely true, of course, but it was the prevailing sentiment.

In the 1960s our standards of dress changed radically when the Beatles grew their hair out, the skimpy bikini tested the beaches, miniskirts were a fashion statement, and women burned their bras.  In the background you could hear Bob Dylan singing “The times they are a changing.”  Political activism grew out of our college campuses as students said we should make love and not war, Dr. Timothy Leary (PhD Yale) told us to “turn on, tune in and drop out.”  Aside from getting high and dropping out of mainstream society, I am not entirely sure of the meaning  behind his message.  But he was one “authority” the generation listened to.  Abby Hoffman, founder of the political movement the “Yippies,” had warned us to “question authority.”  In addition to the Yippies (Youth International Party), there were the Weatherman, Students for a Democratic Society, and the Black Panthers.

The Black Panthers brought fear to white America.  That was not its intention at all.   Founded by Huey Newton and Bobby Seale in Oakland California for the protection of the Black Community.  The strong and empowered black man scared the crap out of white America, but for all the wrong reasons.  Public opinion, in those days, was in no small part controlled by governmental groups like the FBI.  The FBI, Edgar Hoover in particular, launched a campaign of misinformation about people and groups Hoover thought dangerous.  One such person was Martin Luther King.  Unfortunately mainstream media had not yet taken Hoffman’s reprise of questioning authority and so it regularly published without question whatever government officials stated.

Young men, like me, were drafted by the thousands in the late 60s and early 70s to conduct the war in Vietnam.  We were fed the idea of the “domino principal.”  This principal, developed by the Eisenhower administration, said that Communism in the far east would take one country at a time, each falling to the Soviets and Chinese like a domino.  We were there fighting for freedom.  Curious, in 1968, a group called Country Joe and the Fish, sang a song called Vietnam in which they sang, “And it’s one two three what are we fighting for? Don’t ask me I don’t give a damn!  Next stop is Vietnam.”  This song was sung time and again by GIs serving in Vietnam as if it were their anthem.  A very accurate view of that sentiment is caught in the movie “Good Morning Vietnam.”

In 1967, all forms of birth control, save abstinence, was illegal as was all forms of abortion.

In 1968 you could still buy gasoline for 30 cents a gallon.  Cigarettes were 25 cents a pack.  And the minimum wage was $1.25.

On July 20, 1969 the first man stepped on the moon, Neil Armstrong.  And then from August 15 – 18 1969 the Woodstock Concert was held.  All the while men were dying in Vietnam.  Absolutely no one knew which way was up although many wanted you to believe they did.

In 1970 students were holding “sit ins” in their college to protest the war.  Some went so far as to close down the campuses and experienced the cancellation of graduation ceremonies.

By 1972, when Jane made her ill-advised and illegal trip to Hanoi, Richard Nixon’s associates were breaking into Democratic offices in Watergate.  If truth be told, and it must be, our country was rife with people in positions of power and influence misusing that power.

In 1976 Gerald Ford pardoned Richard Nixon of his wrong doings.  There were people still who wanted him brought to trial and Ford, not wanting the office of the president so scarred, saw to it that such would not happen.  Then in 1977 President Jimmy Carter offered amnesty to all draft dodgers.  The country needed to heal and few complained about such actions.  But Jane Fonda was the exception.  While American servicemen were being held as POWs in North Vietnam, being brutally tortured, Fonda visited that country, and soldiers everywhere were rightfully angered to the extreme.

When Fonda made her trip, I was serving in Italy and was not even aware of it.  The only news we go was that served up by the military newspaper “The Stars and Stripes.”  You can be certain that news was heavily censored.  I had served in the far east from December 1968 to December 1969, and for my part, I just wanted to forget it.

In 1978 Jane Fonda made a movie with her father Henry, “On Golden Pond.”  She and her father had been estranged for years.  Fonda, not known for being an easy man to live with, was typical of his generation in his conservative leanings and owned a good part of the estrangement between him and his daughter.  Still, the movie brought to two together and they did make amends.  American families had been ripped apart by the war as well and needed healing.

I feel sorry for anyone who still holds any resentments towards Jane Fonda for they have missed one of the most important truths of life: forgiveness.  I think Jane Fonda’s actions were despicable but I forgive her.  I still do not like her as a person but I have moved beyond, far beyond, any lingering resentments.  Resentment is the poison I drink while desiring the other person to get sick from it.  It is pure foolishness and serves no good.

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The American Love Affair With Violence


There is a documentary out about bullying in American schools.  For some crazy reason it is rated “R”.  There is a movement about to get that rating reduced to “PG-13”.  As a parent, I would like to see the rating changed to “PG”.  The movement wants to give greater access to the movie to young people.  The thing is, bullying starts as young a six years of age!  Schools are required to report and respond to incidents of bullying immediately.  But bullying does not start in the school.  It starts at home!  The only question is: why?

I suggest the reason for bullying starting in the home is American’s acceptance of a violent society.  No other country in the world promotes gun usage.  Now gun ownership is not a basis for violence.  The person behind it is, of course.  But adolescents and teens are awash with images of violence on television, in the movies, and in their video games.  I have always found it curios that we take great pains in hiding one of mankind’s most wonderful and common acts, sex, while we flaunt violence.  Where is the sense in that.  A 14-year-old boy knows more about weapons than he does about his own sexuality.  He feels far freer to ask someone how to use a gun but is scared to death to ask someone about safe sex!

I am not suggesting that we open up pornography to our nation’s youth but I am suggesting that American parents are failing miserably in educating their children about sex while they take great pains to educate them about violence.  Most of that education, unfortunately, comes via the parent’s fascination in violence without properly instructing the child about it.  The parent will watch a blood and gore movie in front of his children and not say a thing about what the child is being exposed to.  But God forbid a well-made movie shows a woman’s breasts and the parents will be shooing the child out of the room.  We have the wrong forbidden fruit in America.  Where violence should be the forbidden fruit, sex is.

Children learn a lot from their parents.  Adults can be as much of a bully as a child.  When a child sees his parent yelling at a store clerk and verbally abusing such people, the child learns that such things are all right to do.  They turn around and practice those learned techniques on their classmates.  Similarly, when a child is in a car with a parent who is a very aggressive driver, or who has road rage, the child assumes such behavior to be normal and acceptable.

Every parent misbehaves in front of their children from time-to-time.  But when the responsible parent recognizes his inappropriate actions, he informs the child of how his actions were incorrect and not to be repeated.

I think far too many Americans act irresponsibly.  They are very slow to take responsible for their actions, and at times refuse to.  They forget that their bad acts, in front of their own children and other children, is showing bad example and teaching our children the wrong things.  Prior to my retirement from teaching I had occasion to take aside three students and apologise to them for what I considered some inappropriate actions.  And while they did not think what I had done to have been any big deal, their words, I said that I was wrong.  Children need to learn that adult authority figures make mistakes and are willing to take responsibility for those mistakes.